I Really Did It!

I'm sitting here writing this from my new office right in the heart of Downtown Toronto! I actually did it! I got a new job!

I applied for something like 22 internal jobs, got interviewed for three and got a good offer for a Release Specialist position here in the Big City. I'm in the middle of day four, so things are Fresh and a little boring still, but I feel mentally and physically FANTASTIC. Life at my previous job had gotten very frustrating and was not motivating me at all. I would sleep in until the kids woke up on their own, take my time getting in, spend half the day surfing the net (Twitter addict!) and the other half attending BS meetings where I'd sit there mentally banging my head against the wall. I was getting in late and leaving early every day and no one seemed to care a bit! I accidentally sent my manager an e-mail with some details about an Interview I had been on and she had a meeting with me to try and convince me to stay. I got the same old song and dance about how things were "looking up" and "going to change", but it never did. It was time to move on.

I'm really happy I found something Internal. I get to keep my years of service, 4 weeks vacation etc. It was really nice the way I left my old position as well. I spent the typical two weeks there, mentally checking out and preparing for the new job. I got to say good-bye to people I had worked with for 10 years instead of getting walked out by security in one fell swoop (what typically happens when you announce you're leaving for the competition - and that happened to every single other person on my team who left). They had a nice Indian Buffet lunch for me and gave me some really nice flowers.

Some people in my life thought I was nuts, why would I leave a job where I was VERY secure yet could basically do whatever I wanted! The commute was nothing, I just lived "up the street" (I did too, but it was a LONG street lol).

But it made sense. I was bored, frustrated every day, growing fatter by the day due to lack of routine/motivation and not feeling any self worth.

Fast forward to today, day four. I am LOVING the commute! OMG it's heaven, I walk over to the GO Train (yay for living so darn close!) and sit in comfort with my Ipod and read a book. I have always loved reading but the last few years....impossible (I can't even pee in private anymore!). Once we arrive downtown I have to haul ass to get up the street to my office. I swear the first two days I thought I was going to die of a heart attack! What a rush though, I feel great after my heart settles back down lol. My legs were in PAIN, calves and thighs, but it's getting better. I feel stronger and mentally more alert already. I also feel important and like a real worker! I have to hustle back down to the train at 5pm to catch the 5:15 train - another heart attack marathon - but I know it'll get easier and easier and hopefully I'll see some real results (weight loss please!) from the consistent physical activity. Corey picks the kids up in the evening now which is also nice. I get home and they rush the door to see me. All three days Corey has had a good handle on supper by the time I get home too - BONUS!

The job itself seems very complicated lol. I was a developer before and now I'm in more of a coordination role. I'm a "Release Specialist" which means I coordinate infrastructure releases making sure they're planned accordingly, sign offs are obtained and implemented as planned for. There is a lot of learning since I was more on the software side of things and don't know all the Infrastructure terminology etc. There hasn't been much for me to actually do yet, just learn about, but that's a good thing since I have so many adjustments to make all around. It'll be nice to be busy though!

The people here are amazing, very welcoming and encouraging. I've run into a few people that worked at my old office and even one who worked with me in my first position with the bank TEN YEARS AGO! That was awesome, a blast from the past. I've been bringing my lunch in every day so far, avoiding the temptations of Downtown. I did decide to go over to the Eaton Centre for lunch today though, I deserve it every once in a while!

Home life is wonderful. Mackenna is a full fledged PERSON now. She walks AND talks - I've got another advanced talker on my hands! She's so different from her sister though, especially physically. She's a solid girl and moves her body with a confidence that we didn't see in Samantha until much further along (like a year + - seriously). She can fall and pick herself right back up with no crying - yay! She's the happiest kid ever and why wouldn't she be? She has her sister!

That's been fascinating to watch - the sister bond forming. Samantha is an incredible big sister, loving, understanding and gentle. They can always count on each other to be there, you really see how strong that bond is when you separate them (and Sam says she really misses her sister). They're both doing amazing at the Daycare (I get glowing progress reports - they love my kids!) and I'm so happy with the people we chose. They've become a part of the girls family.

Corey and I are still strong - for all intents and purposes - but internally I have been struggling with some issues I have with the relationship. I've been thinking of possibly returning to therapy to discuss some of my feelings because I really don't know. That's really how I sum it up, I don't know. Thanks to my upbringing, I don't know if I ever will. I'm just trying to avoid the explosion that would result in me discussing my issues with Corey at this point because I'm not sure. It's all on the back burner for now however - there is just too much going on at once.

