Me and Motherhood

Another New Adventure

2011-11-30T16:00:00.002-05:00

So we did end up buying that cottage! We now own three properties. I still can't wrap my head around that! This opportunity was so clearly obviously meant for us though....life.

There are so many wonderful memories of the cottage going through my mind already and it's only been less than two months since we've owned it. I want to eventually live in the area for SURE. In 6 years we've gone from wanting to move to NB to settling down here in Ontario. Never in a million years could I have predicted this adventure :)

Dec 6th is fast approaching. I find myself fighting off blankets of sadness that seem to come out of no where. Even at the cottage, I find myself thinking about how so freakin' much my mom would have loved it. Heck, we've even thought about how she could have moved up there with Corey's mom - it would have been PERFECT! I'm so mad that she never got to see ANY of this, the kids, the jobs, the houses...I'm doing it Mom!!! I'm breaking the patterns!

The memories of the phone call that day, the trip to Quebec, they're all so vivid yet so far....I guess that makes sense, this is the 6th anniversary of her passing. I don't do anything to mark the occasion, I don't really tell anyone, I go to work, I don't "RIP Mom" on Facebook or the like. All my mourning/thinking/rationalizing takes place in my own mind.

And right around the corner is Christmas :) A HUGE holiday in our house again what with the kids so involved!

I'm happy, healthy, surrounded by people I love and once a year, I'm going to think about my mom and her traumatic passing. C'est la vie :) And I have one of the best lives I know!

Cancer

2011-10-06T10:31:00.002-04:00

You know what sucks? Cancer. It's so bloody random and HARD. Hard for the person who's suffering, obviously, and hard for the friends and family around that person. It just sucks.

The way I see it, our bodies are made up of a bunch of chemicals and processes that all work together. Just like everyones personality is different, so are our chemicals and processes inside our body. I believe there are ways to try and avoid cancer, like not smoking, but even that.....I don't think anyone can predict how their own internal body is going to react to any one chemical or speck of dust for that matter that enters his/her body.

I believe cancer just happens, randomly.

I believe that people can fight it, using medicines, brain power, but just like the randomness of it occurring in the first place, everyone is different and not all bodies/chemicals/processes are healed. Some people can't find an answer.

I think too that your brain is the last process to "die", and that's how/why people seem to hang on for that one last milestone (a birthday, someone coming to say good bye etc.). It's their brain hanging on.

I really think you have to say to yourself, in that moment, it's OK now. I can die. And then you do. I really believe that.

And that makes me feel better about it all. It takes away the worry from my mind.

That's about all I can do.

That and help those around me suffering.

Thank you Nanny/Bill/Jack/Steve for being such strong people and helping me learn this lesson as young as I am. I forsee a lot of this in my future.

Positive Influence

2011-10-04T11:07:00.002-04:00

Someone recently asked the following in a forum:I don't know if I've noticed it more recently b/c I've adopted a more positive lifestyle but I feel I'm becoming a bit intolerant of negative people. I often times find myself trying to pick my friends or family up out of the dumps or to help them shift their negative attitudes into positive ones. I find with certain people they are constantly negative, they play the poor me card and the cloud is always over their head. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself or even complain all that much, I try to always look at the bright side of things but I'm running out of ways to deal with these people that are consistantly negative. If i'm trying to lead a positive, happy, healthy lifestyle, I don't really see a spot for people like this who pretty much just debbie downers. The weather, my job, my life, my lack of love life, me, me, me, why? why? why? Some of these people and situations are avoidable, others, not so much. How do NOT use all of my energy trying to pump them up and inturn end up feeling down about it?

My Reply:I too am trying to live my life as positively as possible. I grew up in a very negative toxic family and feel like a "white sheep amongst a family of black sheep". I used to feel exactly the same way you do :) I am also an overthinker!

What I learned was that I have two options, shut these negative people out or rise above them and try to help out - as much as I can. Why would I want to help? Because I am really lucky that I have the brain I do and why shouldn't I use it to help others!

Now helping others sometimes means just listening. When listening sometimes, I go over my grocery list in my mind, or think about my kids and what we're going to be doing this upcoming weekend. I need to do that because these negative people can go on and on and on and I can only give so much advice :) My advice is short, to the point, and I KNOW 99% of the time probably going in one ear and out the other. But I don't let it bother me! It is what it is and I just "shelf it" when the encounter with the negative person is done.

I have a LOT of practice with this.

I'm a positive influence on others and have practiced and learned how to live independently in a positive manner while maintaining key relationships with those I love. Like anything, practice practice practice! :)

I love being me.

Unplanned Weekend

2011-09-14T13:47:00.003-04:00

In my world, when you don't plan your weekend, the following happens:
Friday night - kids are gone to Grandma's. Hubby and I go out for dinner and dancing! Lovely night with my hunny.

Saturday morning - Corey has a cottage "I have to see" that he...wants me to see! So we go see it. I fall in love. Right there on the spot we make an offer :)

Saturday afternoon - friend calls and invites us up to his boat for the end of year party

Saturday evening - pick the kids up from Grandmas and head out to the boat. Eat large amounts of free food with some hoity toity boaters. Hang out on a boat! It even had these two little "kid sized" beds that the girls LOVED. It also had a DVD player ;) It was nice to sit outside of the boat and smell the country air. The stars were beautiful as well!

Sunday morning - actual boating :) Corey took the kids and I on a nice little ride. We decided we're not boaters though and are glad we're thinking of cottage instead :)

Sunday afternoon - time to go home and get ready for the week!

Sunday evening - I had to run out and grab some groceries, when I get home the kids and hubby are no where to be found. Finally found them in our neighbours yard - on their new giant swing set. Guess I know where to find my missing family from now on!

This upcoming weekend is a planned weekend that includes Poker on Fri night, a baby shower Sat afternoon, a 30th b-day party on Sat night and a boat tour of Toronto aboard a pirate ship on Sunday :)

Family life = busy!

This Is What Life Is About

2011-09-01T10:27:00.003-04:00

This morning Sam looked at me and said "Why do you look pretty today Mommy?" I was taken back, I'm not wearing anything "special"!

Then, when washing her face and hands, she started single the Bruno Mars song "You're Amazing" to me. I joined her and wrapped her little body up in my arms as close as I could while we sang together.

THIS is what life is about.

Staycation 2011

2011-07-27T16:34:00.002-04:00

I recently took two weeks off from work to enjoy some quality time with my family. A "Stay-cation" as they say in this day and age. Frequently during said staycation, I found myself saying "I need to document this" because it was EPIC. Every single day was something special and often, unplanned. Here are the highlights:

Day 1 - Canada Day
Went swimming
Decided at the last possible second to try and go see Fireworks
Did not make it to the Firework site but instead watched from a Second Cup patio
Amazing evening, totally unexpected. The kids had so much fun and we need to go back to the same spot next year!

Day 2
Went swimming
Went shopping for "Staycation" supplies

Day 3
Went swimming
Another day of shopping for "Stacation" supplies

Day 4
Went swimming
Scrambled to prepare the house for Lynn and Kailin's visit
Had an amazing dinner with Lynn/Kailin/Auntie Lianne/Grandma/Betty
Went swimming with all of the above
Stayed up until 2am drinking wine and gabbing with Lynn

Day 5
Went swimming
Went to Gage Park for their worship event - a bonus and great time for Lynn
After Gage Park, took the kids on a walking tour of downtown Brampton - so much fun!
Stayed up until 2am drinking wine and gabbing with Lynn

Day 6
Went swimming
Took Lynn and Kailin to Cora's for brunch before they had to leave
Relaxed/swam the rest of the day

Day 7
Went swimming
Fuzion workout! Needed that after all the drinking for sure. Brought kids and class was outside. So much fun!
Big Brother kickoff in my backyard

Day 8
Went swimming
Party prep!

Day 9
Went swimming
Samantha's 5th birthday party! So much fun. Realized though, my kid wants big girl parties now

Day 10
Went swimming
Party recovery

Day 11
Went swimming
Relaxed
Drank a bottle of red wine
Enjoyed "sexy time" with hubby after said bottle of wine :D

Day 12
Samantha's actual Birthday!
Took a trip downtown with the girls, went to visit my work etc.
Went to Montanna's for dinner with Grandma and Bonny. Sam wanted them to sing to her
Went to the neighbours for a "Boy Bash" involving a LOT of alcohol...

Day 13
Went swimming
Tried to eat better

Day 14
Went swimming
Fuzion workout!!! No Kim so I was "in charge" of the door. Kids came

Day 15
Went swimming
Shriners Circus
Classic Cars night at Gage

Day 16
Went swimming
Participated in the Classic Cars parade downtown
Had a babysitter and went to Gage for the nights concert with hubby

Day 17
Went swimming
Prepared to face reality the next day. Bittersweet.

3 Years!?!?!?!?

2011-06-15T11:22:00.003-04:00

I just had a convo with a co-worker who is about to become a Grandmother. It was all baby, all pregnancy and delivery.

Then it hit me. My BABY is three years old.

THREE.

My BABY.

Looking back at pictures, I'm amazed. Time is a crazy thing and these children are like markers of time slapping you in the face.

Three years.

It's so much fun having children instead of babies. It's easier, more interactive and yes, a struggle sometimes but if you remain consistent, it's just waves of "hard" and not "always hard". We have these two other little people in our lives now and some days it feels like they just magically appeared. The struggles of babyhood were drops in the pan all things considered. In the moment they were consuming and scary...but now - "I wish I knew then what I know now!"

I've been lucky though, I have a lot of support and guidance. Mother's told me to appreciate every moment and I really do try to be aware of the small moments and things that are happening. They're just happening way to fast now!

Samantha will finish her first year of school this month and will turn 5 next month.

I can't even go there right now. That's when I started this blog!

I am the luckiest person I know :)

The Awakening

2011-05-19T12:23:00.002-04:00

I have truly lived through an "Awakening" as per below. Most of the stuff written here was not ingrained in me, I didn't grow up being taught to believe in myself - at all. I'm so lucky to have lived through one though because at 32, I have the rest of my life ahead of me to live a fulfilled and happy life.

I read this on a blog I follow and the person who posted it got it from "anonymous" or "author unknown," and if you know the author's name---please share it with me.

Choose change before change chooses you people!!!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out… ENOUGH! Enough fighting, crying, blaming, and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears, and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change. Or, for happiness, safety, and security to appear over the next horizon as if by magic.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. And, in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are, and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you, or didn’t do for you. You learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean, or mean what they say. That not everyone will always be there for you, and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own. You learn to take care of yourself, and in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are. To overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process peace and contentment are born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing. You begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything. It’s not your job to save the world, and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are, not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty, so you take more time to rest. You learn that just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So, you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for. That wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into, and through your fears because you know that whatever may happen, you can handle it. You learn that to give in to fear is to give away your right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life. Not to squander it by living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair. You don’t always get what you think you deserve. That sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. You learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you, and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong, and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected. If not, they will suffocate the life out of you. They will poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful, and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted. The things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself. You make yourself a promise to never betray yourself. To never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling. To keep trusting. To stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand. You take a deep breath. You begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Personal Assistant

2011-05-04T11:42:00.002-04:00

I think I need a personal assistant :) I'm soooo bad at the mundane! The biggest example I can think of is uploading pictures, editing them and then ordering them. I love taking pictures and then I just leave them on my computer unused. People are ASKING for pictures and the request gets filed in the back of my head - never getting done.

The problem is, I WANT to! Maybe I don't need a personal assistant, maybe I just need a faster Internet connection?

My poor Grandmother in law, my poor family in the US. They aren't getting their pictures!

The kids are going to Grandma's this weekend and I HAVE to get them done. This is it. Procrastinator, you are now hitting your deadling. DO IT.

That is all.

Who Said This Was Hard?

2011-04-28T10:12:00.004-04:00

I don't think Motherhood is hard - not one bit. Challenging? Yes, most definately. I love the challenge - I love trying to figure out how each child responds to different situations.

Samantha is my cautious child, no doubt. She's been talking-talking since 18 months old and really seemed to understand/grasp consequences. I never had to worry about Sam touching a stove or running into the street - she KNEW. She's the same way now, she listens to our instructions and I think it helps that we always outline the consquences of the possible actions.

Sam is also my sensitive child. Tell her she can't have something and she immediately wells up with tears. Sometimes she'll try and hold them in, and I see her using breathing techniques to calm herself down. When we have these moments I try and encourage her to use her big girl words to express her emotion, explaining that she has the power of language now and that crying is not the solution to her problem. When I do get her to explain why she's upset, I make sure and listen to her reasoning. Often times she will have a very logical reason for wanting what she wanted and to reward her for holding back on the "freak out" and communicating, I will give her what she wants. I love seeing her face recognize that hey, I got something I wanted after all! You can see her really process this as well. When she doesn't get what she wanted in the first place of COURSE it's still most often a battle - she IS only four after all - but I try my best (not perfect - I can admit it!) to remain calm and reiterate that she needs to use her big girl words and that even sometimes with these words, the answer is still NO.

Sam is seriously smart. Her memory is wicked good. The stuff she remembers from when she was 2 even blows us away. It's a bit scary for me to think about sometimes because there have been some bad things along the way - me and Corey having an arguement for example - and I worry about how that's being processed in her brain. I have some pretty vivid memories of my mom and her "men" that are not so favourable and I feel bad that I'm doing the same. Of course when I really think about it, Sam is seeing us argue but she's also seeing us make up. We TRY not to argue in front of the kids, but when it happens, we really try to also make up in front of them. This is progress in my life and I have to accept it and celebrate it - chase away those negative thoughts :)

The way Sam has picked up on the French has also been "blowing us away". Yesterday, our 11 year old neighbour said "Bonjour!" to Sam - he's in his second year of learning French. Sam, in a very deliberate slow manner replied (in French) "You speak French Now! Way to go!" You could just tell that she was trying to be helpful and encouraging. I've been telling her that she's very lucky to be learning a different language and that she can really help her friends/sister/dad and voila, she is. Everyone is very thankful for it too and excited - we're spreading a language! :D

My Mackenna. Thinking about her fresh/alive/happy spirit is bringing me to tears! I have never in my life met a person like Mackenna. I feel a great responsibility to keep her spirit intact through this childhood period because if I do, she's going to continue to be an amazing person. I can kinda see what happens to a person who doesn't get that parenting - I think her Dad was the same when he was young. The challenge - her passion isn't always limited to fresh/alive/happy...it's also applied to her stubborness. Mack is an independent spirit and it backfires in our faces when she doesn't get what she wants. Full blown meltdown. SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, pushing, punching....whatever that kid "needs to do" to get what she wants, she's full of will. It's hard to remember that she's still only 2 because she talks like her sister now and understands concepts/consequences but we try to, because she has to still LEARN. It's an extra twist with the second child....you have to really be cognisant of their age and abilities and not expect more because you have another who is already there. I often have to check myself out and stand back for a second with Mack before responding to ensure I'm doing this.

I don't know what it is about her though....when I think about her I smile and feel like I'm craving her in my arms. She LOVES to cuddle! She loves to make people laugh too. We taught her a Christmas joke and she STILL tells people the joke on a regular basis just to get a laugh. She wiggles and moves with a big smile on her face, just to get a laugh.

Both my girls are already showing compassion and empathy for those around them - myself included. When I'm feeling down or sad, both girls will put their little chub hands onto my shoulder and look at me with such strong concerned looks. "You OK Mamma?" "You need a hug Mamma?" "I love you Mamma!"

I love my kids and some might say I got "lucky" because they're so "easy". I'd have to dissagree....I think they're lucky because we're really great parents :)

Spring Has Sprung!

2011-04-13T11:56:00.002-04:00

A spring....I missed you so much. Winter was such a Witch-with-a-B this year. Cold cold cold. I did good though and walked outside to and from Union Station about 95% of the time. It was hard, but man oh man worth it. Not only am I more physically fit because of it, but I so appreciate the spring that much more. I have a "spring" in my step when I walk now!

I want to highlight two tools that have contributed to my success with my physical transformation, www.myfitnesspal.com (my username is LongMom if you want to add me) and http://fuzionworkout.com/.

MyFitnessPal is the tool I use to log my foods to ensure I'm getting a calorie deficit every day. It has also become a source of motivation and support - it's like Facebook for healthy people!

Fuzion workout is a dance aerobics class that evolved from Zumba. I have become great friends with the instructor and attend both Tuesday and Thursday classes. This workout in my mind has fullfilled my need to dance. This need was previously filled by High School dances and clubbing. As those options are no longer feasible to me I'm so incredibly lucky to have stumbled upon this alternative. I love Skye and her energy!

What else. I think I have found a new job! Talk was starting to happen around this department, they were wanting to promote me within my position to a new level and I think I've known for a while that this job is NOT for me. I mean don't get me wrong, I can do it, but I don't think I've hidden the fact that I don't LIKE it. I was inspired by various networking events to get out there and network and guess it was good advice because it seems to have worked! I approached someone who I had worked with once on a problem we had and asked her if we could do lunch to talk about her job and she readily said yes and even brought her co-workers! I really liked them and the job they do so I'm applying - fingers crossed!

The Four Agreements

2011-03-03T11:45:00.001-05:00

I want to be a model of The Four Agreements:

1. Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.

4. Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.

Trucking Along

2011-01-25T12:19:00.003-05:00

2010 was an amazing year. I feel the need to capture why:
* Mackenna became MACKENNA. My baby girl is an amazing person, truely. She can speak clearly now in complete sentances and we've discovered that we have a little clown on our hands! Her main goal in life lately is to make us smile/laugh. It's so easy for us to do what with her little chubby cheeks and cute face!
* We finally got to enjoy our pool. Thank you nice summer weather! I went swimming almost every night and I still "go there" in my mind....floating on my back (usually NAKED!!!) looking up at the stars just being....ALIVE.
* I lost 30 lbs and became the "new me". I didn't really broadcast my efforts outside of www.myfitnesspal.com but I changed my physical self - for the good! I can't even begin to describe the energy I gained by changing my eating habits and getting regular exercise. Lesson learned self! I plan on getting rid of another 30lbs this year and hitting my "goal weight"
* I discovered the bestest workout ever - FUZION! http://fuzionworkout.com/ Skye is our (Kim's a fellow addict) instructor and I have never met someone more motivating than this chick. The energy just flows out of her and I take it ALL in. The class is simply a dance class. We learn high impact complicated dance moves to songs I LOVE and we dance every week! I can definately credit this workout for my success this year - and next. I also have made a new friend in Skye.
* Friends! I have made some lifelong friends this year. True friends. I'm finally the honest real person that I have wanted to be - I did it! By being more open and honest with people I really like, I have discovered "Friend love" and even "sisterhood" in the sense that I pictured it. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else lol but it means a LOT to me!
* Roots. We are developing some STRONG roots here in Brampton Ontario Canada and I don't think we ever want to leave. New Brunswick is no longer "in scope". I love my community, my house and my life here in Brampton.
* We got a new family member, Maggie. Hard to believe she's almost a year old (Feb 13th). Time flies! I'm still not a "dog person", I have to admit, but she's a good dog and if I had to have one (which I did apparently) then I couldn't have asked for a better dog. <3 you Maggie!
* Sam started school! I've posted about how great she's doing and it continues! My kid is going to be a smart cookie - good thing we've got the savings going for their post-secondary education!
* Corey and I are stronger than ever. It's been a WILD ride in this regard, but we're working on it all the time. He's my best friend in the whole world and I'm very lucky.
* Family peace - I've finally gotten rid of most of (come on, it'll never be ALL) my expectations when it comes to my extended family. They are warped/screwed up/different people and yes, that hurts, but what the heck can I do about it? I can only live my life - I have no control over these people. I wish them all luck with their sad lives :) I'm here if you need me!
* Family strength - my new and improved family is getting stronger. I got to spend a lot of quality time with my niece Kailin and her mom and wow...this is the family I always dreamed of. Non-judgemental, open, loving and caring. I am so lucky to have them in my life.
* Work confidence - the first year is over and done with here at my new job and while I may not necessairly like the work itself that I'm doing, I at least feel more competant when doing it! I have a lot of power and exposure at work and in 2011 I want to find a way to harness this feeling and move on to something I actually like. Exciting!
* Fun. 2010 was FUN. I just feel so lucky!

Samantha's First Report Card

2010-11-29T16:01:00.002-05:00

We received Samantha's first report card on Friday! It's all in French and they use BIG WORDS! I have to admit, I used an online translator to understand some of these wonderful words they used. Here are the comments she received:

On her personal and social development:
Samantha displayed a degree of autonomy and self-confidence in her behavior, and fits easily to her new school. She requires a little help to dress and put on her shoes. She demonstrated a great consideration with respect to her peers, personal effects and materials at her disposal. She respects the rules of group living and routines with efficiency and participates with great enthusiasm during circle time activities. She contributes positively to the functioning of the class.

Literacy:
Expectations and learning content that comprise the program for Samantha are derived from the French Framework Programme. Samantha identifies and recognizes the letter of study, her first name and those of her peers with ease. Samantha reveals a very positive attitude towards learning french, she expresses herself more and more. She can recognize certain sounds and can find words containing the sound in the study with a little support.

Numbers:
Samantha demonstrated a good understanding of numbers by reciting the numbers from 1 to 5 with very little help. She acknowledges with some mathematical accuracy the rhyme (?). In addition, Samantha identifies and recognizes the circle in its environment with ease and is capable of displaying objects that are in the shape of a circle. She uses the correct terminology to name the geometric shape with very little help. Finally, she demonstrates a certain accuracy and effectiveness when matching objects one by one.

Arts:
Samantha is able to assemble the images in a drawing according to their shapes. In addition, she cuts the images efficiently. Samantha colours with some precision, but needs to work hard to do so.

Social Studies:
Samantha loves the songs memorizes them pretty quickly. Samantha meets the guidelines and safety rules with efficiency because she is able to measure the benefits of doing so.

Sciences:
Samantha accurately describes the activities related to the fall but needs a little help to describe the phenomena related to this season (whatever that means!).

Physical Education and Health:
Samantha participated in daily physical activities both inside and outside and demonstrated a high regard for her peers with displacements. In addition, Samantha respects the rules and guidelines established for security (whistle stop, using the materials and equipment safely) with efficiency. However, she executes with a certain efficiency of gross motor movements COORDINATION, balance and flexibility (ramp, ride). Samantha has excellent food and hygiene habits.

We're off to a great start with her education me thinks :D

Music Makes Me Happy

2010-11-17T10:47:00.005-05:00

I love music. No matter how alone/sad/tired I feel, hearing some of my favourite music always brightens my mood.

What's my favourite music you ask? Why hip hop of course! Why? The beats. I love love love to dance. There are many reasons to like music and for me in particular, I don't really care what the words say - I care about the beats and how I can move when I hear them!

The love of hip hop goes waaaaay back. I think I can pin point it to the summer between grade 8 and 9. Ahhhh what a summer. I was back in the big city of Lasalle after having been away in Northern Quebec for 2 years. It didn't take me long to make friends at my high school - I had gone to elementary school with most of the people for 6 years. I did make a "best friend" - Christina. Christina had a crush on a guy and he was really into hip hop so of course, we had to be too. I learned about Craig Mack, Kriss Kross, Jodeci, Boys to Men and many other groups. Christinas friend taught me how to "wine" and do the "butterfly". I could do it! It was time to move on from C and C music factory and the "running man". I was growing.

My brother happened to fall into the same type of crowd and he too developed an appreciation for hip hop. He did like the hard core rap as well. I can just imagine what my mother was thinking :)

Music takes me to a place....it numbs me. It shuts off the constant thinking that's going on in my brain.

Music also helps me get my negative energy out - through dance. I have discovered an amazing class called Fuzion. I started taking these classes with my instructor last year when she was under the "Zumba" umbrella. I knew immediately that Skye - my instructor - was different. The energy she exuded when dancing was infectious - I was hooked. The bumping and grinding, bouncing and wining - BAM - instant addict. Once I got to know Skye it was even more positive - the girl has three kids, teaches and has an amazing husband who supports her in every way. Together they support their community and participate in several outreach projects. Some of them I have even been able to contribute to - through dance!

I have had the pleasure of participating in 3 Flash Mobs to support one of their programs One Voice One Team. What's a flash mob you ask? It's an organized spontaneous looking dance in public! The first one we did was in front of the Skydome/Rogers Centre in downtown Toronto. I brought the kids, the hubby and some friends and had a BLAST. The feeling you get after putting yourself out there like that - incredible. The next one was in Downtown Brampton in front of Rose Theatre. I liked being able to walk to that one! While performing the dance I got to hear some teenagers talking, asking "what's going on?" One of them said "Oh, these are professional dancers". That definately made me feel good :)

The third Flash Mob was just the weekend before last - our first INDOOR Flash Mob! I can proudly say that I have danced inside a mall :)

All of these Flash Mobs were recorded and can be found on YouTube (search for One Voice One Team Flash mob).

I am down 30 lbs and counting. Fuzion and dancing have helped me stay on track. I have found my outlet to release negative energy!

It's no wonder I'm in the dumps today - I had to miss last nights class. I'm trying to shake it off though - there's always Thursday!

