Resolution 2012, 55 Days Late

I believe I was meant to help others raise their level of conciousness, I really do.

My life story is full of trauma, drama and sorrow however I choose the post traumatic growth over post traumatic stress.

One of the best feelings I feel is when someone says to me "I never thought of it that way". I'm so lucky to hear that often :)

I feel a lot and express it, because it feels so freakin' good to just get it out and move on. Sometimes I can cry with myself and deal, sometimes I need help. I know I'm a strong person because I can ask for help.

I believe there are "good" people and "bad" people and these people live amongst us all, it's the human "black and white" in my mind.

I understand that life is fundamentally about choices and I choose to live in the moment. I make healthy choices to live with energy and fun.

I'm just that girl you know, Sarah. But I'm oh so much more :) There are so many that I love and hold dear to my heart that I don't communicate with often but I promise you, those people mean just as much to me as those who live next door.

I recently received a hand written letter from someone and it touched my heart. I'm going to send out some letters - I think they'll help me ride out the end of this season of Winter. It's a great time of year to recharge your batteries before the busy spring/summer/fall isn't it :) This year is about connecting with those I love as much as I can.

Hey, I think I just made a resolution! :)

Bliss

It's been a crazy few months/weeks....I don't know. But I'm here, sitting in bliss, happy as can be. I'm home sick, need this. The past two days I rocked it but was sicker than today - it's a work thing, Mon and Tues are crazy days. Now, here I sit, clean(er) house after two days of neglect, Flow 93.5 playing all my old hip-hop favourites from "back in the day", chillin'.

The past few months I've spent a lot of time "tieing (sp) up loose ends". Resolving lingering issues that a) I knew existed and b) didn't know existed. Relationship wise, there were issues. There was a blow up. There was a "separation" (slept in separate beds for 4 nights, a first). There was open communication and finally a resolution. My how we've grown :) Absofreakin' amazing. This man is worth all the fight, he's incredible.

I took an "Emotional Intelligence" course a few weeks ago. It was really interesting and a LOT of fun. I'm so lucky to be paid to do stuff like that. The pre-requisite for the course was a survey. A survey you had to have filled out by at least 7 people who knew you. I had 2 Managers, 3 peers, 2 "Key Clients", 3 family members and 1 friend answer the survey. The first day of the course we learned about the brain and what "Emotional Intelligence" is. Very interesting stuff I'm willing to share :) We also learned how to control our emotions...which was a good segue into "the Survey Results". Mine were all expected, except for one. This was b) above, issue to resolve I didn't even know I had. So the survey results are anonymous. There are a butt load of rating questions about how well I "coach others", my "personal drive", "empathy" etc. I scored fairly well in all of them except ONE person on quite a few questions who scored me "0". Then there were the comments section, "verbatim comments made by each of your raters in the online survey. This section is intended to provide more specific details to support the rankings provided by your raters".

All the comments are written out on a page. The good comments were great. The bad comments were great! (make a stronger first impression, improve your leadership skills" etc.) Then these, at the bottom of the "needs to improve" page:
1. Develop stronger independence of self-thought and behaviour.
2. Develop stronger awareness of the consequences of negative influences on self and family.
3. Develop a stronger sense of altruism.

Remember when I said we had just learned how to control our emotions. Yea. 11 people saying I'm empathetic, a great role model, independent, good listener, supportive, loyal to family, a desire to learn and self-educate.....it goes on and on. And I knew and believed all of this - still do ;)

You see, I know who wrote the comments :) I could pretty much guess who wrote everything. And to tell you the truth, this person who wrote the above, was someone I would have said knew me best - before I took the course.

I learned that I have to let go of someone....and not literally. I'm not like that - at all. But in my own mind, this person meant something completely different to me before this course....because I thought this person knew me....instead, I see how that person could totally think the above. Because this person doesn't know me, but likes to make judgements/assumptions about a lot of people, how could I ever have thought they wouldn't be the same about me? Especially since, and I take some responsibility here, I haven't really let that person know me the way I let everyone in my day-to-day life know me. Maybe it's distance, maybe it's time or maybe it's fear....fear of the judgement. Fear of the assumptions and fight to be understood. Maybe it's that I can't have open free flowing conversations often with this person because of who that person is (or how I'm perceiving that person to be!).

I love my life. I have it all. I feel incredible, powerful, invincible. There are still negative hurt people in my life, but I'm immune to their negativity. I really and truly am. It feels so gosh darn good and I deserve it.

My life story is full of sadness, tragedy, drama. I could seriously write a book...but I let go of my past and am living in the present, every day better than the last. I did this by making choices, great choices, for myself and my survival. I'm a survivor with a big internal hope-mechanism :)

Say what you want, no one knows me better than me :D It's time for me to OWN this and share my story because from bad beginnings comes generations of love and happiness (my love and my beautiful children), an appreciation for simplicity and the greatness in people love and happiness. Every time I'm at the cottage I look up at the bright stars, the giant moon and smile.

Life is good.

Another New Adventure

So we did end up buying that cottage! We now own three properties. I still can't wrap my head around that! This opportunity was so clearly obviously meant for us though....life.

There are so many wonderful memories of the cottage going through my mind already and it's only been less than two months since we've owned it. I want to eventually live in the area for SURE. In 6 years we've gone from wanting to move to NB to settling down here in Ontario. Never in a million years could I have predicted this adventure :)

Dec 6th is fast approaching. I find myself fighting off blankets of sadness that seem to come out of no where. Even at the cottage, I find myself thinking about how so freakin' much my mom would have loved it. Heck, we've even thought about how she could have moved up there with Corey's mom - it would have been PERFECT! I'm so mad that she never got to see ANY of this, the kids, the jobs, the houses...I'm doing it Mom!!! I'm breaking the patterns!