Funny how I've wanted to get all this out before addressing one of the biggest things going on in my life - my Nanny is dying. Last week I got news that she had entered the hospital because of mysterious back pain. The very next day new news - Nanny has bone cancer stemming from stage 4 lung cancer. There is nothing they can do but make her comfortable in her final days. When I initially got the call I cried, but I haven't cried since. It's like OK, that's life. This is the end of her story. But then, I want to call her and can't. I try to ask myself why - because I really want to call her - but I just haven't/can't? I really want to see her before she passes as well, but I'm not jumping in my car either. What's up with that self?

I have very clear memories of my grandparents from very early on. It's sad to me because when I was a kid, we were like a typical family. We'd get together at Christmas, visit them often, take alone trips without my mom to their cottage. Then things got complicated and the family fell apart. Sisters (my mom and my aunts) started fighting and everyone went their separate way. I still saw my Grandparents on my own or with my mom for a while, but it was never the same. Even the way they talked...it was with bitterness for how their family dissolved. I still enjoyed the time with them, shopping, playing cards, eating and watching TV, but it was a different relationship emotionally. There was no LOVE, the way I myself define love. Naturally, as I grew up into the person I am today, I also grew distant from them. The last few years, since my mom died really, I have accepted things for what they are. In fact, I even tell them every time I talk to them that I love them (Nanny 80% of the time responds that she loves me too, Grandpa- never). It's who I am now.

So I cried when I heard the news because I really love my Nanny. A lot. And I thought about my mom, how would she have dealt with this? How would she have been involved? I heard they may have known she's had lung cancer for 8 months and didn't tell anyone (a story I've heard from a lot of friends with people of that generation who pass). I've heard Nanny's sisters didn't even know my mom was dead. So part of me is confused....how do I love someone I don't even really know - and how does that work?

I'm going to call her today - I really am - because my Aunt told me I should if I intend on talking to a semi-lucid person. I'm also going ahead with the original plan, stopping in and seeing her after our trip to New Brunswick next week. I hope she's still alive by then....but I'm willing to take that risk right now.

I may WANT a drama free life, but I'm also learning that's just not possible. Up and down, round and round.

Sarah and Corey + 2

Woah! Time! What the heck are you doing to me? I'm back at work! How nuts is that?

So yea, I have a 13 month old and a 3 year old now! Time sure flies! My year off....how do I capture this....going to have to go at it point form, there's a lot.

• Had baby, adjusted, sucky summer both weather and adjustment wise.
• Sam breaks leg on Thanksgiving Monday. Holy boring! She couldn't walk and so I had two babies in diapers not walking. Longest 7 weeks EVER.
• Christmas was wonderful! Grandma and Pop pop came over for a few days and it felt like a vacation. Sam was amazing!
• Winter Blues :( I had a case of them let me tell you. The snow was NOT fun. Getting around with a 2 year old and newborn is tough enough...throw in snow?
• Made some BFF's. Kim and Kathy have become two of my closest friends! Kim and I reconnected over my pool last summer and kept the playdates weekly! Towards the end it became 2-3 times a week. Her kids, Claire and Addison are perfect for my kids, age wise lol. Kathy and I bonded over our love of drama and gossip lol. It has since evolved into a deep friendship and I don't know what I'd do without her.
• Many ups and downs between Corey and I. A very major incident that could have destroyed us but has instead made us stronger. I have never felt as secure in my life.
• A two week trip to NJ that start and began with a 14 hour train ride. It was a roller coaster the whole trip but I managed to do some growing up and learning. Learned to never take a 1 and 3 year old on the train alone again!
• Spend quality time with my kids. We went to Move and Groove, playdates, park trips, shopping, walking around Brampton, concerts in the park, Gage, Chincousay. It was great having the time to watch them grow, especially Sam who has become her own little person - and a great one at that!
• Started playing poker - in real life! I play weekly for free, well you can win pub gift certificates and one trip to vegas per year. It's "my night" to get out every week and be a person on my own. I love the game and the people who play are all awesome.
• House wise we're still doing improvements. New pool liner, new pool stones, new backyard landscaping and a nice new deck. Corey did all of it by himself with the cheapest materials he could find (and for Corey that means good quality stuff at a bargain - craigslist, friends, habitat for humanity restore).
• Got a new cat, Winnie. Corey brought her home at 8 weeks on Dec 31, 2008. Freckles never did make it over to our house.
• Got to spend quality time with brothers. Both came down last summer and then Dan was down again this March. He's now living on his own in a group home. I went to visit them on Dan's b-day all alone. It was a great bonding weekend.