The Big Bad Bus

2010-10-28T09:33:00.002-04:00

It's 4pm - wait, it's 4pm! I've got to go get Sam from the bus! The first wave of panic crashes against me - will I have time to get Mack from the babysitter and be at the bus stop? I better hurry! Rush rush rush to find my coat, put on my coat, find my shoes, put on my shoes.

I'm sprinting up the street - what if her bus comes early? I turn the corner and go three houses down to pick up Mack. They're outside waiting for me, phew.

4:06 and Mack and I are at the bus stop. Phew, the bus is expected at 4:21pm. I made it! Mack and I start singing/playing/naming the colours on the cars.

Another wave of panic hits me - I haven't checked my watch, what time is it, it feels like we've been here forever, where is she?

4:11pm. Come on self....relax. She's been going to school for almost two months now. She will be here.

4:16pm I spot it, the bus. "Look Mack, Sissy's bus!" We both get up from the ground where we've been cuddling while watching all the leaves blow down the streets - it's a windy day! The bus gets closer, I'm getting anxious to see her.

The bus stops at the stop sign in front of us and the male driver waves dissmissivly at me and drives off.

Wait, what? There's never been another bus coming from that same direction as Sam's bus before. Wait, Kathy said the bus driver was male yesterday - Sam has a new driver. OMG...that bus didn't know who I was and drove off with my kid! FULL BLOWN PANIC, why didn't I bring my cell phone? That bus driver is new and he didn't know me and now my kid is in the bus driving away from me! She's only 4! She can't handle this! I can't move from this bus stop, what if it wasn't her bus, no one will be here! But I have to call the bus company and find out of she was on that bus!

4:17 ok...technically the bus isn't late, so I can't move. Maybe the bus driver will remember Sam is on the bus and turn around. I can't wait to see this guy and freak on him! I picture the conversation "This is our first year with a child on the bus. She's freakin' 4 years old, do you know what this has done to me? How could you forget to stop! Why didn't you open the bus door and ask? Don't know you that was a scheduled stop?" I'm pacing now, barely taking my eyes off the direction her bus should come in. I'm getting angry at myself for not bringing my cell phone!

I feel this way every time I pick her up - I should have brought my friggen cell phone. At least today I have a watch. I've learned that lesson.

4:20pm she's still NOT technicall late, but I just KNOW she was on that bus. I'm really in a panic now. This happens to all parents right? She'll be fine right? I smile at Mack as if to say "We're Ok!" but inside I'm ready to cry.

WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!

I don't know why we were excited for this school thing, she's 4 years old! She's too young to take a bus. She can't handle this! What are we going to do? 5 more minutes and I have to leave. No I can't...I have to wait until 15 minutes after the scheduled time - just incase. But I KNOW she was on that bus that passed by! Where's Corey? Isn't he panicking yet? We've been gone so long! Isn't he wondering where we are? Why isn't he coming to the stop? Then he could call the bus company. We need to radio that bus and get them to

"Mommy! Sissy's Bus!" 4:22pm

A Bus! It's coming from the direction Sam's bus comes from! The tears of joy are welling up in my throat. The bus turns it's stop signals on 15 feet away from where we are as it approaches. The wave of relief is almost powerful. The bus stops and the door opens. It IS a male bus driver!

"Sam!" I practically scream when I finally see my baby.

"She was complaining she was hot" says the amused bus driver.

I grab my kid off the bus and she walks towards home, not a care in the world, happily talking about another "awesome" day of Junior Kindergarten.

I'm just thankful I don't have to do this everyday :)

Bringing Out "The Draft Post"

2010-10-20T15:47:00.002-04:00

This week marked the Anniversary of my Grandmother's passing. Last year I wrote the following Blog around this time. It's been in my "Draft" folder ever since. I'm ready to share, to give some insight into my world and what it really is that I deal with when it comes to family. Part of the "mourning process"? It is for me :)

Enjoy:

I felt the need to write today - it must be a Friday thing. Before writing though, I reread my last post. Wow.

That Friday I did call my Nanny and talk to her. It was a good conversation. We avoided the obvious and chit chatted. She couldn't talk long, you could hear the rasping of her failing lungs and she ran out of breath very quickly. The next day, Saturday, my brother and cousin went up to see her. They phoned me in the evening and told me she was getting worse - fast. I told them to let me know how things were going the next day and I would make any decisions then. The next day they called to say they all had been called to the hospital, Nanny and slipped into a coma and was being read her "last rights". I immediately started making plans to fly out ASAP. Auntie L joined me and we made the 4pm flight. We got to Nanny at about 7:30pm.

She was lying in her hospital bed gasping for breath. She didn't even look like the same Nanny. We talked to her, told her we were there. I stroked her hair, willing the feelings through my touch, hoping she could feel and hear my presence. Shortly after we arrived, they removed her Oxygen (I later found out they had removed it earlier, but had put it back on when they heard we were coming). At aprox. 9:40pm she passed away. I was in the room with her and her sister and we talked to her as she passed, telling her it was ok to let go and that we were all there for her. I watched my grandmother take her last breath and simply stop. It was one of the most peaceful experiences of my life.

Wonderful story ain't it? I wish it ended there. I wish I could tell you all the family that was there gathered for a peaceful farewell, a chance to remember who she was together as a family. But this is my family :)

Before arriving my Aunt and I were prepared for some drama. My cousin J and my brother N were there and some family members did NOT like their presence. They didn't think it was good for G'pa because of COURSE he was stressing out. They also don't like my cousin and brother because of the choices they have and are making in their lives (they're young troubled kids - THANKS TO THEIR PARENTS who in J's case continue to torment her). Do I respect their decisions? Yes. Do I agree with them? No. Do I love them? YES. That to me means that I will TREAT THEM with LOVE and RESPECT. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions in life and I'm sure the two of them are judged all the time negatively. As their family member, I am here to support them WHEN THEY NEED IT. Family members making very important decisions flat out asked them to leave ASAP (J's OWN MOTHER supported her this way - so tragic). According to these people, they were "not entitled to mourn their grandmothers passing" - it wasn't what "they" wanted. They even told them it wasn't what Nanny wanted. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine how damaging that is to their core? Especially coming from your own mother? The person who is supposed to support you NO MATTER WHAT! Maybe I'm in the wrong here...making blanket statements like "Mothers are supposed to support their children NO MATTER WHAT". Or maybe I have to expand on support to illustrate my point properly...supporting doesn't mean agreeing with your childs decision. It means making sure your child knows you're ALWAYS there for them if they need LOVE and HELP. Love shouldn't, imo, be "assumed" just because you're the childs mother. Children, even 25 year olds, need to be reassured all the time of your love.

So we knew going into the situation that some drama had occurred. The Aunt-horrible-mother had told her daughter to get lost and the daughter was torn between that drama and watching her grandmother - who HAD in her own way showed support - die. My brother, who had found his own mother after she committed suicide, was thrown out of their house while he watched his dead mothers mom - who in her own way HAD supported him - die.

Bring in myself and my Auntie L to pick up the pieces. And you know what it took to make them feel better? NOT MUCH. A few hugs and kind words, some listening. The night my Nanny passed away, we took the abandoned with us to our Motel. That night, we all sat at the Motel bar together, toasting Nanny and talking about her memory. We finally smiled, we finally laughed and we slammed "those people" in our family who are so freakin' quick to judge and cast off. It was one of the best nights of my life. I felt like we were finally a FAMILY. When we came together as a family to remember Nanny, we weren't a "mom", "blind person", "whore" and "drug abuser", we were family who were bonded by a woman who we knew loved us all. What a great lesson.

The next day, we sent my cousin and brother packing. They were so fragile and hurt, we didn't want to subject them to anymore of the negativity "those people" would inflict on them. They had been through enough.

I had a pressing need to go over to the house where my Nanny lived. I needed to feel her presence, her alive self. I needed to feel connected to her somehow and thought going there would help. It did, at first, because no one else was there! They had gone out to the funeral home (to make arrangements for a NON FUNERAL - don't ask). We walked around the house musing over THINGS (later found out THOSE PEOPLE thought we were looking for things TO TAKE). I stood on a wooden platform in the basement and remembered dancing on it as a kid, it had been my "stage". THINGS were important to my Grandparents, typical of their generation I think. They horded the weirdest stuff! I didn't want any of it, I just wanted to spend some time with my Nanny, "in her brain". I wanted to feel connected to her for a little while, to feel her spirit.

After we did that, we walked down to her neighbours house. Her neighbour had lost her husband in May and we knew had grown closer to Nanny since his passing. We wanted to be there for her and in turn she gave me a wonderful gift, a part of my grandmother I didn't even know existed. This woman was my Nanny's BFF and she wanted to talk about it. She welcomed us into her home with genuine love and support - even as she herself mourned her best friend. She shared stories of a woman who had made a connection with another woman - something I believe all women need. My Nanny's BFF was sweet, had an open heart and was genuinely happy to see us. We connected instantly and it reaffirmed who my Nanny was to me.

Then THOSE people got back to the house. The tension over dinner was disgusting. I could barely eat my food. It was the total opposite of how I felt the night before in that little Motel bar or earlier at my Nanny's BFF's house. Everyone followed their stupid "rules" and tried to make polite chit chat. It didn't take long for the drama to start after dinner. My Auntie L is a very emotional person and she had a very special relationship with her mother. I don't think her sisters understood/liked this and have pretty much taken control over my g'pa (it's what Nanny wanted I'm sure they thought - because Nanny told them to "Take Care Of G'pa"). One of her sisters called her "heartless" when she was having a private one on one conversation with her own father and it sent Auntie L into a tailspin. I was called "delusional" when I was asked a question because my answer was more than the "yes" or "no" THEY required. These people wanted to control EVERYTHING and were hurtful to people who didn't follow "their rules". We just left.

So here's the confusing thing. Before my Nanny even died, we were told NOTHING was happening. That's what she wanted and we all had to respect that. She was going from the hospital to the crematorium to the plot. No ceremony, nothing. All of a sudden, the next day, we were supposed to all meet at the funeral home to go over to the crematorium for a little ceremony. I flat out said I wasn't going, I didn't understand why we were being told our presence was against all of her wishes and then the next day going to some ceremony she "never wanted". I changed my mind after all the drama at the house, I wanted to be there for my Auntie L.

Big mistake? In some ways...in ways that hurt me personally, hurt my Auntie L. In other ways, I was glad I went - got to see some of my Grandma's sisters! Super nice/open/friendly people! I got more support from these "strangers" than I did from my own "close family". We all gathered at the funeral home and drove over to the Creamatorium. My Grandfather insisted that all of his daughters drive with him - such a freakin' joke. People who accused my Aunt the day before of "trying to take Nanny's things" all of a sudden wanted to know specific questions about Nanny's things - in the funeral home! It was just a mess of stupidness.

When the Funeral guy said families deal with these situations differently and that we should all look around us and see the support we had to help us get through the process of losing someone - I literally lost it.

I don't know why, but I went "there". I went to my Mom's passing and how I was all alone (well, with Corey, but that's different). I went to the fact that I was told I "should" have a funeral for her. I went back to this "funeral" and all the phony "support" the three family members (slight exageration I know) gave me that day. I was a crying mess at my Nanny's cremation and her sister comforted me.

You know why she (Nanny's sister) didn't comfort me when my own Mother passed? She didn't even know. Nanny never told her that my Mom had committed suicide :(

It's time. It's time for me to face facts - I don't have the "family" I want. Move on, get over it, grieve the "loss". I have to, for my own sanity.

While The Boss Is Away....

2010-09-30T09:38:00.002-04:00

The boss is away this week - YIPEEEEEE! This means I get to watch a LOT of TV at work LOL. Don't get me wrong, I'm still doing my work, but I can have a TV show in the bottom corner at the same time. I'm a seasoned multi-tasker and I think I even work "better" when I have something going on in the background :) Wish I could tell that to my boss!

I felt the need to write today. This morning as I was walking down Bay Street I saw a lady drop a Tim Hortons bag beside a homeless girl. Seeing that random act of kindness really hit me hard. The homeless people of Toronto always tug at my heartstrings. Today, I cried.

You see, 90% of the time, homeless people remind me of my Mom. And I don't know why, but today I miss her SO MUCH. As I was writing this, I wanted to write "I don't know why", but I do. I have so much I want to say to her....it feels like it's building up more and more...and I don't know how to get it out. Everything in my life is SO DARN GOOD, I want her to feel that. When I see these homeless women, I see my mother. I think about the three years she went missing from my life and I see firsthand on a daily basis what that life must have been like. It doesn't seem real, possible, but it is my reality.

I've got these two amazing kids...my mom would have had two small kids with the same age difference. My love for them is undescribable - a Mother's love. My love for my Mother has grown so much because of my kids. I appreciate her so much more and I can't tell her that.

Instead I want to tell the homeless people.

Mental illness is a cruel cruel disease. It took my Mother from me. It plagues the streets of Toronto and I'm sure every other city. It took my brother from me.

Here comes the fear....the fear I feel looking at my children - wondering if this is going to be their fate.

I don't know why my mind has chosen today to go to "this place". Things are SO FREAKIN' GOOD! I'm the best Mom I know and I have the best kids I know. Everyday they learn and grow they're lifting me up, my spirits are so high.

Then I see those homeless people, and down they go.

I think I ultimately want to help someone, save someone....give someone the hope I couldn't give my Mother or Brother for that matter.

I have so much to give but am incapable of "giving" what I have to the people I love most. Through no fault of my own, but it hurts.

It hurts that my family can't see who/what I am. That they can't see past their own noses. That they don't "feel" the way I do.

I can't let it bring me down though...I can't. It's not my fault that I was born into this family. You know what it feels like though? From my own perspective?

I feel like the white sheep in a family of black sheep. For so much of my life, all I knew was family and my own circle of friends. I lived in that bubble that we all live in growing up, unaware of the big world out there.

At least I got out of that bubble right?

Being me is tough, but I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

Ah, feels good to get that out. I'm glad I have this time to write and get it out.

My Little Bean Is Going To School!

2010-09-15T10:50:00.003-04:00

Wow. I haven't updated this thing in almost a YEAR! Incredible. It has been an "epic" (I think this is what the kids are saying these days) year!

Picking up where we left off, my Grandma did pass away a few short days after I my last post. It was sad and VERY dramatic. I remember how emotional I felt afterwards - don't feel that way now! I have an f-ed up family, I've pretty much chalked the whole bunch of them up minus a select few. I think this is "normal" amongst families - I can't be expected to get along with EVERYONE now can I? I mean we're all different....the only common denominator is "family" - big deal lol.

The day my Gma passed away, I slipped up and my brother found out I was talking to an old friend of mine. A friend he had explicitly FORBADE me to communicate with (you know, the whole choose her or choose me deal). You think people would know by now, especially my own brother, you can't FORBID me to do something! OK yes, it is a bit more complicated than that...you see...this friend, is the mother of his CHILD. I know...STUNNER! I have a niece! So the story goes, my bro becomes friends with this lady then I become friends with the same lady. We were like sisters honestly. Then Bro and I have a HUGE fight and she stands up for him so I declare she's NOT my friend anymore (hey, I was like 22 at the time, that's what I did lol). Off they go and I don't talk to my brother for 3 or 4 years. Last year, I find this lady is on Facebook and I contact her apologizing for tossing our friendship into the wind. She's happy, I'm happy, we're friends again. Then the bombshell, you know that pretty little girl in the pictures with her? That's MY niece, my brother is the father. He decided he couldn't be a father (fear) and took off. He hasn't seen or talked to either of them since my niece was born. I tell my brother I know and he FORBIDS me from seeing/contacting her ever again.

Psh. I have a niece and I'm suposed to just forget it? I'm suposed to ignore a friend who was nothing but amazing the entire time I've known her? So of course, I talked and then MET them "in secret". Have I mentioned my family? Have I mentioned how dysfunctional they are? Have I mentioned I feel like I have NO FAMILY in the sense that I see family? So here are two WONDERFUL people....a real cousin for my girls....screw him!

So he found out. I am no longer his sister :) How could I do that to him? And I say "whatever". I'm pretty sure my brother has a mental illness along the same spectrum as my mother. His thought process is jumbled and makes no sense. He lives in a bubble and it's the world against him. To put it simply, and I'm not being mean just working through my thoughts, my brother has less value in my life than this new friend/niece relationship. Until he gets himself some help, he can't be part of this "normalcy" I've created.

And I've got an amazing awesome cute smart beautiful niece! I've gotten to spend a lot of time with her and her mother this year and I can honestly say they are FAMILY. Good, loving, affectionate FAMILY. The kind I've always wanted :)

What else. Started this new job off with a bunch of drama. My gma passed away 5 days after I started. Then I pulled a ligament in my ankle and couldn't walk. Then Corey's Gma passed away almost 3 months to the day after my own (going to her funeral and seeing a family celebrate the life of someone they loved was healing for me though after what I went through with my own grandma's passing). So it was a rocky start here in the big city but now I love it! The walking motivated me to get serious about my health and I'm down 30lbs already :) I have so much energy and life in me now...I really needed to get out of that old job!

The summer was EPIC in terms of weather. I spent many a night floating in our pool looking up at the stars. I reminded myself to just be in the moment and I imagine these moments will be reflected upon quite a bit this upcoming winter :)

The kids are amazing. I am the luckiest Mom I know. Samantha is 4 going on 14. The kid is WICKED smart. She's in the process of starting Kindergarten (the big first day on the bus is this upcoming Friday). We've decided to send her to all French school for the added challenge and the benefits the school will give her. The bonus is it's an all day program so we save a bit of money on daycare :) She went into the program knowing her ABC's in French, could count to 10 in French, sang about 15 French songs and knows how to sing Canada's National Anthem in French :) I did my best to prepare her but know I could have done more. Still, she's WICKED smart! She's gotten a lot braver with people and physically as well. She takes a few more "risks" and is getting better when she falls (drama queen!). She's learning to ride a big girl bike and everything :)

The physical changes in Sam definately come from her sister. Ah Mackenna...my baby. No longer a baby I must say :( My baby can TALK! Holy can she talk...she communicates in full sentances and her pronunciation is getting almost perfect! Mackenna is TOUGH, she's even built tough. She's big for her age and stalky. She's a tank, she will fall and get right up with an "I'm OK!" and a big smile. She's the same weight as Sam and only one shoe size behind. I've been buying clothes for Sam in the same size as Mack! Mack is also different from Sam in that she's STUBBORN. She has exerted her independence for a while now and wants to do everything herself. And if I want her to do something and she doesn't want to, I have to physically force her to do it! If I give her a warning about "danger", she has to test the warning as much as she can - just to see for herself. Fun fun! Sam always took my warnings to heart and is a good rule follower!

Both girls are super creative and love to play "pretend", 90% of the time "Baby" or "School". Sam sings off key...I'm seeing a bit of rythym in her movements. Mack is my singer and dancer...she naturally moves when she hears music. They get along amazingly - they're super loving and gentle with eachother. The fighting has begun but so far they're able to sort it out all on their own. I have amazing kids.

Things with Corey and I are up and down as always. We're currently attending counselling sessions to work on our communication. We're pretty good about most things but we need some work on him listening to me ;) There is also a huge issue with alcohol (I can just picture my family saying "DUH" if they heard me say that) that we're working through. Aparently the up and downs in a relationship are normal - I really had no clue! Always learning :)

So that's it. 2010 in a nutshell. Epic year with a few months to go - nothing but excitement on the horizon.

Life. Is. Good.

I Really Did It!

2009-10-16T11:14:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here writing this from my new office right in the heart of Downtown Toronto! I actually did it! I got a new job!

I applied for something like 22 internal jobs, got interviewed for three and got a good offer for a Release Specialist position here in the Big City. I'm in the middle of day four, so things are Fresh and a little boring still, but I feel mentally and physically FANTASTIC. Life at my previous job had gotten very frustrating and was not motivating me at all. I would sleep in until the kids woke up on their own, take my time getting in, spend half the day surfing the net (Twitter addict!) and the other half attending BS meetings where I'd sit there mentally banging my head against the wall. I was getting in late and leaving early every day and no one seemed to care a bit! I accidentally sent my manager an e-mail with some details about an Interview I had been on and she had a meeting with me to try and convince me to stay. I got the same old song and dance about how things were "looking up" and "going to change", but it never did. It was time to move on.

I'm really happy I found something Internal. I get to keep my years of service, 4 weeks vacation etc. It was really nice the way I left my old position as well. I spent the typical two weeks there, mentally checking out and preparing for the new job. I got to say good-bye to people I had worked with for 10 years instead of getting walked out by security in one fell swoop (what typically happens when you announce you're leaving for the competition - and that happened to every single other person on my team who left). They had a nice Indian Buffet lunch for me and gave me some really nice flowers.

Some people in my life thought I was nuts, why would I leave a job where I was VERY secure yet could basically do whatever I wanted! The commute was nothing, I just lived "up the street" (I did too, but it was a LONG street lol).

But it made sense. I was bored, frustrated every day, growing fatter by the day due to lack of routine/motivation and not feeling any self worth.

Fast forward to today, day four. I am LOVING the commute! OMG it's heaven, I walk over to the GO Train (yay for living so darn close!) and sit in comfort with my Ipod and read a book. I have always loved reading but the last few years....impossible (I can't even pee in private anymore!). Once we arrive downtown I have to haul ass to get up the street to my office. I swear the first two days I thought I was going to die of a heart attack! What a rush though, I feel great after my heart settles back down lol. My legs were in PAIN, calves and thighs, but it's getting better. I feel stronger and mentally more alert already. I also feel important and like a real worker! I have to hustle back down to the train at 5pm to catch the 5:15 train - another heart attack marathon - but I know it'll get easier and easier and hopefully I'll see some real results (weight loss please!) from the consistent physical activity. Corey picks the kids up in the evening now which is also nice. I get home and they rush the door to see me. All three days Corey has had a good handle on supper by the time I get home too - BONUS!

The job itself seems very complicated lol. I was a developer before and now I'm in more of a coordination role. I'm a "Release Specialist" which means I coordinate infrastructure releases making sure they're planned accordingly, sign offs are obtained and implemented as planned for. There is a lot of learning since I was more on the software side of things and don't know all the Infrastructure terminology etc. There hasn't been much for me to actually do yet, just learn about, but that's a good thing since I have so many adjustments to make all around. It'll be nice to be busy though!

The people here are amazing, very welcoming and encouraging. I've run into a few people that worked at my old office and even one who worked with me in my first position with the bank TEN YEARS AGO! That was awesome, a blast from the past. I've been bringing my lunch in every day so far, avoiding the temptations of Downtown. I did decide to go over to the Eaton Centre for lunch today though, I deserve it every once in a while!

Home life is wonderful. Mackenna is a full fledged PERSON now. She walks AND talks - I've got another advanced talker on my hands! She's so different from her sister though, especially physically. She's a solid girl and moves her body with a confidence that we didn't see in Samantha until much further along (like a year + - seriously). She can fall and pick herself right back up with no crying - yay! She's the happiest kid ever and why wouldn't she be? She has her sister!

That's been fascinating to watch - the sister bond forming. Samantha is an incredible big sister, loving, understanding and gentle. They can always count on each other to be there, you really see how strong that bond is when you separate them (and Sam says she really misses her sister). They're both doing amazing at the Daycare (I get glowing progress reports - they love my kids!) and I'm so happy with the people we chose. They've become a part of the girls family.

Corey and I are still strong - for all intents and purposes - but internally I have been struggling with some issues I have with the relationship. I've been thinking of possibly returning to therapy to discuss some of my feelings because I really don't know. That's really how I sum it up, I don't know. Thanks to my upbringing, I don't know if I ever will. I'm just trying to avoid the explosion that would result in me discussing my issues with Corey at this point because I'm not sure. It's all on the back burner for now however - there is just too much going on at once.

Funny how I've wanted to get all this out before addressing one of the biggest things going on in my life - my Nanny is dying. Last week I got news that she had entered the hospital because of mysterious back pain. The very next day new news - Nanny has bone cancer stemming from stage 4 lung cancer. There is nothing they can do but make her comfortable in her final days. When I initially got the call I cried, but I haven't cried since. It's like OK, that's life. This is the end of her story. But then, I want to call her and can't. I try to ask myself why - because I really want to call her - but I just haven't/can't? I really want to see her before she passes as well, but I'm not jumping in my car either. What's up with that self?

I have very clear memories of my grandparents from very early on. It's sad to me because when I was a kid, we were like a typical family. We'd get together at Christmas, visit them often, take alone trips without my mom to their cottage. Then things got complicated and the family fell apart. Sisters (my mom and my aunts) started fighting and everyone went their separate way. I still saw my Grandparents on my own or with my mom for a while, but it was never the same. Even the way they talked...it was with bitterness for how their family dissolved. I still enjoyed the time with them, shopping, playing cards, eating and watching TV, but it was a different relationship emotionally. There was no LOVE, the way I myself define love. Naturally, as I grew up into the person I am today, I also grew distant from them. The last few years, since my mom died really, I have accepted things for what they are. In fact, I even tell them every time I talk to them that I love them (Nanny 80% of the time responds that she loves me too, Grandpa- never). It's who I am now.

So I cried when I heard the news because I really love my Nanny. A lot. And I thought about my mom, how would she have dealt with this? How would she have been involved? I heard they may have known she's had lung cancer for 8 months and didn't tell anyone (a story I've heard from a lot of friends with people of that generation who pass). I've heard Nanny's sisters didn't even know my mom was dead. So part of me is confused....how do I love someone I don't even really know - and how does that work?