The memories of the phone call that day, the trip to Quebec, they're all so vivid yet so far....I guess that makes sense, this is the 6th anniversary of her passing. I don't do anything to mark the occasion, I don't really tell anyone, I go to work, I don't "RIP Mom" on Facebook or the like. All my mourning/thinking/rationalizing takes place in my own mind.

And right around the corner is Christmas :) A HUGE holiday in our house again what with the kids so involved!

I'm happy, healthy, surrounded by people I love and once a year, I'm going to think about my mom and her traumatic passing. C'est la vie :) And I have one of the best lives I know!

Cancer

You know what sucks? Cancer. It's so bloody random and HARD. Hard for the person who's suffering, obviously, and hard for the friends and family around that person. It just sucks.

The way I see it, our bodies are made up of a bunch of chemicals and processes that all work together. Just like everyones personality is different, so are our chemicals and processes inside our body. I believe there are ways to try and avoid cancer, like not smoking, but even that.....I don't think anyone can predict how their own internal body is going to react to any one chemical or speck of dust for that matter that enters his/her body.

I believe cancer just happens, randomly.

I believe that people can fight it, using medicines, brain power, but just like the randomness of it occurring in the first place, everyone is different and not all bodies/chemicals/processes are healed. Some people can't find an answer.

I think too that your brain is the last process to "die", and that's how/why people seem to hang on for that one last milestone (a birthday, someone coming to say good bye etc.). It's their brain hanging on.

I really think you have to say to yourself, in that moment, it's OK now. I can die. And then you do. I really believe that.

And that makes me feel better about it all. It takes away the worry from my mind.

That's about all I can do.

That and help those around me suffering.

Thank you Nanny/Bill/Jack/Steve for being such strong people and helping me learn this lesson as young as I am. I forsee a lot of this in my future.

Positive Influence

Someone recently asked the following in a forum:I don't know if I've noticed it more recently b/c I've adopted a more positive lifestyle but I feel I'm becoming a bit intolerant of negative people. I often times find myself trying to pick my friends or family up out of the dumps or to help them shift their negative attitudes into positive ones. I find with certain people they are constantly negative, they play the poor me card and the cloud is always over their head. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself or even complain all that much, I try to always look at the bright side of things but I'm running out of ways to deal with these people that are consistantly negative. If i'm trying to lead a positive, happy, healthy lifestyle, I don't really see a spot for people like this who pretty much just debbie downers. The weather, my job, my life, my lack of love life, me, me, me, why? why? why? Some of these people and situations are avoidable, others, not so much. How do NOT use all of my energy trying to pump them up and inturn end up feeling down about it?

My Reply:I too am trying to live my life as positively as possible. I grew up in a very negative toxic family and feel like a "white sheep amongst a family of black sheep". I used to feel exactly the same way you do :) I am also an overthinker!

What I learned was that I have two options, shut these negative people out or rise above them and try to help out - as much as I can. Why would I want to help? Because I am really lucky that I have the brain I do and why shouldn't I use it to help others!

Now helping others sometimes means just listening. When listening sometimes, I go over my grocery list in my mind, or think about my kids and what we're going to be doing this upcoming weekend. I need to do that because these negative people can go on and on and on and I can only give so much advice :) My advice is short, to the point, and I KNOW 99% of the time probably going in one ear and out the other. But I don't let it bother me! It is what it is and I just "shelf it" when the encounter with the negative person is done.

I have a LOT of practice with this.

I'm a positive influence on others and have practiced and learned how to live independently in a positive manner while maintaining key relationships with those I love. Like anything, practice practice practice! :)

I love being me.

Unplanned Weekend

In my world, when you don't plan your weekend, the following happens:
Friday night - kids are gone to Grandma's. Hubby and I go out for dinner and dancing! Lovely night with my hunny.

Saturday morning - Corey has a cottage "I have to see" that he...wants me to see! So we go see it. I fall in love. Right there on the spot we make an offer :)

Saturday afternoon - friend calls and invites us up to his boat for the end of year party

Saturday evening - pick the kids up from Grandmas and head out to the boat. Eat large amounts of free food with some hoity toity boaters. Hang out on a boat! It even had these two little "kid sized" beds that the girls LOVED. It also had a DVD player ;) It was nice to sit outside of the boat and smell the country air. The stars were beautiful as well!

Sunday morning - actual boating :) Corey took the kids and I on a nice little ride. We decided we're not boaters though and are glad we're thinking of cottage instead :)

Sunday afternoon - time to go home and get ready for the week!

Sunday evening - I had to run out and grab some groceries, when I get home the kids and hubby are no where to be found. Finally found them in our neighbours yard - on their new giant swing set. Guess I know where to find my missing family from now on!

This upcoming weekend is a planned weekend that includes Poker on Fri night, a baby shower Sat afternoon, a 30th b-day party on Sat night and a boat tour of Toronto aboard a pirate ship on Sunday :)

Family life = busy!

This Is What Life Is About

This morning Sam looked at me and said "Why do you look pretty today Mommy?" I was taken back, I'm not wearing anything "special"!

Then, when washing her face and hands, she started single the Bruno Mars song "You're Amazing" to me. I joined her and wrapped her little body up in my arms as close as I could while we sang together.

THIS is what life is about.