So now life is back to "normal" and I'm working 5 days a week. I found a nice private home "Daycare" for the girls. The people running it (husband and wife) speak French and have all 4 of their kids in French school, bonus! The kids are still adjusting but it's getting better. It's nice to see them miss me and feel like they'd be better with me :)

I have to say though, it is very nice to be back at work, if only to be an adult for 8 hours a day lol. This is so much easier than being home 24/7! I just don't have it in me. I'm getting better at keeping the house "clean" and "organized", but my heart has never been into it. It just has to be done!

The work itself here at work is crap. I'm not getting clear training/direction and am dealing with the same crap that was going on before I left. I don't know what they accomplished while I was gone! I think I need a change and so I've been applying internally ever since I got back. I've been in this position for 10 years....it's about time I changed things up a bit!

I'm continuing to learn about myself and implement change. Sometimes it works, other times it backfires. I'm opening up and being honest with people and it seems to help during those times when it's backfiring. It's also "chased" a few people off, but that's to be expected. I'm being BRUTALLY honest, no more drama!

I feel like I have a good handle on things and an over all balanced life :) It's a good time for me!

Giving Myself A Break

You know, I'm trying to figure it out, this guilt thing. Where did I get it? From my mother? My family? Me genes? The Catholic upbringing?

I sit there sometimes and fester in this cloud of guilt. I didn't call someone when bla bla bla happened. I'm not "doing my best" to nurture this friendship or this family relationship etc.

Well you know what? I'm not. And I have so many good reasons, for my own life, why I'm not. So you know what? Goodbye guilt. Go BLEEP yourself!

It's time to give ME a break. Yes, I'm compassionate and tolerant of other people and often feel a responsibility to "be the bigger person" and do more, but I never look at my own obstacles and do the same for myself.

It's been three years since hurricane Katrina and the headlines made me ask myself what's been going on in my life over the last three years. My list is quite the doozy.

I got prenant. We moved in with my in-laws. My mother committed suicide. I repaired my relationship with my brother. We bought an investment property in New Brunswick. I had a baby. We had a misscarriage. I got pregnant again. We bought a house in Brampton. We renovated a house in Brampton. We moved out of the in laws (after OVER TWO YEARS thankyouverymuch). I remained deathly sick for 70% of the pregnancy. I had another baby.

And here we are. It feels like the "light and the end of the tunnel". I'm so happy, I'm bursting. Mack is 12 weeks old and an incredible baby (nursing moms know what the 12 week mark means!) We've adjusted to the added responsibility of a baby as best we can. Sam is incredibly smart and so much fun that the two-year-old antics are mild. They are present though! So as an added bonus in my life I have Grandma and Pop pop. I can take my kids over to their house WHENEVER I WANT. Heck, they would love it if they could see the kids every day! I trust them, and because we lived with them for the first 18 months of Sam's life, she has no problem whatsoever going to their house. In fact, she asks to go and looks forward to it for days. Corey and I can do whatever we want. We can be alone whever we want, go visit people, be HOME ALONE. In fact right now, Sam is at Grandma's for TWO DAYS. Hence the blogging. I'm cleaning my house SLOWLY, spending time with my husband and baby, might go for a swim sans 2 year old. I've been wanting to get some of these thoughts down for a while too, so might as well take advantage of the time :)

Right, so I'm happy. And that guilt thing? I think I've got it figured out. I'm going to be more open about my feelings. What a lot of it boils down to for me is I'm giving myself a break. I've had a crazy/rough/life changing three years. It's time I let people be tolerant and considerate of my situation. I can't do that unless they know about my situation. It's all about sharing, opening up. And who knows, that may help someone else too.

Happyness is infectious.

I feel so full of life right now! I'm getting out into the community and making friends. I'm going out on dinner/movie nights with other moms. I'm more active as I walk around the city. We're eating fresh and healthy foods from the farmers market down the street, and now from our own garden too! My kids are beautiful, happy, smart....

I deserve this.

Birth Story - FINALLY!!

Well, she's 12 weeks old and I'm just now getting to her birth story. How sad is that? Unavoidable though let me tell you. Two little ones is BUSY.

So June 2nd I go in for my OB appointment, overdue. The doctor says she's going to be on call the next day and she would like me to come in for 7:30am to be induced. I did NOT want to be induced and wanted to wait longer but she insisted and said if I wanted to I could wait until the following day. Gee, thanks, one day. I was sooooooooooo dissheartened. I seriously did not want to be induced. I desperately wanted to have a natural contraction! Spent the day talking with hubby, cousin and MIL about what I should do. They all thought I should follow the "experts advice" and get induced. I agreed and plans were made for me to go in the following morning (MIL and hubby told their offices they wouldn't be in etc.)