I'm going to call her today - I really am - because my Aunt told me I should if I intend on talking to a semi-lucid person. I'm also going ahead with the original plan, stopping in and seeing her after our trip to New Brunswick next week. I hope she's still alive by then....but I'm willing to take that risk right now.

I may WANT a drama free life, but I'm also learning that's just not possible. Up and down, round and round.

Sarah and Corey + 2

2009-07-21T11:35:00.002-04:00

Woah! Time! What the heck are you doing to me? I'm back at work! How nuts is that?

So yea, I have a 13 month old and a 3 year old now! Time sure flies! My year off....how do I capture this....going to have to go at it point form, there's a lot.

Had baby, adjusted, sucky summer both weather and adjustment wise.
Sam breaks leg on Thanksgiving Monday. Holy boring! She couldn't walk and so I had two babies in diapers not walking. Longest 7 weeks EVER.
Christmas was wonderful! Grandma and Pop pop came over for a few days and it felt like a vacation. Sam was amazing!
Winter Blues :( I had a case of them let me tell you. The snow was NOT fun. Getting around with a 2 year old and newborn is tough enough...throw in snow?
Made some BFF's. Kim and Kathy have become two of my closest friends! Kim and I reconnected over my pool last summer and kept the playdates weekly! Towards the end it became 2-3 times a week. Her kids, Claire and Addison are perfect for my kids, age wise lol. Kathy and I bonded over our love of drama and gossip lol. It has since evolved into a deep friendship and I don't know what I'd do without her.
Many ups and downs between Corey and I. A very major incident that could have destroyed us but has instead made us stronger. I have never felt as secure in my life.
A two week trip to NJ that start and began with a 14 hour train ride. It was a roller coaster the whole trip but I managed to do some growing up and learning. Learned to never take a 1 and 3 year old on the train alone again!
Spend quality time with my kids. We went to Move and Groove, playdates, park trips, shopping, walking around Brampton, concerts in the park, Gage, Chincousay. It was great having the time to watch them grow, especially Sam who has become her own little person - and a great one at that!
Started playing poker - in real life! I play weekly for free, well you can win pub gift certificates and one trip to vegas per year. It's "my night" to get out every week and be a person on my own. I love the game and the people who play are all awesome.
House wise we're still doing improvements. New pool liner, new pool stones, new backyard landscaping and a nice new deck. Corey did all of it by himself with the cheapest materials he could find (and for Corey that means good quality stuff at a bargain - craigslist, friends, habitat for humanity restore).
Got a new cat, Winnie. Corey brought her home at 8 weeks on Dec 31, 2008. Freckles never did make it over to our house.
Got to spend quality time with brothers. Both came down last summer and then Dan was down again this March. He's now living on his own in a group home. I went to visit them on Dan's b-day all alone. It was a great bonding weekend.

So now life is back to "normal" and I'm working 5 days a week. I found a nice private home "Daycare" for the girls. The people running it (husband and wife) speak French and have all 4 of their kids in French school, bonus! The kids are still adjusting but it's getting better. It's nice to see them miss me and feel like they'd be better with me :)

I have to say though, it is very nice to be back at work, if only to be an adult for 8 hours a day lol. This is so much easier than being home 24/7! I just don't have it in me. I'm getting better at keeping the house "clean" and "organized", but my heart has never been into it. It just has to be done!

The work itself here at work is crap. I'm not getting clear training/direction and am dealing with the same crap that was going on before I left. I don't know what they accomplished while I was gone! I think I need a change and so I've been applying internally ever since I got back. I've been in this position for 10 years....it's about time I changed things up a bit!

I'm continuing to learn about myself and implement change. Sometimes it works, other times it backfires. I'm opening up and being honest with people and it seems to help during those times when it's backfiring. It's also "chased" a few people off, but that's to be expected. I'm being BRUTALLY honest, no more drama!

I feel like I have a good handle on things and an over all balanced life :) It's a good time for me!

Giving Myself A Break

2008-08-30T11:01:00.002-04:00

You know, I'm trying to figure it out, this guilt thing. Where did I get it? From my mother? My family? Me genes? The Catholic upbringing?

I sit there sometimes and fester in this cloud of guilt. I didn't call someone when bla bla bla happened. I'm not "doing my best" to nurture this friendship or this family relationship etc.

Well you know what? I'm not. And I have so many good reasons, for my own life, why I'm not. So you know what? Goodbye guilt. Go BLEEP yourself!

It's time to give ME a break. Yes, I'm compassionate and tolerant of other people and often feel a responsibility to "be the bigger person" and do more, but I never look at my own obstacles and do the same for myself.

It's been three years since hurricane Katrina and the headlines made me ask myself what's been going on in my life over the last three years. My list is quite the doozy.

I got prenant. We moved in with my in-laws. My mother committed suicide. I repaired my relationship with my brother. We bought an investment property in New Brunswick. I had a baby. We had a misscarriage. I got pregnant again. We bought a house in Brampton. We renovated a house in Brampton. We moved out of the in laws (after OVER TWO YEARS thankyouverymuch). I remained deathly sick for 70% of the pregnancy. I had another baby.

And here we are. It feels like the "light and the end of the tunnel". I'm so happy, I'm bursting. Mack is 12 weeks old and an incredible baby (nursing moms know what the 12 week mark means!) We've adjusted to the added responsibility of a baby as best we can. Sam is incredibly smart and so much fun that the two-year-old antics are mild. They are present though! So as an added bonus in my life I have Grandma and Pop pop. I can take my kids over to their house WHENEVER I WANT. Heck, they would love it if they could see the kids every day! I trust them, and because we lived with them for the first 18 months of Sam's life, she has no problem whatsoever going to their house. In fact, she asks to go and looks forward to it for days. Corey and I can do whatever we want. We can be alone whever we want, go visit people, be HOME ALONE. In fact right now, Sam is at Grandma's for TWO DAYS. Hence the blogging. I'm cleaning my house SLOWLY, spending time with my husband and baby, might go for a swim sans 2 year old. I've been wanting to get some of these thoughts down for a while too, so might as well take advantage of the time :)

Right, so I'm happy. And that guilt thing? I think I've got it figured out. I'm going to be more open about my feelings. What a lot of it boils down to for me is I'm giving myself a break. I've had a crazy/rough/life changing three years. It's time I let people be tolerant and considerate of my situation. I can't do that unless they know about my situation. It's all about sharing, opening up. And who knows, that may help someone else too.

Happyness is infectious.

I feel so full of life right now! I'm getting out into the community and making friends. I'm going out on dinner/movie nights with other moms. I'm more active as I walk around the city. We're eating fresh and healthy foods from the farmers market down the street, and now from our own garden too! My kids are beautiful, happy, smart....

I deserve this.

Birth Story - FINALLY!!

2008-08-29T15:00:00.002-04:00

Well, she's 12 weeks old and I'm just now getting to her birth story. How sad is that? Unavoidable though let me tell you. Two little ones is BUSY.

So June 2nd I go in for my OB appointment, overdue. The doctor says she's going to be on call the next day and she would like me to come in for 7:30am to be induced. I did NOT want to be induced and wanted to wait longer but she insisted and said if I wanted to I could wait until the following day. Gee, thanks, one day. I was sooooooooooo dissheartened. I seriously did not want to be induced. I desperately wanted to have a natural contraction! Spent the day talking with hubby, cousin and MIL about what I should do. They all thought I should follow the "experts advice" and get induced. I agreed and plans were made for me to go in the following morning (MIL and hubby told their offices they wouldn't be in etc.)

I spent the day sad but accepting. Walked a lot, tried to get things going. We ordered a big pizza with lots of toppings for dinner. I decided to have some despite the heartburn I knew it would bring. At 10pm I figured I'd better go to bed and watch "The Mole" season premier and try to get some rest for the next day.

I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I decided to give it one last try and began to stimulate my nipples. Well wouldn't you know it....A CONTRACTION!!!! Then 10 minutes later, another! Then another! OMG! I was soooooooooooo freakin excited. They didn't feel as bad as I thought they would and I was managing fine. I told hubby to get some sleep and tried sleeping in between contractions. I wasn't even timing them or anything, just knew I had a long ways to go. At about 2am I lost my mucus plug and asked hubby if we should go in. He was dead asleep and told me to get some sleep for the morning! At 3am I took a shower :P I don't know why, I just remembered hearing people say they had a shower so I thought it would be a good idea. The contractions were regular but manageable so I kept sleeping on and off as best as I could figuring we'd go in for 7:30am as planned and see how far along I had progressed.

At 6am I started getting people up, delegating everything because the contractions were coming faster and harder. I stood outside under our big tree in the front of the house labouring through my contractions in the rain. It was beautiful and peaceful, a moment in time I will NEVER forget.

We headed over to the hospital dropping Sam off at Grandmas along the way. Grandma was confused when I said I couldn't get out of the car, she just assumed I was going in for the induction and had no idea I was in labour.

Got to the hospital for 7:30am like we planned. I told them I was scheduled for an induction but had gone into labour the night before. They were unconcerned and hooked me up to a monitor. The nurse said the contractions didn't look strong and that the doctor would be in around 8am to check my progress. My heart sunk, all that work for nothing? I prayed for at least 4 cms dialated!

8am the doctor checked and holy crap, 6cms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She broke my water and the big time contractions started coming faster and faster. I was asked if I wanted an epidural and I told them I needed to think about it. It was all very overwhelming.

At about quarter to nine the doctor said she had to go upstairs for a surgery and asked how I was feeling. I told her i was doing ok but that I felt like I needed to poo. She said she had better check me "just incase" and wouldn't you know it, I was FULLY DIALATED! No time for drugs, this was happening. I remember saying "What? Now? But I'm not ready yet! This is happening too fast!"

Pushing was exciting and painful at the same time. Can't complain too much since two pushes later, at 9:13am, Mackenna Victoria entered the world, perfect in every day. I had no tearing at all. It was THE most incredible thing ever.

And the good fortune has continued! I thought Sam was a great baby, easy etc. Ha! Mack is happy, quiet, easy, growing like a weed. Sam was always at the bottom end of growth charts, not this one! Breastfeeding is so much easier and more relaxed. She's got a great temperment. The first 12 weeks of nursing were tough, but it's getting easier and easier every week.

I have so much to write about and so little time. I hope I get more soon!

Introvert

2008-05-29T12:13:00.002-04:00

I am definately an introvert. I recharge my batteries by being alone. I still haven't thought enough to figure out why I'm an introvert, if that's even possible (maybe you just "are"). Even in crowds, I'm usually the one who's observing, listening, disecting people. I have a tough time opening up in large settings. I much prefer the one on one, or small group (3-4 people). Maybe it's because then I don't feel pressure to "move on" to someone else. I don't feel the need to make talk happen, but quickly, because you have to socialize! In smaller groups, one person talks and everyone listens. They're not keeping a look out over your shoulder for someone, or feeling like they have to go rescue their partner, visit with the host etc.

Being an introvert, a sheltered childhood, I have had to work hard at opening up to people. Wait, that's not true, I did have to work harder at opening up to people. But you know what? It became easier and easier. And I became happier and happier.

I'm going to nurture my extrovert though. Like why am I going on about this right now when all anyone wants to know is "did you have the baby" lol. Ahhhhhh, I have just recharged my batteries :) Sam went with Grandma and Poppop last night. I got to leave work, drive straight home and had the house to myself for over 2 hours. I organized paperwork, started some laundry and logged onto the net. It was sooooooooooooooooooo nice. When Corey walked in I was organizing Mackenna's clothes and packing my hospital bag. Can I just say that packing those tiny little clothes in my bag REALLY got me excited. I chatted with my awesome new neighbours (we have incredible neighbours, on all sides, our house is like a dream house for us I'm NOT kidding) and they gave me CAKE (these particular ones are two sisters, their mom and one of the sisters son - 8). It's so nice to have a group of women next door, I mean cake? For a pregnant lady? I LOVE it! Cleaned out the car, sigh of relief, it was really nasty. Then Corey and I hung out arguing :P Last night it was over meat, then dinosaurs, then species and whether or not we are animals...gotta love us :)

And of course this morning I slept in until 10am. OK I was up at 4:30, 5:30, 8, 9 and finally 10, but I slept in! lol Had a nice long shower (usually the kid is in my bed watching TV), used some nice smelling creams, watched Maury (paternity tests, gotta love them). I stopped for lunch on my way into the office and they gave me a HUGE salad (instead of side small) and TONS of pickles, "for the baby". Better enjoy it while I can eh???

Then to top it off, got the report on Sams night from Grandma. Sam helped make supper, ate like a champ, played in the backyard a bit, went to the park with her "boyfriend" Ryan (walked there and back! laughing and smiling!), had a bath and went right to sleep :) Grandma was so happy, told me Sam smiled in her sleep as she was drifting off and said "I love you Grammy".

How lucky am I to have that? I know my kid is safe, loved, loves being there...and look at all I get! Even tonight, Grandma is picking Sam up and driving her over to the house. I'm making supper for everyone :) It's suposed to be a gorgeous summer like day.

Mackenna, you're a lucky little girl. I don't know why you don't want to come out and join us, but we're sure looking forward to it and hope you join us soon. 40W + 1D

Cozy Uterus

2008-05-27T12:37:00.002-04:00

I was really hoping that stupid 7 thing meant May 27th. I tried, I really tried. I walked. I ate pineapple. I ate spicy ribs! Yea, all I did was give myself the runs and make myself puke, in the middle of the night. I sure didn't make any progress happen! In fact, who knew this possible, the baby is HIGHER than she was last week. FRIG.

I was NOT a happy camper yesterday. It was like 30C and VERY humid. Not good for a super pregnant lady let me tell you. I quickly decided to take Sam out for dinner. I was in no mood to cook in that heat. Tured out to be a great decision. We had such a nice dinner. I'm really lucky, I have a great kid. I didn't need to bring anything to distract her. First she read me the menu (she told me what she saw in pictures, "Pizza!" "Nuggets!" "Salad!" "Noodles!"). Then she coloured a picture (and I got the blue crayon, "Mommy's favourite colour" - she's learning!). We then drew her hands (a facinating thing to do did ya know?). When supper arrived we shared everything. She loved how I spun my angel hair pasta with the spoon and I had to spin her a couple of mouthfuls, so cute. Dessert was three little ice cream cones and we shared :) Throw in the fact that it was kids eat free and well, you can see my delight! She's great too because she loves to people watch. Just like her Mom and Dad, so I got plenty of time to sit back, eat and relax. Heck we outlasted a table of 10! Me and my 22 month old! She made sure to take her greasy placemat with her drawn hands home for Daddy :) She asked where he was a few times and wanted me to know she would have liked "Mommy AND Daddy". It goes like this, "Where's Daddy Mommy?" "Daddy is at work sweetheart" "Mommy, I want Mommy AND Daddy". She was also very concerned with where "Kenna" would be sitting when she joined us the next time. I picked her a flower on the way out and we both went home happy as clams :)

I got emotional afterwards, when telling Corey all about it. This was probably our last dinner out just the two of us for a VERY long time. I didn't really see it that way until later that night...and then it hit me, everything is changing. Just when things are so perfect. I have no doubt it'll be even more perfect, but what if it isn't?

Ah life.

The Number Seven?

2008-05-21T11:05:00.002-04:00

I'm SEVEN days away from my due date.

I have SEVEN days left at work.

My prediction, June 7th.

That would suck, because my cousin is here the 1st to the 6th. I hope I'm wrong!

Life is good. Getting things done, feeling relaxed, happy. When I look back at this pregnancy I won't have much good to relfect upon, but at least I have SOMETHING. I enjoy eating again, and that is a GOOD thing. It's an important thing for me.

The challenge is keeping the weight off after the baby comes. I totally see myself pigging out on garbage all summer. That's what I did last time! After you have a baby, for the first week or so you never feel full. I remember eating and eating and never feeling full! Probably because your body is all unsquished so your tummy is happy to have extra room. I dunno. I'd really like to stay healthy though, maybe even get down to my PP Sam weight. I have a pool, plenty of cool places to walk too...I just need to stay motivated and eat healthy!

All my work is transitioned so I sit here all day trying to "look busy". I've been surfing the net, reading my pregnancy sites and catching up on missed TV shows. If they need me I'm here and have been answering questions but I could go anyday, so I have no deliverables. It's a nice break :)

I don't have the energy to write after all lol. I'm off to read instead!

My Second Mother's Day

2008-05-13T10:06:00.002-04:00

Mothers Day II was great. Daddy and Sam went to the local nursery and picked up a bunch of flowers (in plant form) for "my garden". They did the same for Grandma. They went to her house first to plant and then came to ours. I got to clean (can you believe that's what I ended up doing?) surf the net in peace (usually I've got a 22 month old screaming "Yo Gabba Gabba Mommy!") and have a nap. Sam and Dad got home in the middle of my nap, but they let me sleep and took a nap of their own. After about an hour Sam came into our room and I thought we were done for, but she crawled into bed and cuddled with me. Waking up yet another hour later with her little arm around my chest and her little leg on top of my huge belly was heart warming. Those are the moments.

We all went outside to plant the flowers. They made me two gorgeous hanging baskets and planted flowers all over the side and back yards. I tried to help, but what could I do? I can't bend, can't shovel and the dirt smelled like poo. In fact, I aparently know nothing about flowers/gardens because even the places I chose to plant my flowers were "wrong". Corey had to show me how to read labels for sun requirements, explain that tall flowers go in the back...I was so clueless. I did get to play with the camera though. I'll have to upload some shots to the blog.

It may seem like an odd gift for me since I know nothing about flowers, but it was perfect. Now we'll have some colour in our backyard and I can proclaim it all MINE. My kid and husband can take care of them for me and feel accomplished and proud. I can teach (and learn!) Sam about the different flowers, gives us something to do over the summer...I hope it does continue to be a Mother's Day tradition. I don't need "things". Heck I never even wear the jewlery I have now, why add to the dusty collection?

The ONLY thing I do want in the future is breakfast in bed. Corey always forgets breakfast because he doesn't eat it. Well I do. I was raised a Quebecer Dammit! Breakfast is the best meal of the day! Some fried eggs, bacon, potatoes and toast please! I haven't had a good breakfast in...omg...months. I need me some breakfast!

Saying Goodbye

2008-05-02T10:36:00.004-04:00

RIP Saphire Long, 1995 - May 2008

We had to put Saphire down last night. It was time. Her weight had drastically gone down (and I mean from obviously obese to skin and bones), she wasn't eating, she was losing control of her bladder and was peeing blood. I couldn't take it anymore, she was suffering too much. It finally hit Corey too.

I went into the room with her. It was a peaceful experience. They put a blanket down for her on the floor and we had her lie down. There were three of us, me the doctor and the tech, all females, comforting our big doberman. They told me I could hold her head and I whispered how she was going to be alright, she wouldn't suffer anymore and that we all loved her into her ear as she peacefully fell asleep. I shed a few tears but felt an enormous weight lifted off my heart. This was what saying Goodbye was all about. I haven't had many chances to say good bye to those I've lost. The one time I've put an animal down, my cat, it was over from the onset of problems to death in I swear, 45 minutes. He had a bloot clot. Then my mom... I feel like I've learned from this experience, learned that saying good bye is not something to avoid. It helped me feel the peace I feel today. Looking back I can see times where I avoided someone's illness because I didn't know how to face a possible good bye. I didn't attend funerals because I couldn't face saying good bye. I'm going to take this experience and grow from it. Thank you Saphire, for this final gift.

She wasn't "my" dog, but she was our dog for the past 4 years. We started out great Saphire and I, best friends, sleeping in together (on our bed!), chilling out. I could tolerate her "quirks" (ok, to be honest, I had serious issues with how Corey raised her, but that's just me) and give into her many needs, like a mom I guess. The the real baby came, and things changed. I no longer had the time for her, she couldn't sleep on the bed anymore because of the baby. Her needs became a pain for me, I had baby needs to tend to. Saphire never had puppies and she's a dog, I'm sure she didn't understand why I was changing.

She got sick when I got sick. So here I was, morning sickness, a one year old and a sick dog. Yes Corey was there, but he's not a nurturer. Not like me. He could ignore her cries when she wanted in and out of the house a million times a day. I couldn't. She tired me. And then in the end, she saddened me. It wasn't fair to her, and there wasn't anything I could do. I had to let him do it his way. It was his dog.

So the next time should be better right? I will have equal say. I'm not ready now though. Dogs are cute and all, but they're a LOT of work. First there is puppyhood. You have to approach that as a mom and apply the golden principals of "routine, consistency and love". This means walks in the subzero weather NO MATTER WHAT, feeding routines etc. Then you have an adult dog with a good routine. I don't have the time for this in the distant future, let alone the near future. We need a few years off I think, wait until the kids are 7-9 so they can learn and help with the experience. With the proper approach, I can see how owning a pet is an important life lesson. Right down to the saying goodbye (because lets face it, if you have a pet it's going to happen).

And so we move on. I will be getting my cat back, Freckles. Freckles has been my cat for 12 years, his entire life. He's the best cat in the world, affectionate, great with Samantha, low maintenance, fat and furry. He's been living with the in-laws for about 3 years now. We were there living with him for two of them, but because of the dog we didn't get to see much of him. Saphire hated cats and I swear, she would have killed him (she killed skunks and he IS black and white).

Of course I can't post an entry on this day, May 2nd, without reflecting on my baby brother. It's his birthday...his SIXTEENTH birthday. I can't even put my head around that one. I saw him being born....time. Happy Birthday Naner.

Why Mommy?

2008-04-30T10:10:00.002-04:00

Ok, hold the phone, isn't the whole "Why" stuff suposed to happen MUCH later? Sam is 21 1/2 months and has started with the Why? WHY? The good thing, for now she seems to be satisfied when you answer the original question. SOMETIMES she'll ask why again.

I don't think there are any kids in that "why age" at the babysitters...

We had some friends over this weekend with their kids, about 2 1/2 - 3 years old....is that closer to the "why age"?

We have DEFINATELY entered the "terrible two's". Tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, arguements, fake crying. She's so funny though...imagine this, Samantha is freaking out because I won't give her my cell phone in the car (there was a "why Mommy" thrown in before the meltdown). After 30 seconds of ignoring her, the cries are getting phonier (she's literally going "waaaa, waaaa, waaaa, I'm crying! waaaa, waaaa, waaa) so I say "Samantha, stop faking". She replies with "I'm not! Waaaaa waaa waaa". So I call her a faker, and this is what she says "I'm NOT faker, I'm SAMANTHA".

If you don't crack up laughing in these situations, something is wrong with you.

But yea, the terrible two's are challenging. She pushes every limit she can. Still loves to tease too!

I haven't puked in over two weeks now *knock on wood* and feel like a normal human being. Well a normal 8 months pregnant human being. I crave foods and eat more now. I'd probably eat MORE if I had the room in there eh? The baby is still very active and kicks me in wierd spots that cause wierd pains. Totally different from Sam's pregnancy. Everyone thinks this is going to be the "handfull" child...uh oh.

Pictures

2008-04-22T12:38:00.001-04:00

Me this weekend (ready to go out):

Sam

Adult Time

2008-04-21T11:11:00.002-04:00

Saturday night Grandma had the kid. Corey and I had a 30th birthday party to go to at a bar. It was nice being out and socializing with other people but man oh man...I have a problem.

All I could talk about was pregnancy and my kid.

What happened to me?

The other girls at the table were all younger, the oldest was 26 I think. Two had kids, two didn't. One 23 year old with a 3 year old daughter and one 25 year old with a 5 year old son. Neither one of them wants another kid and looked at me like I had two heads when I told them I was desperate to deliver naturally.

I'm old. I'm an old maid.

No but seriously, it was fun. The guys were all nice, made some jokes (one guy called me FAT though, child), especially when I ordered food. Everyone was trying as hard as they could (including the two girls with kids) to get as drunk as possible. The bar was crowded, mostly men because the UFC fight was on. I felt rather rediculous navigating through the place to get to the washroom, man I've gotten HUGE since I've started eating again (still no puking! knock on wood!). I did watch the main fight though, the winner was a guy from Montreal who looked damn fine in his tight shorts. There was a big brawl outside the bar afterwards. Not surprised, give kids booze and ultimate fighting and well you've got a recipe for disaster. The 5 cop cruisers that showed up were nice, no one was arrested. Two girls were involved in the fight, I was shocked. They were right in the middle getting thrown to the ground etc. Even when I was young...I would NEVER. Tough cookies those two (and quite drunk). Oh and the wife of the guy who was turning 30 got him a birthday cake in the shape of two boobs, nipples included. She IS 23...I dunno.

I'm old.

Yesterday we were kidless all day and what did we do? Cleaned. It was so nice to clean in peace lol.

I think I'm nesting though, because it didn't take much to get me started. That's been the hard part lately, getting going.

Normal Pregnant

2008-04-18T09:21:00.002-04:00

OK....I don't want to jinx myself here...but it's been SIX DAYS since I last threw up. AND, I am eating like a champ. *knock on wood* I'm avoiding all the heartburn foods, don't want to chance it, but I've GOT to be gaining weight (Brownie Iced Cappuccino's, good thing I have to limit caffine!). I gained back 3 of the 5 I lost when I was sick, so DR is happier, but warned me to keep gaining at the last appointment.