I spent the day sad but accepting. Walked a lot, tried to get things going. We ordered a big pizza with lots of toppings for dinner. I decided to have some despite the heartburn I knew it would bring. At 10pm I figured I'd better go to bed and watch "The Mole" season premier and try to get some rest for the next day.

I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I decided to give it one last try and began to stimulate my nipples. Well wouldn't you know it....A CONTRACTION!!!! Then 10 minutes later, another! Then another! OMG! I was soooooooooooo freakin excited. They didn't feel as bad as I thought they would and I was managing fine. I told hubby to get some sleep and tried sleeping in between contractions. I wasn't even timing them or anything, just knew I had a long ways to go. At about 2am I lost my mucus plug and asked hubby if we should go in. He was dead asleep and told me to get some sleep for the morning! At 3am I took a shower :P I don't know why, I just remembered hearing people say they had a shower so I thought it would be a good idea. The contractions were regular but manageable so I kept sleeping on and off as best as I could figuring we'd go in for 7:30am as planned and see how far along I had progressed.

At 6am I started getting people up, delegating everything because the contractions were coming faster and harder. I stood outside under our big tree in the front of the house labouring through my contractions in the rain. It was beautiful and peaceful, a moment in time I will NEVER forget.

We headed over to the hospital dropping Sam off at Grandmas along the way. Grandma was confused when I said I couldn't get out of the car, she just assumed I was going in for the induction and had no idea I was in labour.

Got to the hospital for 7:30am like we planned. I told them I was scheduled for an induction but had gone into labour the night before. They were unconcerned and hooked me up to a monitor. The nurse said the contractions didn't look strong and that the doctor would be in around 8am to check my progress. My heart sunk, all that work for nothing? I prayed for at least 4 cms dialated!

8am the doctor checked and holy crap, 6cms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She broke my water and the big time contractions started coming faster and faster. I was asked if I wanted an epidural and I told them I needed to think about it. It was all very overwhelming.

At about quarter to nine the doctor said she had to go upstairs for a surgery and asked how I was feeling. I told her i was doing ok but that I felt like I needed to poo. She said she had better check me "just incase" and wouldn't you know it, I was FULLY DIALATED! No time for drugs, this was happening. I remember saying "What? Now? But I'm not ready yet! This is happening too fast!"

Pushing was exciting and painful at the same time. Can't complain too much since two pushes later, at 9:13am, Mackenna Victoria entered the world, perfect in every day. I had no tearing at all. It was THE most incredible thing ever.

And the good fortune has continued! I thought Sam was a great baby, easy etc. Ha! Mack is happy, quiet, easy, growing like a weed. Sam was always at the bottom end of growth charts, not this one! Breastfeeding is so much easier and more relaxed. She's got a great temperment. The first 12 weeks of nursing were tough, but it's getting easier and easier every week.

I have so much to write about and so little time. I hope I get more soon!

Introvert

I am definately an introvert. I recharge my batteries by being alone. I still haven't thought enough to figure out why I'm an introvert, if that's even possible (maybe you just "are"). Even in crowds, I'm usually the one who's observing, listening, disecting people. I have a tough time opening up in large settings. I much prefer the one on one, or small group (3-4 people). Maybe it's because then I don't feel pressure to "move on" to someone else. I don't feel the need to make talk happen, but quickly, because you have to socialize! In smaller groups, one person talks and everyone listens. They're not keeping a look out over your shoulder for someone, or feeling like they have to go rescue their partner, visit with the host etc.

Being an introvert, a sheltered childhood, I have had to work hard at opening up to people. Wait, that's not true, I did have to work harder at opening up to people. But you know what? It became easier and easier. And I became happier and happier.

I'm going to nurture my extrovert though. Like why am I going on about this right now when all anyone wants to know is "did you have the baby" lol. Ahhhhhh, I have just recharged my batteries :) Sam went with Grandma and Poppop last night. I got to leave work, drive straight home and had the house to myself for over 2 hours. I organized paperwork, started some laundry and logged onto the net. It was sooooooooooooooooooo nice. When Corey walked in I was organizing Mackenna's clothes and packing my hospital bag. Can I just say that packing those tiny little clothes in my bag REALLY got me excited. I chatted with my awesome new neighbours (we have incredible neighbours, on all sides, our house is like a dream house for us I'm NOT kidding) and they gave me CAKE (these particular ones are two sisters, their mom and one of the sisters son - 8). It's so nice to have a group of women next door, I mean cake? For a pregnant lady? I LOVE it! Cleaned out the car, sigh of relief, it was really nasty. Then Corey and I hung out arguing :P Last night it was over meat, then dinosaurs, then species and whether or not we are animals...gotta love us :)

And of course this morning I slept in until 10am. OK I was up at 4:30, 5:30, 8, 9 and finally 10, but I slept in! lol Had a nice long shower (usually the kid is in my bed watching TV), used some nice smelling creams, watched Maury (paternity tests, gotta love them). I stopped for lunch on my way into the office and they gave me a HUGE salad (instead of side small) and TONS of pickles, "for the baby". Better enjoy it while I can eh???