I played poker at work last night. Came in 7th (out of 24). Not too shabby! I made it to the final table! It was a lot of fun too, got in some good pregnancy jokes. Someone asked where the doughnuts where and I got mad at him for even mentioning that word. This morning the guy sent me a coupon for some free Krispy Kremes lol.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Mostly wondering what it was like for her, with me, at this age. I mean she would have had me and been pregnant with my brother, almost exactly as far along as I am (my bro and I are 23 months apart). Sam is at such an amazing age now too. I love every minute I spend with her, we have so much fun, so much laughter. I love making up silly songs about the things she loves. Her favourite:

(To the tune of Frere Jacques)
My Blanket, My Blanket
Give it a smell, Give it a smell
I love it so much, I love it so much
My Blanket, My Blanket

(To the tune of Spider Man)
Silly Sam, Silly Sam
Silly silly silly silly Sam
Silly Sam, Silly Sam
Silly silly silly silly Sam
Silly Sam! She's got a shoe on her hand!

I made that last one up when she was being silly and taking her shoes off in the car. She LOVES that song now and I have to sing it everytime she puts her shoe on her hand. Yesterday she had both shoes on her hands and at the end of the song clapped them together, "Look Mommy! Clap!". I sing the song everytime she does something silly too, I just change the last part to "She's hiding under her blanket" or whatever it is that she's doing.

Went off on a tangent there...just wanted to record those two songs I made up. I'm a lyrical genious I tell ya (Silly Sarah!).

So yea, having a daughter and can't help but wonder what it was like for my mother having a daughter this age. Did she sing to me? Were we goofy? How different was it for her at 21 years old? Was it hard for her being pregnant and chasing after me? Was I as verbally advanced (and as slow in the motorskills department) as Sam?

And how could she forget all that? How could she lose hope?

I know all the logical answers. It's the heart that still questions. I guess it always will. It saddens me, but it doesn't change me. I will never get my answers and will never stop having questions. When they come, I can cry and feel sad.

All it takes is one look at my daughters smiling face, one kiss, one hug, one "I love you" and I know what my heart knows. Enjoy this thing called life. I'm one of the lucky ones :)

Next Month

2008-04-14T11:18:00.002-04:00

Saturday I felt the BEST I have in MONTHS. It was like a day of clarity. I took Sam to the Early Years Centre and we had so much fun. Then we hung around the house with Daddy all afternoon and evening. It was a nice happy good feeling day. Sam went down to bed and Daddy and I started to tease eachother so I went upstairs, had a nice shower, Daddy chilled some wine, I put on some "sexy" maternity pj's (I looked rediculous), I even blow dried and straightened my hair.

Yea, half way into my glass of wine I started feeling the heartburn. It was SECONDS before the puking started (I had to use the popcorn bowl).

I just realized that I called Corey Daddy up there in that paragraph. OMG. I've gotten so used to calling him Daddy at home! It's funny because sometimes I'll call him at work and I'll say "Hi Daddy". Does this happen to every couple??

I still can't believe I'm having a baby NEXT MONTH. Well I'm due next month, but knowing my family history I'm betting on an early June baby. Still, it's creeping up so fast! I've already started planning what foods I'm going to eat all summer lol. I think that's what I'm most looking forward to, being able to eat normally. Yea yea the baby will be great, but it's food that I miss desperately at this point ;)

Hey it's tough being a pregnant lady who can't eat anything ok? It's consumed my life lol.

I just got through a stint with some nasty bronchitis too. Throw in some teething (2 year molars already!!??!!) and a sick Daddy (sick man - 'nuff said), omg I was a wreck. I really don't know who is suckier when sick, Sam or Dad, but man oh man am I ever thankful that she doesn't get sick often. He doesn't either actually. Thank you!

So I'm stuck between wanting 4 kids now and being DONE. This pregnancy thing sucks, so I'm firm on waiting at least 3 years before the next one, I NEED my body back. I know I'm taking a risk though because a few of my friends have said don't stop because when they start dressing themselves it's REALLY hard to imagine starting all over again lol. I can see the "get it over with" approach.

But then there's the other side of things. Sam has started helping around the house, well as much as a 21 month old can, but it's great! She'll pass you stuff, helps Dad unload the dishwasher (hands him the plastics and non-knife utensils) and yesterday handed me all the clothes from her hamper for me to put away (and that helps when you're 7 months pregnant let me tell you).

So we started thinking, with 4 kids, what would we ever have to do around the house? lol. The kids would all need chores, that's all less stuff for us to do!

I know I know, in a perfect world. It really can't be this easy, I must've gotten lucky with this one. Or maybe the more you add the less control you have...I don't know. But man, with 4 I could be sitting pretty....

Some Good News

2008-03-26T11:22:00.002-04:00

Well, I did the two hour Gestational Diabetes and I passed! Woot woot. I did throw up the drink between hour 1 & 2, and I didn't tell the lab...maybe I'll mention it to my doctor..but my family doc was surprised my OB even ordered the second test because my score from the first was sooooooooo close to ok (I had an 8.0 and the hightest normal is 7.8). I'm pretty sure we're ok.

Sam and I are sick. I think this is the first time we're sick together (and only Sam's third cold). It's been a challenge to say the least. I'm sooooooooo tired all the time as it is, add a whiney 20 month old and congestion and WOWIE, I'm a mess lol. Corey has been super helpful though and his mom too. Last night he had to work and Grandma had a TOPS meeting, so it was just the kid and I. I need to stop feeling guilty for laying in bed with her when we're sick. It's not going to turn her into a couch potato!

Been doing more self reflection lately. My TV needs have drastically declined and I have a lot more thinking time (usually when I'm cleaning the house). I'm learning to appreciate the simple things again and it feels so good. In the past I was always aiming for "the best" and stressing when things weren't "perfect". I was raised by a woman who was ashamed of everything she did because in her eyes nothing was "good enough". It's no wonder I'm the same way. I don't like it though and I'm learning to change. I'm learning to be more confident with my choices and to stop and enjoy life as I'm living it. So I'm driving a HUGE BEAST of a car that moves like a turtle and sucks up gas faster than anything I ever could have imagined. It's comfy and it's affordable. Oh and it gets me where I need to be. That's a good thing! I cannot afford a payment for a nice fancy new car. Who cares but me anyway? So stop caring and enjoy! That's the thought process I'm training my brain to accept, because it's what I want to be.

I want to be a simple, happy, comfortable person and it's all attainable if I get over the shit. And heck, I'm almost there!

I'm Not Alone!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-20T13:50:00.004-04:00

Wow, read this PLEASE, it totally outlines my parenting approach and what I believe in.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2008/02/16/faidle116.xml

I don't think I could ever put it into words so eloquently. Here's what I'm going to live by, as per the article:

Manifesto of the idle parent

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work
We pledge to leave our children alone
That should mean that they leave us alone, too
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals
We drink alcohol without guilt
We reject the inner Puritan
We fill the house with music and laughter
We don't waste money on family days out and holidays
We lie in bed for as long as possible
We try not to interfere
We push them into the garden and shut the door so that we can clean the house
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small
Time is more important than money
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness
Down with school
We fill the house with music and merriment

In other news, my 2 hour GD test SUCKED. I threw up the orange drink in the parking lot between hour 1 and 2. I didn't tell the technician because I was so afraid they'd say I had to come back and do it again. Now I feel like I should have told them because what if the results are all wrong because of it. UGH.

Update

2008-03-18T11:40:00.002-04:00

Ha! I just got a call from the doctors office. To add to my list of "differences":

* Failed the Gestational Diabetes 1 hour test. Have to go back Thursday for the two hour.

* Low iron levels. Have to take iron supplements.

I hate being pregnant.

What A Difference

2008-03-18T09:47:00.002-04:00

So I've been told I'm having a girl. It wasn't 100% though, because the legs were crossed the entire time. I asked if the tech saw "three lines" though, because that's what I was told they'd see if it was a girl. She said she did and explained the three lines are the vulva. Cool.

I'm still freakin' paranoid though. Why? This pregnancy is SO DIFFERENT! I can't believe how different! Here are some of the differences:

* STILL puking. I thought I was in the clear since I hadn't thrown up since last Wednesday, but nope, this morning this symptom returned. ARGH

* Not eating. This is good for my butt and thighs, I feel like I'm "skinnier" everywhere but the belly. The doctors are not concerned.

* Signifigant difference in weight gain. Probably related to the previous two, I'm only up 7 lbs so far this pregnancy (30 weeks along). I gained 50 lbs the last one...I wish I had lost the entire 50 lbs before getting pregnant again, oops.

* Much more movement. This baby is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more active than Sam ever was. I remember using a doppler with Sam because I wouldn't feel her at all that day. My friend didn't find the doppler for me this time and I recently told her it worked out ok because I didn't even need it.

* Back Aches. I don't remember back issues with Sam. This could be because I'm now chasing Sam instead of lying around doing nothing like I did the last time :P We also had an injury to deal with recently that required me to basically carry Sam around for 2 weeks (she fractured her leg).

* Inside pain. I remember reading about my online pregnant pals and their complaints about the baby "kicking my bladder" etc. I had no freakin' clue what they were talking about. I do now! I've felt this baby kick my ribs, squish my bladder and oh man, kick into my croch area. Sometimes it takes my breath away!

* How I'm carrying. I feel like I'm carrying lower. I don't know why, my MIL says I'm carrying the same. I just always feel pressure below, and it feels like I've ridden a horse all day! This is what scares me the most because don't boys carry low???? Maybe it feels like I'm carrying lower right now because I still have 10 weeks to go....

* Fatigue. This is probably due to the fact that I have Sam to care for now (my gosh I miss the lying around doing nothing sometimes). I also have a house to run. Maybe we should have waited to move until AFTER this baby was born?

So yea, Sam fractured her leg. She simply fell on the hardwood, thought it was a normal fall but turned out to be a fracture. It was a PITA but it could have been worse. She didn't get a cast because they didn't know it was a fracture until the SECOND x-ray, two weeks after the incident. By then she had healed a lot and was starting to walk again. I couldn't believe how much I missed her walking lol. It was like having a 2 year old baby!

She's still a skinny minnie. I think she's the smallest on her birth board, just over 21 lbs at 20 months. Baby weights are stress inducing. We're at the very low end of "the scale" and so of course I worry. She's perfect though, proportionate, vibrant, smart, so I need to just give it up. I have the best kid in the world. She's cuddly, happy and can talk better than some 3 year olds. She's got a catalog of songs we sing together and we spend our commute to and from the babysitters singing the selection of her choice :) Every birthday song is sung to Daddy of course. Even Patty Cakes are baked for Daddy. He eats that shit up. I do too :) When I pick her up she is SO happy to see me "MY MOMMY!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" It totally brightens up any day. She knows her name "Mantha Long", my name, Daddy's name, grandma's name, popops name...first and last for all :) She was saying "Sarah Caully" before but now she says Sarah Long (Daddy told me I couldn't correct her anymore). The sentances get longer and longer every day. Her vocab is incredible, she is always surprising us. I think she might have some kind of photographic memory because she remembers EVERYTHING. We've had to apologize for a LOT of bad words too.

Living on our own ROCKS lol. The only thing that sucks is this horrible winter we're having. We have a big beautiful backyard full of SNOW. We're getting into good cleaning routines though and keeping things simple. We're being mindful of the "junk" we buy and bring into the house. We want to avoid clutter at all costs. It's nice being clean again :) We've also had a lot of friends come over for dinner parties etc. I feel like we're reconnecting with the world! It really needed to happen, for all of us. The grandparents are very lonely right now, it's taking longer for them to adjust, but that's to be expected. We've got visitation happening (overnights for Sam - Sunday dinner for us) and it helps to have a morning a week to sleep in.

We're also facing putting Corey's dog Sapphire down. She's falling down everywhere because of arthritis in her legs :( She's also peeing everywhere, we think her kidneys are failing. I want to end her suffering ASAP but Corey is having a VERY hard time letting go. The dog is a 100lb Doberman, VERY overweight. She's also 13 years old, 4-5 years past the life expectancy of her breed. But I know, easy for me to sort out, harder for Corey. But, the time is near.

I'm actually busy at work. Crazy management changes and vacations have put a lot of work on my plate. Of course it does, 2 1/2 months before I leave. UGH.

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-14T09:36:00.004-05:00

I have felt so turned off by commercialism lately. I don't know why I suddenly feel this way, aware. Aware of how industries are trying to suck the money out of us. Aware of the messages being sent out in commercials that claim "Tell your woman she's spectacular with our spectacular diamonds", for only $169.00! WTF? Maybe it's because we're in our new home, happy, safe, cozy...and "poor" (someone said I'm not poor, my money is just all tyed up right now - I like that). Maybe it's because when we moved we threw out so much JUNK. So many little trinkets and tokens that had lost their meaning. Maybe that made me ask myself how quickly a little stuffed bear loses it's meaning. Heck, I asked myself how quickly a diamond necklace would lose it's meaning and with me, it wasn't much longer than the bear. Then the cards, omg the stack of cards that I threw out. I had to think about that one, do I need to pass these along to my daughter? Then I started reading them, the generic messages with a signature scrawled across the bottom. Did you know that ready made cards were invented during a period in time where expressing your emotions was disscouraged?

I don't know. Maybe it's the hormones. I just feel like I want to make this a lot more special for my family. More about celebrating love, expressing emotion. Sam is too young for it all right now, so I ask myself, should I give her a bear? Because how else will I mark this event for her? She's too young to make her own cards, too young to bake etc. The commercialism is so ingraned in our brains that I'm even doubting myself because of the guilt.

And then come the inevitable questions of "what did Corey get you". I tell the asker that we're not celebrating with gifts and they give you this "uh hunh, he's too cheap eh" or "guess someone is in trouble for forgetting" look.

But wait. I SHOULD NOT CARE what others think. As Sam gets older the holidays will be more and more special, I should look forward to this, to baking and making cards. Tonight, I should just enjoy the "special supper" we're going to have. Maybe then we'll go for a walk, take Sam out in her sled. Have a fire going in the fire place.

I'm not buying into it anymore commercialism! Watch out Easter, you're next!

Darn it, spell check isn't working lol.

Another Period Of Learning

2008-01-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

So I've been seeing a shrink. Since August. I love going to shrinks. This is my third big group of sessions (I saw a bereavement specialist once and Corey and I did a few sessions of couples counselling before my mom passed away). I've never felt comfortable enough to talk to anyone about the things I talk to my shrink about.

And now I know why.

I've felt "alone" for my entire life. Unintentionally, the people who were suposed to love me the most, the people who I should have been able to turn to, were never there for me when I was growing up. I reached out to them and got turned away. They had their reasons, some of them I can say I might have done the same and like I said, it was never intentional. I don't hold anyone responsible for the life I've led. But it scarred me, in an invisible way. I moved forward in life not trusting people because I never knew who to trust.

And then somehow, in my family dynamic, I learned guilt. I have felt so guilty for so long. Guilty for not calling, guilty for not reaching out, guilty for just wanting nothing to do with someone. Why? How did I get that way? Does it matter anymore?

I'm releasing those feelings. I'm learning that it's ok to have a closer relationship with someone in a family, to distance myself from others if they're just not people I can relate to. The simple word "family" does not bind me to people with whom no relationship can happen. I can impose limits on relationships, open up differently with each. Take a relationship as far as I want it to go and NOT feel guilty for being different with another.

Simple simple simple concepts that I just never got. I'm learning as I grow older that there are MANY. And it's such a shame. I look at what an opportunity I have, raising children. It's the greatest gift, the best "thing" life has to offer. A life created by love. A responsibility I will never take for granted. I am the world to this tiny being, and will always be. Nothing gets closer, nothing is stronger than that bond. That's how they're born and that's how I want it to stay, for the rest of my life. That to me is more important than a big TV, fancy car and multiple shopping sprees. That shit just doesn't give back the way a person can.

Having my children is my gift, my payback. My reward for becoming the person I have become (and continue to become). For suffering the childhood I suffered. I'm begining a new life!

Speaking of life begining...

I'm 21W now. I had the big ultrasound and.........I'm having a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond excited. Sam is going to have a sister! I'm going to have two daughters! Money wise it's a huge load off our shoulders. Sisters can share a room, and clothes, FOREVER lol. Our two bedroom bungalow is perfect for Corey our daughters and I! We're about 95% sure on the name McKenna Victoria. We'll have our "Sam and Mack" duo! Corey liked McKenzie for this reason but I vetoed that name (it was kinda my choice this time) so he's very pleased with my choice (as I was with Sam's).

Life really is falling into place.

Samantha update: 18 months old, the kid can now speak sentances. "Mommy, see a minute", "Pop Pop, supper ready!", "Mommy help please". The walking is a lot steadier as well. She's finally built up the confidence to motor. The tantrums are coming out in droves, but I think I've done a good job ignoring them because they last SECONDS, she just knows I won't respond to that kind of behaviour. It's funny too because she's smart enough to know that with others, it works. The tantrums she pulls with her Grandma....comical! But she knows! Grandma ALWAYS gives in ;)

So does Daddy actually. But I think that'll change once we're on our own in our new house. I feel guilty sometimes too when I'm disciplining her in front of Grandma or Pop pop. They'll look at her with sad sympathetic eyes and even throw out a "Grandma will let you later". Yea I know. But really, at this point, it's not worth the arguement lol. We're outta there!

Well, I needed a Friday brain dump. Thanks blog! lol

You Don't Want To Hear It

2007-12-20T13:16:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqv47beiJDI

That's my kid! I won't say anything else right now. I'm too proud lol.

I'm also too sick...because that big family secret drama from my last blog? Yea, my aunt found out I was PREGNANT! That's right, baby number two has been cooking for 17 weeks now :) I find out in about 2 weeks if I'm having a boy or girl.

The morning sickness has been crippling. No joke, my life feels ruined by this pregnancy. It's 10x worse than with Sam and I'm well into my second trimester with no end in sight. Anyway, I could go on and on and on and on...you don't want to hear it. And to be honest, I'm tired of even thinking about it.

But I'm happy number two is on the way lol. VERY happy. 23 months apart is EXACTLY what I wanted. I also get another year off work! wOO hOO!

And this year is going to kick that last ones butt....because we bought a house! I gorgeous old bungalow in downtown Brampton. Walking distance to my early years centre. Oh and did I mention it has a HUGE backyard with....an inground pool! A big one! No more living with the in-laws! My own space!

It's under construction right now so we can't live in it for a few more months we figure. Corey is totally reconstructing the bathroom right now. Then we'll paint the rooms and move in. Of course there is the task of cleaning everything we have out of where we are now. I think that itself could take MONTHS *sigh*. Still, a concrete end in sight.

For both things I need to remember (the morning sickness)

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

2007-09-25T09:45:00.000-04:00

Boy do we have a talker on our hands. I'm afraid. If she talks as much as Grandma, I'm going to have surgery to remove my hearing lol.

Seriously though, she says so many words it's scary. For her age, it's off the charts. She's saying please and thank you already, said "Bless you" when someone sneezed the other day and will repeat EVERYTHING we say. We all have to be concious of what we say. I am so used to calling Corey Corey and she picked up on that and will say Corey! Corey! Corey! He HATES it. It's so wierd though saying "Daddy!" when you want to get his attention in the kitchen. She can say "I want _____", "Up Mommy Please", "I know" etc. We went out for dinner on Friday night and a couple behind us couldn't get over how much she talked. Especially because she's so tiny. She doesn't look 14 months. Even when they hear she's 14 months though, people are shocked. We're afraid, what if she's smarted than us at like 9? lol

Walking on the other hand is a slow progress. She's doing it on her own, but she'd prefer to hold on if she can. When she is walking, she goes sooooooooooo slow and is so afraid of falling. I blame Daddy. He wouldn't let her fall onto her bum in the begining! Oh well, she'll start running when she's ready (and watch, I'll wish she wouldn't).

I think I'm going to have the added challenge of a girly girl. Me! With a girly girl! She's obsessed with her closet and clothes :P Grandma brought her home some outfits from New Brunswick and she LOVED holding them, looking at them, saying "clothes" over and over again.

I decided to go back and see a psychologist. I can't explain why, I just felt like I needed it. The other times I went I had these major life issues going on so it's different going into this for no real purpose. I actually really like it. My DR is fantastic. Having a kid has changed the way I look at the world, in ways it's given me hope, but lately it's also given me a lot of despair. I see so many kids with parents who aren't nurturing their kids, don't pay enough attention to them, take their frustrations and own issues out on them. I want to just shake these people! My shrink says it's because I know what these kids are missing out on first hand. I have this need to fix the world, and I have to give it up. I can only fix me. I'll never understand those people, I can't waste any more energy stressing about the state of their children't lives, as much as it breaks my heart. I've only been hurting myself by trying to help, encouraging parents to look at things differently, because they are incapable of understanding what I'm saying. It's nothing personal against me, it's just different intellects, different personalities. I need to focus on being thankful that I am who I am. Enjoy this life I have before me.

Yesterday I was presented with some information that sparked a little mini drama inside of me. Aparently a family member I haven't spoken to in like 10 years has been googling me. Private and very personal information was told to another family member who I really trust and thankfully she told me. This information was out there on the net under my HANDLE to boot, so this family member, who "doesn't acknowledge my existence", googled my handle and not even my name. At first I was furious, mad, felt violated. Then I calmed down and thought about it. This woman isn't talking to me because of issues with her daughter. When I was 19 her then 14 year old daughter contacted me for help. Let's set the stage here, I'm 19, abandoned by my mother and other family members, receiving a call from a drunk 14 year old asking for my help in a city I've been in for at most 2 years. What do you think I did? I helped her - and by help her i mean I went and picked her up and brought her to my place. Aparently that was the wrong thing to do. I should NOT have gotten involved.

I've been the big person and apologized over the years. More than once. Me, the lost kid who was just doing what I thought was right, apologized. No change, I'm still one of the "people who ruined her daughters life". See this daughter is now selling herself for money and has no relationship with her mother. So fine, I get that she can't accept responsibility for her own mistakes (there were HUGE issues before this incident) and needs people to blame. I've pretty much forgotten she even exists in the scheme of my family. No emotion for her, no thought.

It's been like this for 10 years.

So after getting through the emotion I felt when I first found out she's googling me and talking about these private things with others in the family, I've come to the following conclusion: she's a sad sad sad person. She declined an invitation to my baby shower and got MAD at the person who gave me her address (she what, thought I was going to stalk her?). Then she goes ahead and invades my privacy. Me, who "doesn't exist to her". She stalks me.

I don't know what went on back then with my grandparents, but most of these kids of theirs have got some serious mental issues. What, 3 out of 4?

I don't think I need to know. I hope she one day gets the help she needs. I don't wish what happened to my mom on anyone. If she does though, I will not be there to accept her apology. Never. That door closed a LONG time ago.

And since you're probably still stalking me, now you know. What you're doing is not healthy. Stop worrying about phantom illness, getting thrown off the subway platform and get out and live. Go to your daughter, get over the BS, ALL OF IT, be a parent and work on it. She needs you. It's never too late. It's what mom's do.

I considered changing my handle everywhere but you know what, I'm not going to. I'll continue on as is and this will be the only mention of anything. If this angers you more and you want to tell the world all my secrets, I'll warn you, I'm going to tell them how you know. Think about that.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Mommy! Mommy! Sweet music to my ears. We've got you in Kindergym and swimming this fall :) You love it! Daddy takes you swimming. I went to watch you guys yesterday and you were in heaven. The other day we were playing and giggling and right in the middle of it you stopped, grabbed my face, said "Mommy" and gave me a BIG kiss. I will never forget these moments, I promise. I promise to be the best mother I can be. You can see from the above entry that I have a lot of deep rooted family issues to overcome, but I'm trying my hardest to resolve these issues with the least amount of impact to you. I want you to concentrate on learning, having fun and growing. Mommy will take care of all the rest. I love you more than life itself.

It's Official, She's ONE

2007-07-18T08:51:00.001-04:00

I have a one year old daughter. It's still pretty unbelievable. She's pretty unbelievable. The speed she's growing at, I just want to make it stop! She's constantly changing, learning and discovering. She can say "up" now whenever she wants to be picked up. Figures my kid would start there. She's doing good with the walking though. Any day now we expect her to take off!

Her birthday parties were nice. On her actual birthday we came into my work for a free breakfast they were holding. It was nice getting to show her off :) That afternoon we went for a picnic with our mom and baby friends we made over this last year. It's amazing how much the babies have changed, I think you see it more in other kids. The picnic was nice, a little too chilly for the spash pad so we mostly sat around talking and letting the babies play. That night my cousin, Aunt and the rest of us had a special dinner (Dad's homemade spaghetti) and then a cake. She didn't demolish it! She was careful and didn't eat much...dainty little princess that she is. She opened a few presents and played with all her new backyard toys. She sure got a lot for such a small thing!

On Saturday we had a bigger party and invited friends and family. My grandparents were in town from Magog so they came with Auntie Lianne. It ended up raining and some people had to cancel but it worked out because we had no room in the house. The kids who were there had a blast playing with Sam and all her new toys. We did the cake thing again, same reaction, and opened more presents. Oh, the cutest was when we were all singing Happy Birthday. She's such a ham! I couldn't believe how much she was hamming it up for everyone. The oooh's and aaaah's were ruining the birthday song! lol

I've almost 100% weaned her. We're down to one feeding (morning). I'm having more of a hard time with this than I thought I would. I want to be the best mom and most pro breastfeeders say you should let the child wean but I don't want to wait until she's 2-4 years old! I want my body back! Not only do I want to eat/drink/smoke whatever I want, I also want to have another one sooner than later so a break is imporant.

Our mutual facination of everthing Sam does has brought Corey and I even closer. I didn't imagine that would be possible but here we are! Neither one of us can believe she's turning into this little person. She's growing a lot more attached to Dad and he's loving it! I on the other hand miss her clinging to me :P It is nice to see her wanting him though, it makes him feel a lot more involved. It's a funny thing for Dads, those first few months. There really isn't much for them to do except take care of the Mamma. I don't think Corey got to bond with her the way I did in those early days. I don't think he knew how to handle himself with this someone who wouldn't react to him, respond etc. I also think this is typical for a lot of men. What is there to do in those early days? All they do is eat, sleep and poop. Well I had the eating duty, sleeping she could handle and then what, he's designated diaper dude? That's not fair! He was good though, he waited it out and now he has an adoring clingy daughter :)

We've been RV'ing like crazy. I love camping. Especially with Corey. We're just so alike yet so different...it just works. He's the big strong man and I'm the smart wife lol.

I got a new camera for my birthday! I'm includin some pics that I took when I first got it. Birthday pictures will have to wait, I don't have them here at work.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You're a big girl now! I sneak in and watch you sleep...I can't believe how long you are! You look like a little girl, not as much baby.You love to blow kisses, cuddle, walk around holding onto all of the furniture, dance, clap, slide, play with balls, swing and play in Daddy's truck. You love going to the babysitter, Debbie and have made a lot of friends in the neighborhood. I have talked to many neighbours who I never would have even glanced at because of you. Your smile, your love radiates from you and fills my heart. You've taught me the power of smile.

Facination

2007-06-13T14:58:00.000-04:00

It's not so bad! Heck I'm actually enjoying it. Hard to admit since I feel a bit of guilt, I mean shouldn't I want to be with my baby 24/7? But here I am, admitting, I like the "me time". A lot.

I have two favourite times during my typical work day. 12pm-1pm I go to the gym here at work, put on my iPod shuffle (how cool am I?), open my trashy "novel" and walk for 45 mins on the treadmill. This is pure me time. My own tunes, trash...no outsiders interrupting me. The best part is I'm exercising!

4:15pm is the best best best time of my work day. It's when I pick Samantha up. I cannot explain how amazing it is seeing her face light up when I show up. It's a daily reminder that in her eyes, I'm number 1. How awesome is that? And I will ALWAYS be number1, I'm her MOM.

I look at her, 11 months later, in amazement. I created this little person. The more she grows, the more facinated I am. Her smiles, her claps, her waves...they're all a part of me. I created her, grew her, feed her, teach her.

I can't wait to get a new camera (mine was lost) because I HAVE to get a video clip of her dancing. It's the CUTEST THING EVER. She takes after her mom I tell ya. As soon as she hears a tune with a good beat it's bounce bounce bounce.

As she crosses over into toddlerhood I find myself longing for another one. We're trying, it's just not happening as easy as it did in the past. This worries me. I can't help it. Then I worry I'm stressing myself out and that's why it's not happening.

I'm all over the place here. Back to work. Yay.

Personal Growth At 28

2007-05-28T12:40:00.001-04:00

How being a mother has changed me:

- I don't feel the same way about marriage. It's Corey Sam and I, we're a family. Do I need a piece of paper saying so?? I think having a daughter, this beautiful little being, the product of our love for eachother, well it's so much more than a piece of paper. Watching her grow, smile, laugh, learn...it's more rewarding than a one day event (wedding) could ever be. If down the road for legality reasons we need that piece of paper, I want to do it quietly, in Vegas or something.

- I see Samantha as an opportunity to develop a human being and I want her to live up to her potential. Does that mean I want to give her everything she wants? No. I think in a way I'm lucky I don't have money and didn't grow up with a whole lot of it. I've had to work for everything I have, most of the time on my own. How could my life have been...better? If I had been nurtured, even just emotionally, I think I could have done great things with my life. But then, would I be where I am today? So how do I do this? How do I handle this enormous responsibility I've been given...someone's life. My answer...with Love. If she wants something, I want her to know how to work for it. I don't want her to feel as though she's owed things in life. It's my responsibility to teach her this lesson and the best way to do this, I think, is with communication and love. I didn't have either when I was growing up. I was left to fend for myself most of my life. I craved my mother's love, her attention, her words. I've spent so much of my life craving this from people, Sam has opened my eyes and taught me to look around at people who are loving me. I've reached that place and need to enjoy it.

- My mother wasn't perfect, but she was my mother. I'm not going to be a perfect mother either, I have to accept that. This lesson has compounded itself in other relationships as well. I didn't grow up around a positive male/female relationship. With my mother there was always drama, always fear, no expression of love in front of my brother and I. There was many relationships and then in the end, nothing. She was alone. I have had to look back on this and learn how it's affected me today. I love Corey with every ounce of me. Does that mean we never fight? Does that mean I don't sometimes feel lonely? Absolutely not. We do fight and sometimes when he's out being a "boy", I do feel lonely. How have I reacted to these feelings? I'll admit, sometimes I've considered leaving him, I've felt like I was at the lowest place ever. Since having Samantha I've been able to step back and really see how lucky I am. This man always wants me to be at his side. When he's being a "boy", he usually wants me right there with him, being stupid and immature. He drinks at home, in front of the house, with the guys next door. He's not going to bars, he's not drinking and driving, he's not meeting other women. He compliments me, he teases me, he plays cards with me, he cooks for me. He's an only child and has been "in charge" his whole life. He rules his parents, he works at a job where he has "helpers"...when he "tells" me to grab him the ketchup and doesn't say please, it's not personal. It's not because he doesn't love me or respect me, it's because he was raised by a mother who too had her own issues. She to this day enables him. She made mistakes that can't be erased, she was a mom, she was human, she was herself. It doesn't mean I'm getting walked on by him...because when it does matter I know how to stand up for myself. I know his weaknesses, his dreams, his passion. And he knows mine. When I say silly things that don't make any sense, he laughs and tells me I'm cute. When I act all psycho because I'm a woman and my hormones are out of wack, he doesn't leave me, he waits it out and accepts my apology. When my mother committed suicide his strength got me through it, it never faltered. He calls me at work just to tell me he loves me. Becoming a mom helped me see through all the negativity surrounding us. Our love created this perfect, beautiful little being and it's our love that's going to keep both her and us happy.

- I'm hopeful. And that's a hard thing to be sometimes. Her innocence has given me a lifetime supply of hope. I can shape this person into a loving, caring, hard working, determined, polite, respectful human being. Me. Me and her dad. The two of us are the only people responsible for this task. I'm hopeful that people out there realize this, take the time to understand what a responisibility bringing a child into this world carries. I'm not surrounded by many examples of people who do realize this, but I've met some. I'm hopeful that technology can one day be used for good because it's not all bad. I was raised on technology. I was raised by the TV and it's not all bad. If you choose to listen and learn, it can be a very useful tool. I don't have a mother to guide me through raising a baby, so I've had to use the Internet quite a bit. I'm open to all sides of a debate, prefering to remain an observer instead of lining myself up for execution. I make decisions based on what makes the most sense logically to me. I don't then brag about it on a message board etc. because people will have different opinions. It gets personal. I spend too much time living my life....I don't want to spend time defending my choices. It's my life, I have to live with myself and those I choose to be around or bring into this world.

- I'm a listener, an observer and I need to feel less lonely about that. It's not because I don't have anything to say...it's because I am facinated with how people live, the choices people make. I come from a background FILLED with drama and instability, this was not by choice, it was what I was raised into. I have chosen a life without drama and instability and that's a good thing. I can see how I'm lead down a path of lonliness sometimes. I meet a lot of people who aren't happy, who have relationships with people because of their common misery. I don't fit in with these people and I need to remember, that's a good thing. I can also see how I sometimes create drama for myself, most of the time because I've been caught up in other people's BS. Reflection like this reminds me that I'm not done growing...that personal growth can take a lifetime.

- I've learned who I am. I don't wear makeup, I don't dress in the latest fashions. I want to be comfortable not well put together. I don't know a lot about the mechanics of life and things around me, I didn't have anyone around who could explain things to me. That said, I am curious about how things work and appreciate when people take the time to explain. Also, I can take it if I assume I do know something, say something dumb and then get teased about it. I can look you in the eye when I talk and will do the same when you talk. I am fiercely loyal to those I love. I get caught up in both my own passion and passions expressed by others. I will sacrafice a lot to get what I want. If you ask me to help you and then don't listen to a word I say I have a hard time supporting your continued misery.

- I've learned from Sam what happiness is. It isn't money, it isn't driving a brand new SUV...it's driving in my craptastic volvo station wagon, on a beautiful sunny day, windows down and the music blaring. It's dancing in my seat, unaware of who's around me. It's the excitement I feel when I turn the corner onto my street, knowing I'm 5 minutes away from having her back in my arms. It's her smile, her cuddle into me, her unconditional love and trust. It's being with Corey after 8pm, our time, us time. It's the strength I feel in our relationship because we were smart enough to raise our daughter to have a bed time, to be in her room, safe, while we enjoy eachother's company. It's that we can have more fun at home than anywhere else in the world because we're all safe. It's that we eat at home 95% of the time because we know what foods we love and exactly how we like to make them. It's that Samantha feels the same way and so we get to see her grow and be happy every single day, together.

I really am one of the lucky ones.

Back At Work

2007-05-24T08:42:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's finally happened....I'm back at work. This sucks BIG TIME. I'm depressed, bored, frustrated and angry. Let me explain:

Depressed: My kid is at a babysitters having fun without me. I sound like a big sucky baby right now I know, but it's true! I spent over 10 months with her and it just kept getting better and better. She interracts with me more now and everyday you see her learning something new. I'm also depressed because there is no end in sight. I'm here until...well until I have another baby! Who the heck knows when that's going to happen. So, from the time I do finally get pregnant I have to work another 9 months. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Bored: I know it's only been three days but I've done jack. There's no new business, I have no manager to assign me work and everyone here hates being at work.

Frustrated: This company is frustrating the heck out of me. I had 2265 e-mails when I got back to work and no lie, 20 of them were people leaving who I worked with closely. How many of those people have been replaced? ZERO. I have no manager, no director, no team lead...nothing. We have no equipment, have to rely on production machines to do our testing, which means we have to come in after hours to run basic tests. Um hello, I'm here from 8am - 4pm. Nothing more. I have a baby to be home with!!! So what the heck am I going to do? The application that has been my baby for 8 years is going to the competitor - and I could have had a job with them. My timing has been waaaaaaaaaay off. I could go on and on and on...but I'm just complaining and it's probably pretty tiresome.

Angry: At who? My work? Myself? Corey? Life? The World? I can't explain why I'm feeling angry...I just am. I'm angry that I have to be here.

I could be feeling this emotional because I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep. Samantha had a VERY rough night. She wouldn't sleep unless I was in the room with her rubbing her eyebrow. It's cute, and sweet, at first. By 3am I was getting very emotional, begging her to let me sleep. The poor babysitter today!

OK I need to focus on some positives. We bought a small motorhome and had our first outting this weekend. It was glorious. The weather was beautiful, the RV was warm and it was nice finally getting to be just the three of us. We made hotdogs, marshmellows, bacon and grilled cheese on the fire (we = Corey). Core and I sat at the fire every night while Samantha slept. I made good progress on a book I'm reading (it takes me at least a month to read a book now - I usually only have time when I'm....in the bathroom).

Corey has been wonderful throughout all of this. I don't know what I would do without him. He's happy at work, happy at home. To be so great putting up with me right now, I'm a very lucky girl.

Oh. I lost my camera. Totally bummed about that. I had all kinds of great pictures from my trip to Montreal on it. Corey's buying me a new one for my birthday.

I finally burried my mom's urn May 3rd. I feel so relieved.

Let me see if I can find any pictures of Sam on this computer. Now that I'm bored at work, I'll be a better blogger, you'll see!

For My Darling Baby Girl: What are you up to now...well lets see. If we even say the word "Flower" you start sniffing the air. If you actually see a flower, you freak out until we let you get close to it and smell. You have a blankie, it's one of my pyjama shirts. You can't sleep without that and your "suey". You're starting to "talk". If you see the cat you say "Ca", "Da" for dog etc. You can walk if we hold your arms and you get VERY nervous if we try and get you to do it on your own. You wave if someone is coming or going and waving at you. You will give us kisses if we ask, usually with your mouth wide open. The only person you've kissed on your own is your Daddy. You like to eat on your own, we can't feed you anymore. You're eating everything we eat, no more baby food :) Your Grandpa and Grandma love you very much, you're a lucky little girl. Someone is always around to give you what you want hahaha. Oh and you know how to point at what you want now...it's cute.

Where Has Time Gone

2007-02-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

I know I know, I've been a VERY bad blogger. I've thought about you often dear blog, but you see, I now have an almost 7 month old...and let me tell you. When she naps, I'm usually doing something, like cleaning. When she goes to bed for the night, it's Mommy and Daddy time. So you can see why you'd be so neglected.

A lot has happened in these few months. I'll start with Christmas. It was so awesome. Even a 5-6 month old can change Christmas, the lights, the music, the gifts...it's only going to get better the older she gets and I already noticed a different in our first big holiday. It was around Christmas that we started feeding her vegetables, cereal was a few weeks before. That was fun. She LOVES eating and is going great with it. She has her favourites already and HATES banana's from a jar (I know, what kid hates BANANAS!) We spent New Years at home and woke her up at midnight. I felt cruel at first but she was totally unphased by it and went right back to sleep after we said our Happy New Years. The in-laws loved it.

On Jan 6th I did a pregnancy test because my gums were hurting and I felt dizzy. It was positive. Unfortunately this story doesn't have a happy ending, on Jan 29th I lost the baby and even had to have a D&C on the 31st. It was very traumatic for me and still hurts. I'm so thankful I have Sam because once again my little angel got me through a difficult time. I'll never know how far along I was etc. In my heart I think it was too soon for my body, I never even got a period and nursing SHOULD have been birth control. So we're going to try and be more careful for a little while until she's weaned I think. When I left the hospital the nurse was very reassuring and said "At least you know you don't have any trouble getting pregnant!". True.

I've been thoroughly enjoying being off from work. A group of us from the Ontario Early Years Centre have broken off and have been doing stuff together outside of the program. It's fantastic time for Sam to socialize and Mommy too! The kids are all so cute together and all within a month or two of eachother age wise. I'm in no hurry to go back, at all. I hope I can manage to stay off until July, but I could use the money. So we'll see.

Well Corey just got home and I've missed him. Sam is napping and will probably be up shortly so I'll leave you with some photos. I will try my best to update again soon!

Pretty Christmas Dress

Love The Face

First Big Bath

We're Taking Swimming Lessons!

Last Night She Started Spitting Her Food Everywhere!

If You Look Real Close On The Bottom Left There Is A Tooth (It's A Dot)

For My Darling Baby Girl: We've been having a lot of fun swimming, going to the movies etc. You're very popular with the boys and Daddy is not pleased. They all like your eyes. My nickname for you right now is "Gully" because when you talk with your soother in your mouth it sounds like you're saying gully over and over again. Daddy calls you "Skeeter" because he thinks you look like a misquito with those big eyes.

Happy Halloween

2006-11-01T18:20:00.000-05:00

This was a very special Halloween, Samantha's first and my first with a kid! Everything was so different, the kids were cuter. Not the cutest though, that was impossible with this bat around:

I'm Excited To Get Going!

Come On Parents!
Hey This Is Pretty Cool!

I Think I Ate Too Much

2006-09-24T13:07:00.000-04:00

Things are going GREAT. My baby was 10lbs 13oz at her 2 month appointment! Oh and 23.25 inches! I can't believe how much she's grown. She's now lifting and supporting her own head, smiling like a mad woman and just discovering her hands. I was feeding her yesterday and she wound up and punched me in the chest lol.

Breastfeeding is going wonderfuly. She eats so fast! It's great at 4am :) She's going through a "Mommy only" phase and I secretly LOVE IT. Especially when it comes to my mother-in-law, hahaha. What? Everyone has mother-in-law issues.

We went to a wedding last night and she was a hit. Everyone commented on how beautiful she is. Check out the pics. Having a baby girl is so much fun. I get to play dress up with my doll every day. She was great through the ceremony and at the reception she was awake the whole night dancing. Yes, my daughter is already a party girl like her mom. She loved being in our arms dancing, as long as she could look around at the crowd with those big eyes of hers.

I'm doing great. Going to salsa babies with her for some exercise. I started back at WW and it's going good, slow and steady. We leave for New Brunswick on Oct 7th. I can't wait to see my new house :)

For My Darling Baby Girl: You're entering that FUN stage and I love it. I do like this age because you can't really move around though, so I don't have to chase after ya. Everytime you smile my heart melts, especially since Mommy gets the biggest ones.

I just can't resist

2006-08-29T18:10:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to have one of those blogs with a million pictures of my kid....oh well :) I just got some pics that are TOO CUTE and I can't resist.

Six Weeks Already!

2006-08-22T15:16:00.000-04:00

Yea. She's gorgeous :) And she's ALL MINE!!! I'm having a good day, can you tell?

It's been a few good weeks now actually. Baby is eating well, has started smiling and plays independently for a few minutes every day. We've been going to programs at the Ontario Early Years Centre, it's nice to get out. Tomorrow we're going to see a movie. She's 6 weeks old tomorrow and we'll be seeing "World Trade Center". I know, you'd think a kids first movie would be something Disney or something animated, but this is a special movie for mom's and babies. Samantha won't remember this event, heck she doesn't even know she has hands yet, and Mommy likes getting out into the real world :)

On Thursday we're going to go to work. Believe it or not, after all that belly aching, I miss the place. There's only so much daytime TV a girl can take before she misses work I guess. I'm not saying that I want to go back tomorrow, I love being with my baby. She's just at an age where there's not much I can do with her. All the other mom's with older babies say to enjoy this stage. When she gets bigger she sleeps less (meaning I sleep less), moves around more (won't stay where I put her) and needs a lot more of my attention (right now she's in her chair sleeping and I'm on the computer!). She's also sooo tiny and cute! Oh and only Mommy can quiet her down sometimes :) I love that feeling, when she finally quiets for me after no one else can settle her.

The only issue has been with the Mother In Law. She is driving me NUTS. She wants to badly to help with the baby but I'm feeling a bit selfish and don't ALWAYS want to give her up. We live with the in-laws so they're around her every day and if my MIL had her way, Samantha would be with her every second that she's home from work. She'd be giving her a bottle every night, singing (off key to boot), talking to her constantly...ok ok so in writing it doesn't seem so bad, but when you're me and she's her, it's ANNOYING. I'm so used to my own space, living with them is getting to me. I'm trying to convince Corey to move to New Brunswick immediately. We've applied for a job, well I helped Corey apply for a job. It's a long shot, he's not qualified for the job, but we're hoping he gets an interview! Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me.

For My Darling Baby Girl: I want to bottle your cuteness up. Your smile gets wider and wider every day. You're a happy baby, I hope you're always this happy. I feel so lucky to be the one who helps make you that way!

One Month

2006-08-12T00:01:00.000-04:00

I've been a Mommy for an entire month. Wow. Time flies eh?

Thing are going much much better. I'm 100% breastfeeding (yay!). I finally just said NO MORE FORMULA and completely cut it out. It just wasn't right. I didn't feel right about giving it to her because it would make her sleep more and she wasn't getting the supply, so how could my milk increase? So I went to my favourite message board and they suggested I take a "nursing vacation". Basically I stayed in bed with her for a couple of days and just let her eat and eat. Oh and I also started eating oatmeal every day. It worked!!! She eats like a champ now. Heck she even spits up (who thought I'd ever be happy to be spit up on). She poops, pee's....everything is good. On Monday we find out how much weight she'd gained, the last "worry".

I'm still wearing her ALL THE TIME. In fact, if she's not eating she's passed out on me. I love it but her Grandma doesn't. She tried watching her tonight and baby just cried and cried. Grandma is a bit too big for this pouch, I might see if I can get another one that's bigger so she can wear her. It's the last hurdle because she will take a bottle. Grandma is SOOOOO dissapointed, it breaks my heart, but she'll have lots of opportunities when she's older to watch her!

We've been venturing out a bit more now that we know how to settle her. I've looked into some programs and we start them next week. I'll be singing songs with her, learning to massage her, stuff like that. It's so nice to get out and be among the living. This house is big but not THAT big and the days do get quite lonely.

Development wise people tell me she's bigger (I'm with her 24/7 so I don't notice anything), she's more alert for longer periods now, I swear she smiled at me the other day for REAL and she's focusing in on toys and stuff. Not much, the books say things will really get exciting this month.

For My Darling Baby Girl: I am so in love with you. Right now you're sleeping away on my chest and I smile every time you make a noise. I kiss you a lot too, you better get used to it. Feeling you snuggle into me the way you do is the best feeling in the world. I've never felt so lucky.

I'm A Baby Wearer

2006-07-28T18:32:00.000-04:00

Things are going good. Daniel leaves tomorrow and it's been a nice quiet visit. I don't think he minds as much as I thought he would. He gets to play on the computer all day, eat as much as he wants and stay up until whenever he wants :) We took him shopping for some new clothes and sandals, he visited the neighbours kid, went to hockey with Corey and went swimming at a friends pool yesterday. I usually took him to Canada's Wonderland, Ontario Science Centre etc. but I can't leave the house for too long with a nursing baby. It's stressful going to Walmart and worrying about her waking up to eat!

The breastfeeding is still a challenge. I'm still supplementing with formula and I hate it. I just don't feel like it's helping. So there's a plan, after Daniel leaves I'm taking a "nursing vacation". That means staying in bed for a few days and feeding constantly. I have to increase my milk supply. I'm also meeting a friend on Tuesday and borrowing her pump. The cheapo one I bought broke on day 2. I'll buy the parts that milk have touched and use her pump. Any way I can save $$$ at this point. I'm on unemployment now! I'm also determined to make this work :)

Samantha LOVES her sling. It's great for me too, I can eat, play on the computer, walk around, with my pretty princess strapped to my chest. She's a warm little bugger but it's so wonderful. I can just bend my head down and kiss her cute face whever I want. She also moves around and snuggles right into me. I'm an official baby wearer. I must remember to take a picture and post it.

Corey just got in with my greek take out. Better go eat before she wakes!!!

For My Darling Baby Girl: On Monday it's just you and me kid. No more Grandma, no more Uncle Daniel. It's just us for the first time. I'm warning you though, you're going to eat from the boob, so it might not be the easy time we've been having when your belly is filled with formula. Give it time, I'm going to suffer too!!!

2006-07-22T18:47:00.000-04:00

Here's the story: was suposed to go get gel on Monday evening. They got too busy and told me to hold off on coming in for the induction and wait for a call. Those were the LONGEST hours of my life! Finally was called in at around 1:30pm. Got checked in, got room, was checked and had progressed to 2cm and still "thick" (my childbirth class teacher would be so dissapointed that I didn't use my big words, station and efaced). She said I was progressed enough to skip the gel though and proceeded to break my waters. I was shocked and paniced a BIT. Walked for an hour before they started the Oxytocin. They started it at 4:30pm on the 11th. From then until midnight I had mild regular contractions, played cards, danced around breathing through the contractions and tapped into someone's free wireless internet, life was great! At midnight the doctor came back for another check and I hadn't progressed!!!! Then she goes "didn't I break your waters?" and grabs her needles again. This time it was Niagara Falls and soooo different. Things really started happening then including a trip to the bathroom where I almost whiped out because I leaked all over the floor (the nurse had to get a MOP). I asked Corey to get some rest and breathed through HORRIBLE contractions. At 3:30am I asked for the epidural. I was good to go by 4am! Thing was, I still felt a lot of pressure and pain, I couldn't sleep at all. The hard edge was taken off though and even with an uppage in dosage I still felt every contraction with back pain and tons of pressure. At around 6am they checked again and I was 9cm! Things happened quickly from there and at 7:43am I started pushing. With the pushing too I felt EVERYTHING but without the hard edge. I really liked that because I felt like I had control over what I was doing and really worked hard. I used a lot of the techniques I read about in Ina May's Guide To Childbirth.

Samantha Catherine Belle was born at 8:43am on Wednesday July 12, 8lbs 4oz, 20inches. Daddy says she came out looking around and I even overheard a resident say she had never seen a baby come out like that. She's so alert and I instantly fell in love. I asked for skin to skin contact and she latched all on her own. It was incredible. One second I'm asking the nurse what I'm going to do now and she said she'd show me how to latch in a bit. She turned her back and Samantha found her nipple all on her own! It was so amazing.

Breastfeeding since has been a bit of a challenge. She had a bit of borderline jaundice as well so we had to be super careful and ended up having to supplement with a bit of formula. We're using this tube thing though so my boobs are still getting stimulated and the milk will come. Friday we go to the clinic again and will find out if she needs to be supplemented any more.