Then to top it off, got the report on Sams night from Grandma. Sam helped make supper, ate like a champ, played in the backyard a bit, went to the park with her "boyfriend" Ryan (walked there and back! laughing and smiling!), had a bath and went right to sleep :) Grandma was so happy, told me Sam smiled in her sleep as she was drifting off and said "I love you Grammy".

How lucky am I to have that? I know my kid is safe, loved, loves being there...and look at all I get! Even tonight, Grandma is picking Sam up and driving her over to the house. I'm making supper for everyone :) It's suposed to be a gorgeous summer like day.

Mackenna, you're a lucky little girl. I don't know why you don't want to come out and join us, but we're sure looking forward to it and hope you join us soon. 40W + 1D

Cozy Uterus

I was really hoping that stupid 7 thing meant May 27th. I tried, I really tried. I walked. I ate pineapple. I ate spicy ribs! Yea, all I did was give myself the runs and make myself puke, in the middle of the night. I sure didn't make any progress happen! In fact, who knew this possible, the baby is HIGHER than she was last week. FRIG.

I was NOT a happy camper yesterday. It was like 30C and VERY humid. Not good for a super pregnant lady let me tell you. I quickly decided to take Sam out for dinner. I was in no mood to cook in that heat. Tured out to be a great decision. We had such a nice dinner. I'm really lucky, I have a great kid. I didn't need to bring anything to distract her. First she read me the menu (she told me what she saw in pictures, "Pizza!" "Nuggets!" "Salad!" "Noodles!"). Then she coloured a picture (and I got the blue crayon, "Mommy's favourite colour" - she's learning!). We then drew her hands (a facinating thing to do did ya know?). When supper arrived we shared everything. She loved how I spun my angel hair pasta with the spoon and I had to spin her a couple of mouthfuls, so cute. Dessert was three little ice cream cones and we shared :) Throw in the fact that it was kids eat free and well, you can see my delight! She's great too because she loves to people watch. Just like her Mom and Dad, so I got plenty of time to sit back, eat and relax. Heck we outlasted a table of 10! Me and my 22 month old! She made sure to take her greasy placemat with her drawn hands home for Daddy :) She asked where he was a few times and wanted me to know she would have liked "Mommy AND Daddy". It goes like this, "Where's Daddy Mommy?" "Daddy is at work sweetheart" "Mommy, I want Mommy AND Daddy". She was also very concerned with where "Kenna" would be sitting when she joined us the next time. I picked her a flower on the way out and we both went home happy as clams :)

I got emotional afterwards, when telling Corey all about it. This was probably our last dinner out just the two of us for a VERY long time. I didn't really see it that way until later that night...and then it hit me, everything is changing. Just when things are so perfect. I have no doubt it'll be even more perfect, but what if it isn't?

Ah life.

The Number Seven?

I'm SEVEN days away from my due date.

I have SEVEN days left at work.

My prediction, June 7th.

That would suck, because my cousin is here the 1st to the 6th. I hope I'm wrong!

Life is good. Getting things done, feeling relaxed, happy. When I look back at this pregnancy I won't have much good to relfect upon, but at least I have SOMETHING. I enjoy eating again, and that is a GOOD thing. It's an important thing for me.

The challenge is keeping the weight off after the baby comes. I totally see myself pigging out on garbage all summer. That's what I did last time! After you have a baby, for the first week or so you never feel full. I remember eating and eating and never feeling full! Probably because your body is all unsquished so your tummy is happy to have extra room. I dunno. I'd really like to stay healthy though, maybe even get down to my PP Sam weight. I have a pool, plenty of cool places to walk too...I just need to stay motivated and eat healthy!

All my work is transitioned so I sit here all day trying to "look busy". I've been surfing the net, reading my pregnancy sites and catching up on missed TV shows. If they need me I'm here and have been answering questions but I could go anyday, so I have no deliverables. It's a nice break :)

I don't have the energy to write after all lol. I'm off to read instead!