I've got a pretty good sleeper on my hands I must say. The last two nights she's slept for 6 hours in a row! Then she'll wake up for an hour to feed and go back to sleep for another 2 hours. I'm still tired throughout the day though, don't know why. Maybe my body got used to 11+ hours sleep every night lol.

Here are pictures of my "Pretty Princess".

Her First Picture

My Little Cherub

Mom and Samantha

Dad and Samantha

My Little Diva

For My Darling Baby Girl: You're finally here! I can't explain how happy we are, and how in love we feel with you! Even when you spit up or throw up on us, it's "amazing". I hope you don't go blind with all the camera flashes :) We're going a BIT nuts. Can't help it, you're TOO CUTE!

Quick Update

2006-07-19T18:31:00.000-04:00

Samantha Catherine Belle Long was born on Wednesday July 12th at 8:43am. I have this HUGE post saved because I'm unable to upload pictures. Keep watching for it, I'll try as often as I can get on the computer.

She's a cutie and a LOT of work :)

An End In Sight

2006-07-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

Well today I had my 40week 2 Day appointment and because I'm overdue they did an internal. I'm 1 cm dialated but still very "thick" so she said still quite a long way off. She said she'd stimulate things so I think she stripped my membranes and I also had a bit of "show". That itself was exciting!

Then she said they would need to schedule the induction because they don't let you go longer than 41 weeks because the placenta starts breaking down. I have a non-stress test scheduled for Saturday (they'll monitor the heartbeat and do an ultrasound) and then if nothing happens I go in Monday night for the "gel" and Tuesday morning at 7:30am to be induced.

Yesterday I was SO READY for this, so why am I freaking out???

For My Darling Baby Girl: This time next week, I'll be holding you in my arms. Just thinking about it makes me choke up a little.

Plus One

2006-07-05T19:30:00.000-04:00

No baby yet.

I took a nice long walk today, I hope that works!

Might try spicy food tomorrow as per my comments. Scared of the heartburn though!

Today Is My "Due Date"

2006-07-04T22:45:00.000-04:00

If one more person walks through that door and says "Did you have the baby yet?" I'm going to punch them. Yes, I did. You saw me yesterday but somewhere in between then and now I delivered a baby, brought her home and oh yea, that BIG MASSIVE BUMP still under my shirt? That's a figment of your imagination. Ugh.

I'm still pregnant, I'm miserable and everyone better stay back.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We are just SO READY now. Please please please come.

We're Still Not Parents

2006-06-28T11:41:00.000-04:00

Well, NOTHING happening yet. I mean NOTHING.

I don't know what a "Braxton Hicks" contraction is because I swear I've never had one.

I don't think I've dropped....Corey and his mom keep saying I have but I think they're just trying to be optimistic.

I'm not leaking (I know, you don't have to, but everyone else on my pregnancy board seems to be!).

The baby is still moving (apparently they stop moving for a week before they're born???).

I'm due next Tuesday. I know I'm not over due yet so I should just stop whining but this pregnant thing has gotten REAL boring. I'm wearing the same two pair of shorts over and over again, I never really feel like eating but get these really strong hunger pains without a moments notice, I have this pain in my back that makes me walk like a cripple (and no, it's not back labour, Corey and I have been trying the "do the deed" induction method and well...one of the positions we tried didn't work too well) and I'm HUGE. I'm really really excited about the fact that I'll soon be able to bend over and pick things up. When Corey and I play cards I'll sometimes drop one (oh yea, I'm clumsy now too) and he gets the biggest laugh out of the fact that I can't pick up the card myself.

We've decided on her full name finally. See originally it was Samantha Catherine Long but Corey felt a bit unsettled about having just my mom's middle name given the circumstances of her passing. He felt it would be bad karma for the baby or something. He wanted to add his mom's middle name but I just couldn't do it....her name is Bonita. I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone who's name is Bonita...but I just don't like it! To me it's one of those "old lady" names. Like Shirley or Gertrude or Blanche. So I x-nayed that idea and we started looking at names we liked and dropping my mom's name altogether. The other night we were explaining this to Bonny (Bonita) and she was trying to argue with Corey about him not wanting Catherine. I told her to stop, he had legitimate reasoning behind his argument so we starting talking about family names. My grandmothers name is Shirley and Corey's are Victoria and Bertie. Yea, no. Middle names, my grandmothers is Patricia, but that's also mine, Corey's are...I don't remember and BELLE (Bertie Belle - gag - sorry grammy). SO, if Samantha is born on July 9th she'll be Samantha Victoria Long after Corey's one grandmother because her birthday is July 9th. Any other day, she'll be Samantha Catherine Belle Long. Sammy Belle! Don't ya love it?

See what my life has been reduced to...sitting around waiting for a baby to be born and boring people with long complicated stories about names. I hope she's born soon so we can move on to tales of spit up and poopy diapers.

For My Darling Baby Girl: OK just how comfortable are you in there? I've been bouncing around on my exercise ball, drinking raspberry tea leaf, walking (as much as a cripple can) and NOTHING. I know I eat well (you do love those frosted mini wheats!) and have been pretty lazy so it hasn't been TOO bumpy, but Mommy is really tired of having you invade her space like this and both Daddy and I REALLY want to meet you. Let's get this show on the road!

Happy Birthday To Me

2006-06-23T22:23:00.000-04:00

When did I stop caring about my birthday? Remember when we used to count halves, like seventeen and a HALF was such a monumental day. Not any more!

I'm 28 today. Woopie. Nothing special about that number. Corey just gave me the sweetest card. He knows me so well. Anyway, thought I was having the baby this morning when I had ONE cramp. Yea yea, I'm at that stage ok, I just want it to happen! Here's why:

My daughter is 7 1/2 - 8 lbs according to my doctor this week. That's insane. I have an 8 lb baby living inside of me. I'm drinking Raspberry tea right now. Come on baby!

I've done a lot this week...I washed all of her clothes, blankets etc. Put together the diaper genie, swing, bouncy seat. The car is cleaned so we'll install the car seat tomorrow. All that's left is to clean out our bedroom and put the bassinet together. I think this is what they call "nesting". I feel like I have to get it all done. Oh and I'll be packing my hospital bag this weekend too. Bonny gave me a nice light house coat and slippers for my hospital stay.

Here's my hunny, the Dad, and our new AUTO. I absolutely love this car, it has a SUN ROOF. I've never had a sun roof, that's why I'm so excited. It's a great car to drive to, power everything including memory drivers seat. The back seat has a built in booster seat for the kiddo! Oh and the best thing, it only cost $500. Corey knew the guy really well so he gave us a STEAL.

I was playing with my camera and thought the night shots looked ok. They look better when on the camera.

Tomorrow we're going to go to the racetrack to gamble on some horses. I wanted to go see Click at the drive-in but it was the second movie, starting at 12:30am and AFTER the Davinci Code (I want to read the book first) so we decided to forget it. I did have a free dinner at Tuckers Market Place! I'm a sucker for free stuff and hey, it's a buffet so you can't go wrong!

For My Darling Baby Girl: I'm ready. Please be born soon!

Next Time, No Summer

2006-06-19T14:55:00.000-04:00

I don't think there is going to be a "good time" to be pregnant but the summer SUCKS. I'm like less than 3 weeks away from my due date, HUGE and it's freakin 30C+. I can't explain how hot I am all the time. Well except for bed where we have the air conditioning running 24/7 at a very chilly temp. Maybe that's how I'm able to sleep for 11 hours a night. Well minus about 4 pee's, an early morning bowl of cereal and usually about 1/2 hour of thinking (mostly about delivery). I really couldn't imagine having to go to work right now. I'm so lucky I have this vacation time.

Some people say delivering in winter sucks because after the baby is born you can't take him/her out for walks etc. I doubt I'll be taking this baby out during the day. Poor thing will need to be covered so the sun don't hurt her, it's hard to breathe in this humidity/smog and I don't like to sweat, I can't imagine my daughter will like it. I guess I can take her for evening walks now though, but then you have misquitos! West Nile virus!

I think I'll aim for spring or fall. Yea, that sounds like a good plan for the next one.

Tonight is a big night for Corey. The Oilers play the hurricanes for the Stanley Cup. It's the final game, the big show. Corey is SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. If his team wins my daughter is doomed. She'll have no choice but to be an Oilers fan I'm afraid. Daddy is already calling her their lucky charm. I'm a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and Corey HATES that. I will admit I'm rooting for the Oilers tonight though, it's been 13 years since Lord Stanley came home to Canada!

Soap Operas are so stupid. Why do I watch them?

I watched the new show "Treasure Hunters" last night. I'm sorry, Amazing Race kicks it's ass. I don't know why, I just didn't like it! I'm really enjoying Hells Kitchen though. Chef Ramsey is the bomb. This Wednesday my summer favourite starts (kinda). Big Brother. I really liked it when I was bored at work. I'm hoping this year will be fun for me because I can check in on the houseguests at all hours of the day when the baby gets up for a feeding :)

There's no AC in this room and I'm eating dinner. I should get into the TV room where there's a fan blowing.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You have such a personality in there! Between bum rubs and hiccups your Daddy is having a great time getting you going. I however am getting a little concerned with the lack of space you've got in there. I'm peeing all the time, my ribs hurt when you kick me and the pressure you exert when you push your bum into us to be rubbed, ouch! The final countdown is on though. I hope you're excited to meet us!

I'm All Good

2006-06-16T16:05:00.000-04:00

I got the A-ok yesterday on the blood pressure. Right back down to normal. I guess the constant laying around drinking water really did work! Thanks Doc :) The only thing was I did kinda get excited that she could be here that soon. Oh well, back to waiting. It IS better this way.

While going over the possibilities in my mind I thought of all the things I still need to get done before she gets here. The list is quite long. I have to wash all of her clothes, blankets and sheets. We need to get a change table pad, bathtub, rubbing alcohol for her umbilical cord and a bassinet if we're going that route. Corey now wants her to sleep in bed with us. I don't know how I feel about that. I LOVE my sleep and yes, I know I won't sleep the same but I think I'll sleep worse if she's right there in the bed with me, know what I mean? We do want to have her in the room with us for 6 months but I like the idea of her being right beside me in a bassinet that I can just reach over and feel her. I guess that's something we'll decide over the next little while.

Oh, I also have to pack my hospital bag. Just thought of another one, clean the car and install the baby seat base! There is no way we can take the car into the police station in the condition it's in right now. Corey has smoked in it and there is crap EVERYWHERE. It's embarassing. He's going to get it detailed.

I did get all the landry done today. I also cleaned our basement room. I probably over did it but Corey mentioned the drive-in yesterday and I want to go! I want us to spend as much time alone together as possible over these next few weeks.

My work screwed up my leave date and then my pay this week. I didn't need that stress work! I'll get my missing weeks pay next pay period though and I got an apology from the guy who screwed up so I can't harp on it too much.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You're going to keep cooking in there for a while. Mommy likes sleeping in right now so it's all good, but I am anxious to meet you. The doctor told us yesterday that you switched sides! That's neat. I think it's because your dad can't get his head over my big belly onto the other side to talk to you so you just moved to be closer to him :)

Full Term Baby!

2006-06-14T12:29:00.000-04:00

Work is done. Last day was no big deal. Snuck out with my laptop. That made me happy. I feels wierd to know I don't have to go back to work for at least 7 months!

But, I've been kinda distracted. On Tuesday I had my 37 week appointment. Yea, my OBGYN never changed my due date after the Ultrasound, he has me due July 4th! Anyway, my blood pressure is HIGH. The guy checked it 4 times because he was so surprised. I mean I've been bang on all this time! My Montreal trip was promptly cancelled and I'm suposed to "rest" until my next appointment on Thursday.

This has brought my mind into overdrive. Am I having a baby this weekend (he could induce if it gets worse)? Am I ready? Why do I feel so shitty now? Am I stressing myself out? Yea, good times.

So I should get back upstairs to bed.

For My Darling Baby Girl: I'd like you to continue cooking please! I still need a bassinet, we need to clean the car, your clothes, install the car seat....

Big Countdown #1 - 2 1/2 days

2006-06-07T11:28:00.000-04:00

The first of two big countdowns is almost over. In 2 1/2 days I'm done with work for at LEAST 7 months. I don't think I can put my feelings on this into words. I've been working full time since I was 17 years old. The most time I've ever had off in a row was 3 weeks. My vacation before my due date is 4 weeks! I'm excited beyond belief.

In preparation for the vacation I've purchased three books, a birthing book, breast feeding book and a child rearing book. It's going to be all baby thoughts with sleeping in. I can't help it.

Can I just say this past weekend was really and truely great. That's two weekends in a row! This one was different though, it was about Corey and I. Saturday we went to visit with some friends. They have an adorable 3 year old girl and seeing Corey with her melted my heart. He's going to be such a wonderful Daddy. We played my favourite game of all time, Mario Party! I'm so tempted to buy Game Cube just so I can play this game whenever I want but can't justify it, we have PS2.

Sunday we woke up and decided we would go to the Barrie Automotive Flea Market even though Corey's poor truck Henry is still in the shop. When we arrived and he saw all the old classic cars on display he was so sad, he really wanted to show off his baby. That was about the only downer of the day however. I don't know what we expected, car parts everywhere? What we got was the biggest freakin garage sale EVER! There were rows and rows of people selling all knids of STUFF. I mean everything. Sure 50% of it was car parts but that left 50% STUFF! Corey and I were so excited once we realized this and we spent 4 1/2 hours picking over other people's junk. We didn't buy too much, some grandma/grandpa t-shirts for Samantha, a $2 bag of used lighters (we went back for more but couldn't find them), a model airplane made of Coors Light beer cans, a car charger for $1 (that didn't work). We took a few breaks to eat (junk!) and the best place to take a break was at the Beer tent (lucky Corey!). They had a live band, 50/50 draw. The atmosphere was very "country" and we felt right at home. My feet KILLED and I got a nasty sunburn on my neck, all worth it.

After the flea market we headed out onto the country roads to look for this friends cottage. He's selling a convertable Cavalier for cheap so Corey wanted to check it out. The drive was gorgeous and we talked and talked. We even stopped at this nice little side of the road home made furniture place to see if they had baby change tables. They didn't but they had so many nice trinkets. We found the cottage after a couple of hours and it happened to be right near Wasaga Beach so after we saw the car Corey took me for the five cent tour. The beach was really beautiful and the water looked so inviting. The "strip" though was geared for the young teenage crowd, quite the experience. I teased Corey about how he must've been all over the ladies when he partied there as a teenager. We decided to take the back roads home after stopping for a half a sub and then Dairy Queen. I ended up spilling half my banana split all over my pants much to the amusement of Corey. It was seriously one of my best days. It felt great to just be alone with Corey and it's nice to know we were able to do that before the baby was born.

I suffered through Monday, tired, burnt and a little nauseaus. I might have over done it a little with all the walking.

Yesterday I had a GREAT doctors appointment. Samantha has turned!!! She's ready to drop into the birth canal whenever she's ready. He said she's about 6 lbs. and I've done a good job feeding her. My blood pressure was perfect and the doctor said he'd love to see me every day. I have had a text book pregnancy, I'm so very lucky.

Birthing class was both fun and sad. It started out sad for me. Someone asked about maternity leave and how long we should take. I seem to be the luckiest because I have the 4 weeks vacation. The topic evolved into how much time the dads were taking and then into if our Mom's would be there to help afterwards. As soon as she asked the question I turned to Corey and my eyes filled with tears. I didn't know what I was going to say when she asked me and he could see the panic in my eyes. I managed to choke out a small yes when her eyes met mine but then she launched into a story about a client of hers who called crying in despiration. She told us the client was having a hard time in the first few days alone and had recently lost her own mother. Well that was it for me, I told Corey I needed to get out of there and went to the bathroom for a good cry. It was in the bathroom that I realized that yesterday was exactly 6 months from the day she died. I cried it out, blew my nose and left the washroom. Corey was waiting outside the washroom and gave me a big hug. We returned to the room together and everyone was looking at me but I didn't say anything and the class continued.

You think you're doing fine, you think you're "over it" and then wham. Even today I feel sad. The closer I get to having my little girl the more I think about her and how she'll never know her granddaughter. I have so many questions about my own birth, my own infant life and no one to fill in the answers. I'll be ok though, I'm going to be the best Mommy I can be.

Back to the class. We really learned a lot yesterday! About what we'll be going through after delivery, the first few days home with baby. Corey had to burp a doll and then practice swaddling the doll in front of the class. The Dad's were so cute! Once again we felt really good because she asked about the Dad's bonding with the baby and Corey was the only one who really has. All the other Dad's said their baby "didn't like them" and "never moved when they touched them". Corey sat right up and when it was our turn to answer if we massaged the baby he was so proud that he did and that she knew his voice. The teacher told all the other dads in a very concerned voice that they need to bond with the baby.

When we went to bed last night he sang her the ABC's twice and talked her through a hiccup spell. When I asked him if he loved me this morning he said no, he has a new love named Sam. My heart melted! Of course at the end of the conversation he said "I love you", like he always does.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We are getting more and more excited to meet you! We're also worried you're too comfortable in there, you do seem to love your butt massages! That's right, all this time Mommy thought she was rubbing and talking to your head when it's been your BUTT! Silly Mommy. You do like to push that little tush right into me though, and you're so strong! We're going to finish your room up this weekend. We found the perfect dresser/change table and that's the last thing we need. We're ready whenever you are sweetheart!

Last Weekend

2006-06-03T14:07:00.000-04:00

Look at me, a whole week with no update. That's because I wanted to include pictures!!! What's a story about a Baby Shower without pictures?

So on Friday my work took me out for lunch. I was nice, chineese buffet. They got me my Eddie Bauer Travel System! It was the most expensive thing we registered for and I'm so grateful. We have a car seat and stroller now :) They also got me a big basket of clothing, diapers etc. that's beautifully put together. I got spoiled.

Sunday was great. The best people were at my shower, the games were fun and I again got SPOILED. Well Samantha did :) She's going to be styling I tell ya. Not only did I get something from the people at the shower but friends from Montreal and family from New Brunswick sent along gifts!!! I got about a hundred outfits, 3 homemade quilts, knitted outfits and blankets, a diaper bag, diaper genie, diapers, bibs, receiving blankets, shampoos, bottle steralizer, nail clipper/thermometer etc. set, rattles, books...I haven't had time to go through everything again so pictures of the actual items to follow.

Here are some shower pictures though!

Presents:

Me after opening the presents:

The cake, it says "Hello Mummy, Goodbye Tummy"!!

Me cutting the cake:

For My Darling Baby Girl: You have a lot of people that love you already! I can't wait to see you in these adorable outfits :)

Le Ring

2006-05-24T12:05:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of the ring. A good friend asked for a picture of it on my finger, but alas I'm not doing that to myself. I don't want to depress myself any further. I'm pregnant, I'm over it, I'll post a picture of my not-so-fat-anymore hand in oh, 4 months :)

I'd also like to shout a big wOO hOO for the Edmonton Oilers. I'm not a fan fan, just a bandwagoner, but Corey has always been an Edmonton fan so I'm justified in my excitement. It's contageous. Go Leafs Go, but since you're in Canada, I'll cheer for ya this time Oilers.

If they win the cup, my daughter is going to be a fan "by default". Or so Corey thinks. I'll still sneak in a few "Go Leafs Go" whenever I can. We were joking around last night about naming her Samantha Oiler Long if they do win. At least I think we were joking.....

For My Darling Baby Girl: I would never do that to you, I promise. Momma's got yo back.

Better Weekend Than I Thought

2006-05-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

Well..it was supposed to be just a normal long weekend but it turned into the weekend...

I GOT ENGAGED!!!!

Yep, Corey popped the question yesterday, our two year anniversary. It was totally out of left field, I mean I was in the middle of doing laundry, he was watching TV. He asked me into our room in the basement, closed the door behind him...I thought he wanted, well you know. He got down on one knee, gave the speech, asked if I would marry him and then produced the ring! Of course I said yes :) I was so shocked.

It's not a big secret but I've been married before. I had a brief "starter marriage". Met the guy VERY young (17). Had just gotten out on my own, had family issues, big ideas about life. We were together like 7 1/2 years before he proposed and by then I "couldn't imagine my life without him". Reality was we lived separate lives from eachother but clung to the bond we shared. We were married less than 10 months when I broke it off. Truth is, I had found real love and I couldn't give it up to work on a marriage I didn't even believe in anymore. I never should have gotten married, I should have listened to my instincts instead of my head. But I learned many many many lessons and am so thankful for what I have with Corey now. It's what I dreamed of, what I convinced myself didn't really exist outside of TV land or romantic novels. It sounds so corny but now when I read these novels or watch these shows I think "I know exactly how they feel". The passion, the happiness, the intimacy.

So today, with my big gorgeous white-gold heart shaped diamond rock on my pinky finger, I feel so incredibly lucky. My past is my past, my mistake was just that, a mistake. I wouldn't be where I am today had I not lived my life the way I did.

Oh and yes, I did say my ring is on my pinky finger. I'm 8 months pregnant! This baby ain't getting over the knuckle of my ring finger. It's rather depressing.

We haven't really talked wedding yet, figure we'll get the baby out first. Ideally I'd like to get married next spring somewhere tropical with only a very small few guests, if any. I've done the wedding "show" and don't think I have the strength to go through that again. Corey doesn't like being the centre of attention in situations like that so I think he'll totally go for the tropical idea. His mom has already said "well when you go away to get married I'm watching the baby!". In fact, I think that was the first thing she said! Any excuse to babysit she's all over. We've already been told we have to go to Hamilton in September to represent the family while she stays home with the baby.

The other highlights of our long weekend pale in comparison. Got a Costco membership, cleaned the babies room, set up the crib, shopped. Nothing too exciting. I still haven't uploaded my NY pictures, in fact I haven't even looked at them on a computer yet. My bad. I should also take some pictures of the nursery, it's adorable! The crib is gorgeous too.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Your Daddy asked me to marry him this weekend. It was very sweet, very US. I'm a lucky woman. One of my biggest dreams for you is that you'll feel as loved and as lucky as I do when you find that special someone.

Toronto - Pittsburgh - Newark and Back

2006-05-18T11:14:00.000-04:00

What a fun weekend. First let me apologise for not posting pictures today. They're still on the digital camera! My bad.

Let's begin with Friday night. The Oilers were playing the Sharks and Corey went out to watch the game. I went to pick him up at 11:30pm and he was pretty drunk (the Oilers won). I went right to bed since we had to be up at oh, FOUR AM. He had other plans aparently and at 1:30am I heard some strange voice saying "Well someone called for this Pizza and has to pay". I went downstairs and Corey was passed out on the couch. His dad, who was also drunk, was walking around saying he couldn't wake Corey up and that Corey was an idiot. I SCREAMED at Corey to wake up and he did. He had money sitting on his chest and was startled. He said "I'm waiting for my pizza!" and I was like "It's here dumbass." I'm not the politest person when I've been woken from a deep sleep. He at his pizza and probably got to bed at 2am? Needless to say 4am was NOT a good time for Corey.

We made it to the airport by about 4:40am. Our flight was leaving at 6:15am. Customs had a HUGE line and then of course I got stopped by immigration. Last year when Corey and I went to Florida I got stopped and sent into the interrogation room. They asked me all kinds of questions like "where do you work", "why are you going to the US this weekend", "who's going to be with you at the other end". It freaked me out. The customs agent told me that someone with the same exact name and birthday, but different passport number had been through the border and I guess that makes them suspicious. When I went to Philly I forgot my passport and got through OK, but then had to be interrogated, got my finger prints taken and a digital photo taken this trip. The guy said he thinks someone tried to steal my identity. I did have my purse stolen back in like 1998, so that is a possibility! I need to find out if there's anyway to avoid the interrogation though, cause it's kinda embarassing and scary.

The flights were short and sweet. We got there at around 10am and spent the day with my Uncle touring Denville NJ, eating fantastic fat laden foods and doing a bit of shopping. My "family down south" have a beautiful home in a really nice (green) neighbourhood. Corey and I made BBQ and hung out on their deck (where I fell asleep and got sunburnt) with my Uncle. After dinner my cousin and I had some quality alone time doing what we love, shopping. We bought Corey a Do-Rag. Just thinking about it cracks me up.

Sunday we went into NYC. I had a GREAT day! Corey unfortunately didn't like the mass amount of people. Travelling with him is NOT going to be the greatest. We're VERY different travellers. I don't mind crowds and people, I'm just all about the sights I've read about etc. He however would rather just hang out in the country, relaxing. I'd be so bored after like a day. So something we'll have to figure out and work with I guess. I'm sure the kid(s) will change how we travel anyway.

Monday I went out with my Aunt who had returned from Toronto (of all places!) and cousin to TARGET. I've been obsessed with Target for years. My friends in the US mentioned how great it is and I have been dying to go to one. The prices on baby things were GREAT and I wish I could have registered there but otherwise I dunno....it's Zellers. Only really red. I thought the lighting was even reddish. We also went to TJ Max and I got a cute little Baby Enstien set for the baby.

When we checked the Internet for our flight we saw that it was delayed. Bummer, but we went to the airport at the same time we planned anyway. Good thing, we got on an earlier flight that had also been delayed and arrived home 2 hours early! When does THAT ever happen?

So all in all a nice trip and a good "last trip as non-parents". I'll never forget: Whoopie Pies, Stewarts Steak and Cheese, Pittsburgh Steak and Cheese, Whoopie Pies, getting kicked out of a baby store for having muddy shoes, the carriage ride in Central Park, the huge elephant in FAO Schwartz, Whoopie Pies, finding out what actually Yoo Hoo is (yuck!), traffic boredom, my uncle with chalk on his nose, Whoopie Pies, street meat, DVDDVDDVDDVD, the smell of pee, brittney spear's limo and Whoopie Pies.

For My Darling Baby Girl: I wonder if you felt the take off when we were flying. I was massaging your back (at least I think it was your back) to keep you calm and I could tell you liked it. I also think you liked all the walking I did on Sunday because you were very quiet, I imagine lulled to sleep. I promise if I win the lottery you'll get a HUGE stuffed Elephant in your room.

Countdown Keeping Me Busy

2006-05-12T11:38:00.000-04:00

I'm in the final stretch here at work and so my blogging and Internet surfing time is getting severely compromised. It's good that I'm almost done (4 weeks!) but bad because, well, I actually have to do some work around here! Imagine!

So what's been happening. On the weekend we went to the baby show. It was ok, got a lot of free samples of stuff like stretch mark cream. The "Biggest Baby Shower" turned out to be listening to boring speakers for two hours and then getting a bad filled with more stretch mark cream (that was the "free gift" incentive). Not even close to worth the $28 admission we paid for the two of us but I made up for it by winning $100 on a Kentucky Derby pool the same day so all was not lost. We ran into a couple who had a baby last year that we know, they're having another in October as well, so that did make things brighter as well. The Dad came over yesterday and gave Corey a bit of a "wake up" talk about the reality of having a baby, VERY GOOD THING. Corey has no idea how this is going to change our lives. This is the only child who wants six kids!

On Tuesday we had our first pre-natal class. It was a lot of fun! There were 8 couples in total and we were the second "most pregnant" couple. The most pregnant was due July 3rd and the least pregnant was due August 13. The teacher had a super French accent and asked near the beginning who spoke French and I raised my hand! It created a bit of a bond, I noticed she remembered my name. She went through the phases of pregnancy and then labour. We learned some exercises that we need to be working on (Kegals!) and then Corey got to massage my calves and feet. Apparently he should be doing this every night :) (Wait, let me take that smile back, it's Friday and he hasn't rubbed my feet since) I was a bit embarrassed because my feet were obviously swollen and she used them as an "example" of why the massaging needed to happen. She also showed the guys how to rub coconut oil on our bellies to create "bonding time" with the baby. She was VERY impressed to hear that Corey talks to Samantha every night and that she knows his voice. The other guys kinda made fun of him because he said he likes to sing her the ABC's (you know guys, they were like "awww, how cute" in a very sarcastic way) but Corey was beaming with pride. We left the class feeling very happy and close.

Oh! Corey booked us a trip to New Jersey to visit my cousin Heather this weekend! I think he could tell that I was getting anxious about Mother's day and needed to get away. I couldn't believe he got tickets, I was unable to find ANY to Minneapolis and New Jersey for the following long weekend. We leave tomorrow at 6:15am (yikes!) and come back home on Monday night. I'll be calling in sick on Monday and get two long weekends in a row! It should be fun, we're going to do the NYC tour thing on Sunday and on Monday I'm going to TARGET. I know, what's her excitement over TARGET of all places. My online friends from the US have mentioned it so much and I've never been so it's going to be cool to finally know what they're all talking about. We don't have much money to spend but don't need much really. Our Canadian dollar is ROCKING at over 0.90 so we're not getting slaughtered. I'll have some pictures next week!

I had my 32 week Doctors appointment today. I've only gained ONE POUND in the last 2 1/2 weeks! Go me! I rock! Baby is growing perfectly and has a "strong heartbeat". Passed my sugar test, "perfect" blood pressure...all is good.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You still haven't turned for us. I'm going to ask your Dad to start talking lower to you so maybe you'll move towards his voice. You have to be head down by the time you're ready to come out if we're going to do this vaginally. Mommy doesn't want to get cut up! (but will if she has to) Mommy would also like to avoid an induction if at all possible so take another 6-8 weeks to get ready and then come on out ok! Daddy and Mommy are getting anxious to finally meet you.

Pregnancy Brain

2006-05-03T09:49:00.000-04:00

I had too much to write yesterday and blogger wasn't workin for me....Now I can't remember what I wanted to write. I blame pregnancy brain. I do have it you know. I feel like a stoner sometimes. Things like work phone numbers, numbers that I've been using for YEARS, gone. The people around me have starting cashing in on my little "issue" as well. They've all got "pregnancy brain" all of a sudden. It must be contagious.

Oo! I just remembered what I wanted to write about! Yesterday was Daniel's 14th birthday. I can't believe my baby brother is FOURTEEN. I remember the day he was born, my mom woke me up at 2am. I was 13, almost 14 at the time. I had expressed interest in helping her delivery the baby and she had agreed to let me help. At the time I wanted to be a doctor :P So at 2am on a Friday night she's telling me that it's time and I need to get up. I told her I was asleep and that I couldn't wake up. She knew that I wouldn't want to miss it and she persisted! I did wake up eventually and my mom was sitting at the kitchen table having a coffee or something. I was in panic mode of course, LET'S GO! She told me we had plenty of time. Then her water broke, so we called her friend who was driving us to the hospital and off we went. They checked her in and things were pretty uneventful. My mom walked up and down the hall to help deal with the contractions. They started getting pretty intense and she asked for an epidural. The nurses told her the anesthesiologist wasn't there and that she couldn't get one! My mother turned to me and asked me to get her stuff, we were taking a taxi to another hospital. No way mom! I told her we were staying right there. I think the nurses thought that was pretty amusing. Things moved along and soon enough she was fully dilated and ready to push. I let her squeeze my arm and fed her ice chips. They scared us a bit when Daniel's heartbeat dropped by mentioning the possibility of the cord being around his neck but he came out at 7:36am perfectly healthy. I cried my eyes out. The nurses and doctor made me feel like a million bucks by telling me I was a great coach and helper. They said I'd make a great doctor and that I was very mature. I just stood there staring at my little baby brother, listening to him cry.

Daniel and I have been close ever since. I remember taking him to visit friends at their school when he was like 2 months old. I brought pictures into school and beamed with pride. I even took turns feeding him for my mom (he was bottle fed), waking up at all hours. I was the first person he ever threw up on.

I moved to Toronto when he was about 5 or 6 and shortly after he went to go live with his father. It became my responsibility to keep in touch with him. His father never initiated contact with me and never encouraged Daniel to keep in touch. There have been issues between his father and I over the years. This man doesn't have much of a filter when it comes to his mouth. He also uses drugs regularly and lives a pretty shaddy life. I work around it though and haven't missed a single birthday or Christmas present. Daniel has also been down to Toronto every single year for at least a week to spend time with me. When he was younger I'd sometimes drive down to Montreal and back with him in one day. Now that he's older I send him plane and train tickets. I always want him to know that I'm there for him, no matter what.

Talked to him last night to say Happy Birthday. He had just returned from a movie and was in a great mood. He loves Corey I tell ya. They talked and talked and talked. Corey knows all the good "boy questions" to ask. He had given me his new address last week and gave me the wrong street number so he was a bit upset about his package but I called Canada Post and he should be able to go get it at the post office tonight. We got him a new spring jacket and a $50 gift certificate for an X-box game. I also sent him the 3D pictures of Samantha and some belly shots of me. For Christmas we sent him a calendar with pictures of him and us in it and he's mentioned it both times we've called this week so I better remember to send him another one next year :)

Last night we went for our hospital pre-registration and tour. OMG I almost started crying I was just so overwhelmed. Seeing the birthing room, the little "crib" she'll be staying it..it was scary. When they were making my file they asked if I had ever been to the hospital and I said no but I had been born there. Well they looked me up and I was actually in the system from the birth! I have the same hospital number as I had then and it was kinda neat thinking about how Corey and I had both been in those same rooms when we were born. But yea, SCARY. Right now the unknown is freaking me out. I can't wait to get to that "I just want to get her out" stage.

Not much went on this weekend. Did some shopping, hung out and enjoyed the nice weather. We got the backyard all set up and organized so we can sit out there on the patio sets. Corey and I love hanging out playing crib, eating and drinking. I won't be participating in the drinking this year *cry*. I'll have to start experimenting with "mocktails".

For My Darling Baby Girl: We saw where you're going to be born yesterday and it really hit me, we're having a baby. They showed us the little sleep thing you wear, the bracelet, the crib thing....We're really doing this. We're really having you! In about 2 months you're going to want to come out and join us and my whole world is going to change forever. I can't even begin to explain to you how much just writing that freaks me out. I love your Daddy so much and we're going to do this. We're going to have you!

What Do You Say When Life Is Just "Good"

2006-04-28T11:40:00.000-04:00

The first two days of this work week I was in training. Let me tell you, I don't remember a THING from the session LOL It was hard concentrating. I'm a very hands on learner so sitting there watching someone fiddle around on their own computer through a projector...YAWN. We have two new people in our group and they seem very nice and eager to learn. I wonder how long that will last. This place sucks the life outta people I tell ya.

I was training the new people yesterday. I *love* teaching and training. I really should go get an Adult Education certificate. Teaching an actual class in a school might be too much for me now, too much school, but a certificate at a college I can handle. Most of the courses are offered through the Internet anyway! It's something I could use to help me get a good job in New Brunswick, that's for sure.

Talked to my baby brother Daniel on Tuesday night. Baby, what am I saying? He turns FOURTEEN on Tuesday! I can't believe how time flies. I can still remember the day he was born. The fear I felt when the doctors said they were worried the cord was wrapped around his neck and then the elation I felt when he came out OK and started crying. He's had a hard life since and is no where near the typical 14 year-old, but he's my brother. He'll always hold a VERY special place in my heart. I send him a birthday gift every year so we have some shopping to do this weekend. I'm going to get him a spring jacket and a gift certificate so he can get an X-box game. He's finishing his first year of high school in June and I think we'll be down for my mom's burial that weekend so I'd like to bring him back here for a week or two. I usually spend time with him in the summer and I figure I should do it this year before the baby is born. Maybe again after, but I'd like some time with him just the two of us before my life changes forever.

Yesterday Corey called me because he was driving and came across a plane crash. He was freaking out, said there were suitcases lined up along the median and everything. Of course I googled the info we had and went to every local news website and found NOTHING. Found that very peculiar. He called back a few minutes later and said it was a movie set :P I had to drive by in on my way home and it was pretty real looking, but obviously a movie set if you knew that's what it was. I guess other people who passed it by have been calling the news stations etc. because this morning they showed the set on TV and said not too worry LOL

Had my 30 week doctors appointment this week. Everything is progressing fine. Had a bad weigh in again. I just can't get motivated to exercise!! It's bad. I'm going to have so much work to do once the baby is here. Hopefully I get my motivation back when I get my body back.

No plans for this weekend. Would like to finish the babies room and maybe probably watch a lot of movies.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You're getting bigger and bigger in there. Your kicks are stronger and my belly really moves now when you're active. You still like Daddy time best, I'm a little jealous. He tells EVERYONE about how you push right into him when he sings to you. If you're on the other side of me I can feel you move towards him now. It must be love.

WPT Here I Come!

2006-04-25T12:50:00.000-04:00

Had a really nice weekend. Friday night we pretty much did nothing. No wait, we watched a movie. Fun with Dick and Jane. Nothing spectacular, nice and fluffy. After that we watched some "Fridays Without Borders" on Showcase. I won't go into what that means, my daughter will be reading this one day! If you're dying to know I'll e-mail you or leave a message in your blog. How's that?

Saturday Corey and I had a bit of a scuffle. He wanted to clean clean clean and I wasn't feeling particularly cleany so I whined. That started the ball rolling and things escalated into quite the fight. We're both very opinionated, hard headed, smart (I think) and can't lose. Oh and passionate, so our fights can get quite heated. At one point I was sitting in the car in front of the house with Corey's cell phone, Corey was outside in front of the house smoking a cigarette and I was supposed to be calling my cousin to say we weren't going to make it to the anniversary party. Well he came back to the car after his smoke, asked why I didn't call. I told him I didn't know what to say so he said then lets just go. We went. That's how we fight.

We actually made it on time to the restaurant (2 hour drive) with time to spare! I was worried I wouldn't recognize anyone because of my pregnancy brain (seriously, it's bad) and for the first 20 minutes I didn't know anyone so my panic was heightened. Luckily my Aunt's sister showed up and I had met her before. I thought I recognized her and was saved by someone saying "That's Jackie's Sister!" out loud before she reached our end of the table. My Aunt and Uncle were pleasantly surprised. Apparently my cousin Norman has had surprise parties before where every neighbour and customer they'd ever met was invited so they had demanded no party. He did good though and kept it small and intimate so he saved his own butt.

After dinner my Aunt and Uncle went to their theme roomed hotel to do whatever people do on 25th wedding anniversaries. We went back to the house with my cousins and once the kids were in bed the alcohol and poker chips arrived. One of my cousins spends a lot of time playing poker, online, with friends and in tournaments. Well guess what sober little me did? Kicked butt! I won! It was down to him and I but I had a HUGE chip lead. I had taken out all of the others before him so he had to go all in on almost every hand and I won. I was pretty happy about that. The buy in was only $5 and Corey and my cousin's gf had each bought back in for another $5 so I won like $30. Next game my cousin got brave and I swear I took him out on like the 4th or 5th hand. I ended up winning that game too! Another $20. I'm signing up for the World Poker Tour tomorrow.

I had a rough sleep that night. We only got to bed at like 3am and the mattress was tooo soft so I had the hardest time rolling over and my limbs kept falling asleep. Made it through a day of visiting on Sunday but was in bed by 9pm that night.

Last night Corey almost got arrested. Good times eh? It's a long story but basically Corey lost his cool. He didn't hit anyone but he grabbed this guy and he called the cops because he's a pussy. No I'm serious, we all think he's in the closet. The cops loved Corey and the guy who called the cops said he wouldn't press charges if Corey paid him CASH. Money that Corey's Uncle owed him (that's what started the whole thing). We paid him the money, got a receipt and the cops had some really nice words for Corey. He admitted he was wrong (to the cops, not the a$$hole), co-operated and paid the money. We got a receipt for the money and it said the matter was over with. Good thing too because then this morning this guy calls the house and says his neck and back hurt so we'd be hearing from his lawyer! The cops are NOT going to be pleased about this. Corey is mucho angry but he's keeping his cool. I think he knows he only got the one shot. Should be interesting to see how this plays out, the guy screwed himself now. His mom is Corey's mom's like best friend and we know he's desperate for money to buy a house. I can't believe someone so stupid exists in this world.

Drama drama drama.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You scared me on Sunday and I know, it's your Dad's fault. He'd had a bit too much to drink and it was like 5am when he came to bed so you didn't get your ABC's. Did you have to NOT MOVE the entire next morning though? I had some serious cramping during the night so I was about to go into labour and delivery. I know I know, we kept you up till 3am so you were probably sleeping. He promised me last night that he won't miss another nighttime song with his baby (or Mommy will KILL him, heh).

Back Breaking....Painting?

2006-04-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

The long weekend is over and of course, it wasn't long enough. Sleeping in for three days REALLY did me good but then it also did me bad. I couldn't get to sleep early enough on Sunday night so I was exhausted on Monday and then of course you just can't catch up until the following weekend. Ugh. I need to remember that this is going to be my life, sleep deprived, for like the rest of my life. STOP WHINING and GET USED TO IT.

Friday was pretty boring. Everything was closed so we kinda sat around going "I wish I could go shopping". We had nothing we needed to buy, I think just knowing that everything was closed made us bored. Funny how that works. We did rent the movie "King Kong" though. I don't know if it was my hormones or what but man, I was deeply moved by that movie! The scene with the killer bugs made me scream. I can't think of a movie where I've been so physically scared. Then of course when they brought King Kong to the US and later when he died I *bawled* my eyes out. Corey's not a crier and usually makes fun of me a little but I think he could see that my hormones had obviously taken over because yes, I always cry but no, I don't always SOB.

Saturday we went out to home depot and bought paint for the babies room. We got light blue for the top half of the walls, dark blue for the bottom and for $9 we got a premixed and castaway pinky/purple. After he worked on his truck for like 7 hours, Corey painted the two blues (and two coats of each at that!) and I must say, it looks fantastic. The Finding Nemo border paper will look great in between them. I was in charge of masking the walls and boy, it was hard to maneuver around that room with this giant belly. My legs STILL ache and my back, well, I need to book a massage.

I watched the movie "The Weatherman" on Saturday. It was a good movie. I really got into it. No crying or anything but I liked the story. Wait, I think I watched this movie on Sunday. Yes that's right, Sunday morning! Pregnancy brain.

Sunday I masked the walls again for the pink trim and white ceiling. Corey finished that in the evening and the room looks FANTASTIC. The pink trim girled it up and I was REALLY excited at the end of the day. Corey told me we have to take lots of pictures so she'll appreciate all our hard work LOL We exchanged Easter chocolates and I must admit, I haven't had a single one yet. I'm afraid to, I'll admit it. I don't want to get out of control!

Monday I got home from work and did a pink stencil border around the top of the room. Well I did half, the other half is getting finished tonight. The Finding Nemo border paper is probably going up tonight too. If Corey can figure out how to use a laser level that is. This could mean pictures by the end of the week so watch for 'em!

The weather has been so gorgeous. I hate sitting here in this stuffy office. It's getting harder and harder to be here I tell ya. I finally started training my replacement though so the end is in sight! It's a crazy feeling when you think about it. I have worked full time since I was 17. The longest I've had off was 3 weeks. My vacation leading up to maternity is 4 weeks! My plan for those 4 weeks is to SLEEP IN. I'm serious, that's it.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Thought I'd give you a Daddy-time update. You guys seem to have a schedule now. He talks to you every night before bed and you are the most active when he does. In case you've been wondering what he's been singing to you, it's the ABC's. He does it first in English and then in French. He did great with the French on his first try. He just got stuck at W. Last night he changed the alphabet up a bit to include "Sam likes listening to me" (where the L-M-N-O-P usually goes). I still think you'll be a genius.

Feeling Good Today

2006-04-13T14:11:00.000-04:00

Wow, I've slacked off on updating this week! It was a busy/short/tiresome week that's why. Leave me alone, I'm pregnant.

So Heather came up for a visit this weekend. I love my little cousin so much. She's mini-me! Only I think she's cooler than I was at that age. I didn't have a convertible. She arrived Saturday pretty tired so we hung out at home catching up. Sunday Corey and I took her to Mandarin Chinese Buffet. It was super yummy but I couldn't eat as much as I used to. I did eat a nice big plate of deserts though! What a switch for me, I was never a big sweet eater. After the restaurant we dragged our stuffed bellies over to the big mall. I liked shopping with Heather, she didn't stop in every single "regular size girl" clothing store like Tammy did. Doing that with Tammy just made me feel depressed. Actually, Heather didn't even buy anything, but I did! Two pair of much needed shoes. I've worn them both this week and am VERY happy with my purchases.

After mall time we headed over to my Aunt's for girl-cousin-bonding-time. It was nice seeing everyone and being together at these ages/places in life. The fondue was a great idea, it was interactive and fun. My favourite was the chocolate covered bananas. There was no tension and although obvious to me that some didn't particularly want to be there I thought everyone did their best to get along. I have to remember the ages of these cousins, you've got the selfish age, the discovering-who-I-am-age and the I-think-I'm-better-than-everyone age. I've been through all three of those ages myself and am preparing to raise a girl through them all so it's nice to have that insight and see the illustrations of those behaviours. What bothers me is what's said to family afterwards etc. Some are very quick to judge when I don't feel it's their place to do so and I see it being a pattern that's getting passed along to our generation. That saddens me. I think about my mom and how judged she always felt by people in our family. People in glass houses should not throw stones. We all have issues and should worry about ourselves a little more and less about those who are "doing worse". No one's life travels down a smooth straight road. I think we should try and encourage so others are there for us when we hit one of those bumps instead of laughing at/condemning others when they have taken a wrong turn.

So yea, interesting evening. Amazing how we've all grown up and what people we've turned into. We never really got together much while growing up so it's like getting to know these new people who you've known existed your whole (or their whole) life.

I took Monday off and Heather and I did a bit more shopping. I got some stuff for the baby and had my car "Coffee'd". What the heck does that mean? Imagine walking out to your car and as you get closer to it you realise that there's some liquid all over it. You look around, no one else has been "rained on". You look up, no trees or birds nearby! As you get closer you start smelling a very recognisable smell....coffee. You then notice an empty run-over cup of coffee sitting on the ground in the parking spot next to you. Dammit, someone probably put a cup of coffee on their roof top, got into their car and drove off forgetting about it. There were pools of coffe sitting on my windshield wipers. We got a good laugh in though, it was pretty funny. Heather thought it was a little funnier than I though and spit chocolate milk all over the inside dash. I'd most definately been "creamed".

Heather left early Tuesday morning and I made the mistake of going straight to work instead of going back to bed. I need to remember that every minute of sleep helps win this battle. I've been a walking zombie for the rest of the week. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. It's suposed to rain too, I'll be nice and cozy.

Had my 28 week doctors appointment on Tuesday! I only gained 3 lbs this month! Yippee! I was sooooo happy when she weighed me. Then the doctor did his thing. He felt around and said she's measuring 30 weeks but that doesn't change my due date, it just means she's a BIG BABY! Oh great, another thing to worry about, delivering a BIG BABY. I have to go for a glucose test and am now seeing my doctor every 2 weeks, it's onto the third trimester!

I had three feel good moments this week. Yesterday at Winners the cashier asked when I was due and said I look "fantastic". She said it looks like a big baby but that I'm taking really good care of myself and still look "skinny" everywhere else. A co-worker said almost the exact same thing to me today :) Only she said fabulous tee hee. It's nice that the exercise and healthy eating is paying off. I want to be a healthy mommy! I just got back from the mall and while bra shopping one of the associates told me, out of the blue, that I looked really cute. The smile still hasn't left my face and I did buy from her store LOL.

Here's my 27W 1D picture taken this weekend at the "soiree".

I don't know which one I like better (or worse) so here's the other:

And for fun, here's my "cool" cousin Heather (I hope you don't mind me putting this here!):

For My Darling Baby Girl: Your Dad and I bought some Finding Nemo border paper yesterday. You're going to have an "Under The Sea" room! I hope you like it. What am I saying, you won't even remember it will you. I mean I don't know what kind of theme room I had when I was...born! We're being silly though, analyzing every little thing we put into it. It's only because we love you that much already and want nothing but the best for our baby girl.

One Word

2006-04-06T14:43:00.000-04:00

The way I've been feeling this week can be summed up into one small word: Tired. To further elaborate, I'm EXHAUSTED. I don't know what's happening, I'm sleeping terribly! I wake up half way through the the night and either start thinking, get hungry or feel achy. Flipping from one side to the other takes serious WORK. This belly is heavy! It doesn't help that half of my body falls asleep (numb) every couple of hours FORCING me to flip. I just lie there waiting for my alarm to ring. Yesterday I got up and went to work early (and my co-workers were SHOCKED to see me). Half way through the day I can't even read the screen on my computer. I have no motivation to be here, not getting any work done. How many more weeks of this?

I did go do something nice last night, I went to aquafitness!!! It was soooo much fun and the other three girls in the class were super! They were chatty and friendly, I had such a good time. We had to do some deep water stuff and everyone used flutter boards but the instructor made me use TWO pool noodles so I wouldn't lose my balance. I can't wait to go back next week. It didn't seem like a tough work-out but man oh man I'm hurting today! I got a decent sleep considering the sleeps of late but nothing near my usual konk outs. I could have bailed, both Tammy and Bonnie couldn't make it (back problems, no bathing suit) but I'm determined to not gain too much more weight. I hope my efforts have paid off. I find out next Tuesday how much I've gained this week. If it's another huge number I think I'll die. It's been a MONTH since I had an ice cream! Wait no, I've had two. STILL, I went from one a day to TWO in one month! I need a good result or I fear I'll feel this "suffering" hasn't been worth it. I so rarely ate ice cream before I got pregnant. So wierd.

My cousin is coming into town this weekend from New Jersey. Should be a fun weekend! I think I'll take her shopping on Sunday and Sunday evening we're having a girl-cousins-dinner at my Aunt's place. The menu is Fondue. YUUUUUM. I hope we can find the cheese to make it because I'm on a cheese kick. Believe it or not I could go without the chocolate! I'm bringing my camera to take some pictures, keep an eye out next week.

Oh! We decided on the theme for our nursery, Under The Sea! We bought these cute underwater animals at Ikea, 2 "star fish" lamps, an underwater theme curtain, fish stickers, fish mobile, an aquarium toy for the crib, an aquarium monitor and have already seen some crib sets and border paper on Ebay that would be awesome! Next thing is to paint, maybe we'll do that easter weekend. I'll post progress pictures as we get things ready.

For My Darling Baby Girl: I'm sorry for the shaking yesterday. Brittney (9) and Madison (5) wanted to feel you move and I was trying to wake you up. Of course the girls thought it was hilarious and had to shake you as well. I was all paranoid that I killed ya or something but you've been kicking me today so I guess you're not too upset (or dead). I only realised that I could have hurt you when the aquafitness lady told me to not perform the jumping moves. Doh!

It's Official

2006-03-31T14:31:00.000-05:00

We're home owners! As of today we own a house in New Brunswick. Unbelievable. I'm also officially dirt poor LOL Well at least until we get the rent money from the renters. Then we're about 0.0002% less poor than we are now LOL It's nice though, we can start chiping away at the mortgage and line of credit and eventually MOVE. Have I mentioned that I hate this city?

Ask me what I'm doing this weekend? Going to a fisher price sale. They have this really awesome sale that we stumbled upon last weekend. 25% off the already low warehouse prices. We're going to get a monitor, vibrating seat and probably a few other things. How can you resist a sale like this? I mean it's all BABY STUFF and well, we're having a baby!

That reminds me of something funny Corey said today when I called him to let him know the house was a done deal. I said it's official, we own a house and he said, "It's all coming together! Soon we're going to own a baby too!". Hahahahaha. That made me laugh out loud.

It's been super nice weather wise around here. There's a good side to that and a bad side. The good thing is when I'm outside I feel energised, happy, warm. The bad thing is when I'm inside here at work I want nothing more than to be outside. How many more weeks of work??? TEN. 48 work days (there are two stat holidays to remove).

Another neat thing about today, my due date is 99 days away. I'm into the double digit count down people! ACK!

For My Darling Baby Girl: You little bugger. I thought you were going to take after me and sleep in in the mornings but the last few days you've been kicking me awake! Mommy gets cranky if she doesn't get enough sleep ya know. I'm sure that'll all change once you're born and I have NO CHOICE but to wake up but for now could we keep it down a little before 8am?

Too Perfect For Words

2006-03-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

Here she is, Samantha Catherine Long. She has Mommy's nose and Daddy's mouth/chin. We were lucky to get this shot because she kept putting her hands in front of her face!

Here she is licking herself! Seeing her do this was sooooo cute. She has a really long tongue!

Here's a body shot. The ultrasound tech said she has a "big belly" and is Chubby. I knew those McFlury's were paying off!

So we went to the Ultrasound place and watched her swim around for 37 minutes. For the most part her hands were in front of her face and we had to say "move baby" about a million times. At one point she was getting frustrated with us shaking her and she turned around and put her butt in our faces. Nice! Corey and I loved the experience. We have the whole thing on DVD and 37 pictures on CD. These are momento's she'll be able to share with her own kids.

Afterwards we went to register at Walmart and BabiesRus. Our Walmart registery can be found at www.walmart.com and the BabieRus at www.babiesrus.ca Walmart's website sucks, you have pretty much no pictures because nothing is available online, you have to use the registry machine in the store. BabiesRus (found at any ToysRus) had a LOT of stuff, we should have gone there first. It was perfect timing to go though because we were high from the ultrasound and in full baby mode. We did register for some bedding but I think we might change it. I think it's a little too plain and not gender specific. Let's see if I can convince Daddy.

For My Darling Baby Girl: You are too cute! Daddy sleeps with his arms at his face and so do you. You have my nose though (you'll thank me I'm sure). It was the first thing I noticed about you actually. So cute and perfect, like mine! Ha ha. It was nice to confirm that you're a girl, I really would have been dissapointed otherwise. Your dad would have as well, he's already considering you his princess. The only problem with seeing you like that, I now can't wait until I hold you in my arms. Time is suddenly moving a lot slower.

Where has the week gone?

2006-03-24T10:06:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who does this? I wake up every Monday morning and think to myself omg, I have a whole week of work in front of me. But I bet it'll be Friday before I know it. Then..before you know it, it's Friday. Yea OK this is rather pointless to write about but I do think about that! Time seems to just FLY. I get anxious when I really start thinking about it. I mean before I know it I'll be 54 and my DAUGHTER will be 27.

I woke up last night and started getting anxious thinking about actually delivering this baby. I mean how the heck am I going to do this? I calm myself down by thinking to myself about the millions of women who do it every day. But still...the pain? The uncertainty? Ripping? Pushing? THE PAIN?

I smell good. Went to a "Spa Party" on Wednesday and of course bought something. I bought a nice smelling body spray and some eye things (you put them on your eyes to relax). The party itself was nice, all the girls had very young children and the demonstrator was pregnant so it was baby talk galore. Saw some of the newborn diapers, they're so tiny! I can't believe I'm going to have something living and breathing that fits in them. Anyway, we got to have hand treatments, feet treatments, face treatments and passed around a nice warm neck relaxer thing. I didn't book a party of my own and asked her to not call me in a few months to see if I changed my mind. Score one point for living with the in-laws, what a great excuse!

Took a hit in the emotions department. On Wednesday morning Neil sent me a text message saying "I miss her so much". I started bawling at my desk. Good thing my neighbour wasn't at his desk. I wrote him back "I know you do. You always will". I gave it a bit of thought before I responded. I didn't want to say "I do too" because I didn't want it to be about me, I didn't want to tell him "It's going to be OK" because it won't always....it just hits you sometimes. I phone him later and he said he'd had a bad morning but that he was better. Really though, it broke my heart. They were so close...heck they lived next door to eachother. He saw her every day. He wasn't alone. How could she do this do him of all people. How could she set it up so he would be the one to find her. He was her child.

So Wednesday was a down day. The spa party helped keep my mind off things. Corey is working evenings this week so I've been pretty much on my own every evening. I think I'm going to go swimming tonight, it's "Women Only" at the local pool. This means a trip to the maternity store for a bathing suit...uh oh! Need. To. Control. Spending.

For My Darling Baby Girl: On Sunday we get to see you at our 3D Ultrasound! I can't wait to see what you look like and how much you've grown. My friends told me I'll even be able to see if you have hair! Afterwards we're going to go register for gifts for the shower your grandma is having for me. Your Dad and I are probably going to have a few differences of opinion on certain things. I'll do my best! See you Sunday.

Is There A Prescription For "Shopaholic"?

2006-03-20T15:21:00.000-05:00

Hello. My name is Sarah and I'm a shopaholic.

I really do have a problem. This is no joke! So this weekend...

Friday was nice. Took Corey out for some green beer (I wanted a Shamrock shake but McDonalds doesn't make them anymore!). I had a fish dinner because as far as I'm concerned I'm not gaining anymore weight ( ya right). No but seriously, I'm going to try and be good from now on. I had an orange shake but it was a holiday (and the only ice cream I had all weekend thank-you-very-much!). We didn't stay out long because we were both tired but it was nice to get out just the two of us.

Saturday morning Tammy and I went out for breakfast. We went to Perkins and had a lovely time. Our good time then continued at our biggest mall in Ontario, Vaughn Mills Mall. Holy Moly did we walk (good thing, need EXERCISE!). I bought some cute underwear for myself, boxers for Corey and some sleep pants for Corey. Oh and I bought some body butter for my belly (though it might be too late - stretch mark city!). Tammy got a lot of cute clothes for amazing deals, sigh. Next year! Nothing fit me of course. We did go to another mall though and I bought two t-shirts. They were a bit expensive but I wanted to try my iron-on transfer paper. When we got home we helped Corey a bit with the lasagna preparation and then I went and picked up my Auntie Lianne who was coming by for a visit. We had a nice visit, played some crib, ate like pigs and I got to bed quite late (1am!).

Tammy woke me up on Sunday to go back out shopping. Good thing Corey needed the car so we got a late start and only had a couple of hours of open store time. We hit the dollar store (where I spend $15 freakin' dollars, I know, HOW?) then Home Depot. She got some paint and I looked at border paper. They had a cute "Precious Moments" one that I showed Corey later. He liked it too but would still like to "get creative" and make our own little designs etc. We'll see, I think we're a little too lazy for a project like that. I dragged Tammy to a maternity clothes store and tried on half the damn place. $85 later (pants, skirt and 3 shirts!) we headed home. See what I mean by PROBLEM? I'm closing on a house in less than two weeks!!! I'm getting our taxes done tonight so I hope I get back a LOT of money, I need it.

I have avoided my online banking website (usually checked daily) all day because I'm afraid of the damage. If I don't see it it didn't happen right?

This eating healthy thing SUCKS. First off, when I was having a McFlury/Shake/Drumstick daily the heartburn was MUCH better. It's back with a vengeance, cruel cruel body. Second, I never woke up in the middle of the night to eat. That had completely stopped. Well I've had to get up the last two nights in a row because I was STARVING. I even tried having soup before bed last night and was still up ("Soup? You think soup can replace ICE CREAM? Are you high?" said my body). So I get up and have my little cup of fruit mixed with cottage cheese. High in protein! Ugh. I should have been more careful and spaced out the ice cream all along. When will I learn? Next baby, I promise.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Do you know how to wrap your Daddy around your little finger already or what? Kicking him EVERY time he talks to you now has him smitten. He calls and asks how his baby girl is doing. At first I thought he meant me but NOPE, I no longer exist. I'm just the vessel carrying his precious baby girl. I do love it though. Seeing his face light up when you do it melts my heart. This morning you were dead asleep - you don't like mornings, just like your mom - and he started talking to you...you kicked him 7 times, we counted. How did you like that music we played for you yesterday? Your dad isn't too happy that I'm playing hard core hip hop so we'll keep those blaring car rides to ourselves ok? You can blame him for the Bedouin Soundclash 50 million times, it's currently his favourite song.

Work work and more work

2006-03-16T15:27:00.000-05:00

I'm hella busy at work lately. We're implementing a new customer on Monday and things are NOT going too well testing wise. Lucky me gets to fix ALL the little mistakes that are made. Yahoo. This week has just flown by though, which is nice. 12 weeks left of work!!!!!!! I might have to work this weekend but that just means more $$$$. My raise kicked in this week too so the money will be even more! I hope Corey has to work.

I have a doctors appointment this evening. My 24 week appointment. I am NOT looking forward to finding out how much weight I've gained. My belly has really popped since my 20 week appointment so there's got to be some extra weight there. Add to that all the junk I've been eating and.....I'm scared. I also hate peeing in a cup.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's day! Green beer! Oh wait...nevermind. Last year was my best St. Patrick's Day EVER. As soon as I told Corey I had never had green beer he took me out to a bar for some. The bar was an Irish bar and they had it decked out with decorations and even had some dancers perform throughout the day. The Irish music was blaring and the atmosphere was festive. The best part was the bar was just down the road from us so we walked. We drank and drank and drank, I don't think either one of us remembered leaving! In fact, I didn't make it into work the next day :) I had my first "real" St. Patrick's Day celebration at the age of 26. I was so happy he took me and we experienced that and am even more so now because we may never get to do it again (well together like that). Certainly not this year eh?

I've been in a GREAT mood lately, not tired and cranky at all. This is probably why women say being pregnant is great, I could easily focus on this stage and not the others.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Yesterday you did the best thing ever. Your Dad talked right into my belly to say goodnight to you and he had his head resting right on my belly. When he talked you kicked him right in the cheek! Both of us felt it and he was so proud. He's convinced you knew it was him and that you love him already. He's probably right! I can't get my head down there so I hope you hear me too. I know you definitely love the ice cream treats I've been eating every evening. Your kicks are the strongest after one of those suckers. Anything sweet gets you going though :)

Miserable

2006-03-13T14:55:00.000-05:00

I hate being sick. I'm doing enough whining in my "real life" so I'm not going to do much more of it here. Just that one line. Thought you should all know.

Weekend was boring. Spent most of it in bed, sick. That's not whining!

I had a pretty cool dream last night. There was this Interac promotion where if you went to a gas station between 7pm and 8pm and used your Interac card you could win between $100,000 and $1,000,000. The earlier you swiped the less money you got. So we heard no one had swiped at the gas station so we headed over. We were behind this car and it was like a race. We passed the card and ran in, grabbed some peanuts(?) and swiped. It was 7:52 so we were VERY close to 8pm. The clerk ran the transaction through then took our receipt and scanned it into the lottery terminal. We won $811,000! Corey and I agreed to split it and I remember both of us deciding to give his parents $50,000 each and then my brothers $50,000. Wierd eh?

Baby is getting more active and I'm getting MORE HUNGRY. I'm starving all the time all of a sudden. I need to remember to bring more food to work.

I got this joke at work today and I can't figure it out. I swear I've read the thing like 100 times. If someone can shed some light on it for me I'd be eternally grateful. Here goes:

THE BLONDE'S NEW PRESENT
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice fortheir first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains toher all the features on the phone.The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's herhusband."Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"She replies, "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as abell but there's one thing I don't understand though.""What's that, baby?" asks the husband."How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

For My Darling Baby Girl: Your room has progressed about 0%. We've also not purchased a single thing for you (well except for a few cute can't-resist outifts. I'm afraid like everything else I do I'm going to procrastinate. It'll all be here ready for you before you get here though, I promise!

SCARED!!!!!!!!

2006-03-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

I am now officially frightened. This is NOT me but I'm so scared that it could be! I never imagined a belly could get this big. And there's no turning back!

Day At Home

2006-03-09T17:23:00.000-05:00

I stayed home today from work. My throat hurts!!! I also have a headache. I think I'm coming down with a cold. I was all ready to go to work, albeit very late, but when I called Corey he was on his way home!! So I decided to stay home. If the cold gets worse it'll be the weekend anyway right? LOL

I'm wearing my nice new maternity clothes so I thought I'd better take some pictures.

Here I am fixing my hair. It's the best picture I took today I feel, go figure. I'm 22weeks 5 days pregnant.

Here I am with Corey. Can you believe THIS GUY is going to be a Dad? LOL I swear he is 30 years old..

I FEEL like I look like an alien in that picture. I'm sure people will say otherwise but I'll always just FEEL like they're being nice.

Well I have 2 hours of America's Next Top Model to go watch on DVD. Then Survivor. Then American Idol on DVD then ER.....wow, Thursdays are good TV days.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Take a look at us, your parents. I'm sorry. LOL

Timing

2006-03-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

Timing *is* everything. I hate hate hate my job yet I can't go with all my cool co-workers who are going to different company because I'm going on Maternity Leave. Oh well. The X-coworker told me today to give him a call when I'm done with the Maternity Leave.

I know I just got a raise and all, but my sorta boss told me he REALLY had to push for it. That pisses me off! I thought they were doing it because I deserved it and they wanted to keep me, not because someone else is pushing really hard for me. Bah.

Then I get all excited about this job opening in New Brunswick. I even e-mail the HR person to find out what qualifications I'll need to move into that kind of a position in the future. I better get back to school if I plan on moving there. Man oh man, not much opportunity in IT! The position I liked was a "Learning Specialist" and so I'd need to take some Adult Education classes. Fun fun. A job, baby and school. What am I getting myself into??

I don't even think I can go look to see if any courses are available because the college teachers are now on strike. Bandwidth on the college sites = not good.

The weekend was alright. Friday we went over to Corey's friend Paul's place to drill a hole. His kids are adorable. Saturday Corey and I spent the day in front of the TV. I mean I didn't even get dressed. It was fun until I threw a hormonal hissy fit. That ruined the rest of our evening and then most of Sunday. Good thing was I went shopping on Sunday to make myself feel better. Ah...new maternity clothes.

My belly is getting bigger and bigger. I'll have to take a picture tonight and post it on this thing. I like walking around with it sticking out cause it's so obvious I'm not "just fat" now. Spring is just around the corner too so I won't have my big bulky jacket covering everything up.

I had something else to write about but I completely lost the train of thought.

On Friday I told my cousin on MSN that it was my grandmother's birthday that day. Then I completely forgot to call her myself that night. I am the worst granddaughter ever. We have MSN at work since Friday, soooo cool. I hope the firewall guys don't notice!

My brain isn't working very well. I think I've been working too hard. I mean I don't usually work at all...so this is a switch.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Last night was so funny. I've been feeling you move inside a lot so I don't listen to the doppler every night. I tried listening last night but you kept moving around everywhere! I had to literally chase your hearbeat around. Your grandma is getting your nursery cleaned out and then we're going to paint. I hope you like pink, or peach. I have no idea what theme we're going to use after that. I wish I knew what you'd like! Wait a minute, this is one time I get to tell you what you're going to like. Before you know it you'll be old enough to dissagree with me. I take it back, you get what you get dear! Ha ha.

Breakdown City, CAN

2006-03-02T10:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was crazy. Why oh why did I look forward to the day Corey returned back to work? I thought getting into work at 6:45am myself would rock, I mean I did it a lot last year. I had to drive him in because on Friday I picked him up from work (being the concerned girlfriend that I am - remember he was ZAPPED) and so his truck was at the shop all weekend. Had I gone to bed at a decent hour, like 10pm I think I would have been OK but AMAZING RACE was on! Hello? The best show on TV! And it delivered. I loved the first episode. This is going to be a great season. 2 hours was appreciated because I really feel like I know who the couples are now. Usually after the first show I'm still confused. Because I'm in the greatest country in the world - heh- we get American Idol from 8:00 - 9:30 and then Amazing Race from 9:30 - 11:30, ON THE SAME CHANNEL!

So I get into work and there were two people in before me. Bonus. This means that when I take off at 2:30pm I have witnesses to my early morning arrival. I'm a slacker and leave early ALL THE TIME so it feels good to actually put in a full day and still leave early LOL I couldn't eat at the ungodly hour of 5am so by the time I got in I was hungry. So I eat and then actually WORK for like 5 hours. This is a record for me. I didn't check any reality web sites, pregnancy message boards or craigslist. I had actual work to do! Heck I even forced myself to stop working so I could eat lunch (I was STARVING). It was deadline day of course. I had to get these reports finished by end of day yesterday. In retrospect I could have, oh I don't know, worked on them for TWO WEEKS and taken my time but no, I waited until the last possible minute. The story of my life.

I did get a surprise visit from my director who gave me a $5000 raise. That was nice! Threatening to leave for another company really pays off!

So I get done around 1:30 and head over to reality web sites, pregnancy message boards and craigslist. Come on, I had to. Of course, I'm so exhausted at this point that I can't even read anything. I take off and head home for some American Idol on DVD. It was ok. None of the girls wowed me. Fell asleep during Oprah and that's when things started getting bad. Corey scared me awake (don't you hate it when you wake up and someone is standing over you? I seriously SCREAMED) and I felt like CRAP. The worst heartburn EVER. My underwear were digging into me, my pants felt about 3 sizes too small and I feel asleep on the couch so I was all uncomfortable. Corey got me some milk (that I whined for) and I got changed into the biggest clothes I had. I then started BAWLING. Being pregnant is not the rosy picnic you see on TV. I was sobbing about how fat I felt, how much the heartburn hurt and the state of my wardrobe. I seem to have balooned overnight. My belly is HUGE! Everyone warned me about this but I just let my hormones take over me and it was not pretty. (The one cool thing, I felt the baby move FROM THE OUTSIDE for the first time on Tuesday night. It was such a wonderful feeling)

Corey really delivered then. He told me he wanted to take me to the mall to cheer me up. The MALL. Now anyone who knows me KNOWS I love to shop. I resisted at first, I mean it was easier to just wallow in self pity and cry all night but he insisted. I dragged my butt over there and it still took a half and hour to really start feeling that shopping BUZZ but it happened. The sale items got me. I bought myself a new maternity shirt for like $6, new yoga pants for $7.50, big track pants, HUGE underwear (sigh) and a cute pyjama set (nothing makes me happier than cute pyjama sets - and this was full price). The best part was at the cash because the shirt I paid $6 for was $12 on the tag and then I got ANOTHER %50 off (same with yoga pants) so you know that made me higher than high! Corey then bought me a pair of official Team Canada Olympic track pants. The pyjama set I bought say "He Loves Me" on the shirt :) And you know what? He really does.

We got some food (because I was feeling good you know, so get me some FOOD!) and went home where Corey insisted I change into the new pants he bought me. I felt wonderful.

Today I'm in my new $6 shirt, $7.50 yoga pants, HUGE underwear and I feel great. I'm swimming in it all, even cozier. I'm looking forward to going home (at 4pm! Ha, I came in at like 9:20am) tonight and putting on my "He Loves Me" pyjamas, watching the American Idol boys (that I taped), Survivor and the results show. I'll be cuddled up with Corey and if the weather people are right, the snow will be falling.

It's a good day to be in love.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We can feel you kick now! It makes me smile every time I feel it. You're even kicking right now actually. Last night I wanted to hear your heartbeat before bed - it helps put me to sleep - and you were moving around so much I had to chase you to hear it. Your Dad says you don't like the doppler but I think you were happy because I had Greek food for dinner. I hope you like food, like I do. We can go for sushi together and leave your Dad at home. I'll eat pretty much anything - hope you're liking it in there! I've learned my lesson this time for sure, no more spices, super fried tasting salty chips, tomatoe sauce or acidy fruits. I just want us to get along ok? LOL

Weekend Away

2006-02-28T10:47:00.000-05:00

We spent Friday night at the hospital, Corey cut through a live 600V wire at work that afternoon and we had to have his heart monitored incase it changed the rythym. It was boring and interesting all at the same time. There was this one patient who wanted pain meds and was NOT taking no for an answer. I even heard the doctor comment to him "so you've been through here a lot have you". Before seeing the doctor he was loud and obnxious. Addict? Ya think?

Another girl was in the waiting room puking and making this HORRIBLE noise. We could hear her from the back room we were in and I had to "go take a walk" to see what was happening. I'm such a drama queen. All the people in the waiting room were like begging the nurses to get her inside because she was freaking them all out. When Corey and I left she was still there and both of us thought she looked like she was coming down off a high or something.

Ah Etobicoke General. This was the hospital both Corey and I were born at and where our daughter will be born.

Saturday we headed out for a visit with my Uncle on my Dad's side. I only met this side of my family a few years ago. They're so nice...and Normal! We had a really great visit mostly talking. We went to visit my Aunt at the store she volunteers at, a quilting store and I picked up a "How to Knit" book. She also had me pick out some fabric for a baby quilt!!! The one I picked out is adorable and I can't wait to see it finished. We spent the evening playing a dominoes game called "Mexican Train" and had a blast. The next morning we talked and talked and talked, ate and then talked some more. They're an awesome couple and have raised three pretty cool sons. We left mid afternoon with promises to visit again soon.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Your Great-Aunt Jackie is making you a quilt! It'll be interesting to see if by the time you read this you can still say you remember or have it.

Me and My Mom

2006-02-24T09:13:00.000-05:00

I spent some time with my mom in my dreams last night. It was very strange, I was helping her find a cleaning service for her place so she could get things cleaned. She wanted Daniel (my 13 year old brother) to be able to visit with her. I told her I sent her an e-mail with a name to her hotmail account and she said she hadn't received it (this was super strange because my mother was legally blind!). We found a number and I wrote it down for her on a piece of paper. Corey was outside sitting on a lawn chair (our house was huge and spectacular) in front of the pool and he kept missing calls on the phone. It wasn't ringing or anything, just the message indecator(sp?) kept going up. The house phone rang and I answered it, it was one of the shelters my mother had lived at. I took the phone into the hall because I didn't want to upset her.

The lady from the shelter said she had heard about my mother passing and wanted to know what happened. Oh, this whole conversation was taking place in French, the first time I can remember speaking French in a dream. I told her my mother had committed suicide and both of us started crying. I began sobbing while telling her that she left three kids behind.

That's it. That was the end of the dream. My bladder and dry mouth woke me up (I seriously get up every single night to pee and drink some water - this started when I got pregnant).

Corey said he could tell I was having a bad dream because I was whimpering in my sleep. I guess that's when I was telling the lady about my mom's suicide.

In my dream she was still the lonely messed up mom that I knew and I was trying desperately to help her. Why was I telling someone she committed suicide if she was sitting in the other room? They say that people who've passed live in your dreams forever and you get to visit them but I feel even more empty now. It was like I had to relive the moment of telling someone about her passing all over again. She was not happy to see me or anything.

I think I may be feeling a bit anxious about visiting my Uncle this weekend. He's my Dad's father and we only really "met" about 3 years ago. Before that it had been since my Dad's passing when I was 4 since he had seen me. I haven't told them about my mom, I wanted to wait until I see them in person. That's just not something I wanted to do over the phone because I know how worried my Aunt is going to be about me and I want her to see how well I'm handling this.

The first thing I did when I got into work was call and pay off the burrial fees invoice that I received in the mail. I told them we hadn't scheduled the burrial and she told me to give them a weeks notice. I have to start thinking about when we'll do that, probably late spring

She'll be burried next to my Dad

To My Darling Baby Girl: You'll never meet your Grandmother because in December she took her own life. She was mentally a very sick lady but in her own way she loved us all, even you, very much. She was excited that she was going to be a Grandmother and worried about your Mom (me) all the time. You're not even born and you've already been such a big help to me. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without the strenght it's taken to keep you happy, healthy and safe inside me. Just knowing you were in there growing and already relying on me kept me strong. I want you to know I will never ever leave you like that. That is my promise to you.

So We Bought This House...

2006-02-22T10:30:00.000-05:00

Corey and I hate hate hate living in this city. It's gray, busy, ugly. We want to move to Fredericton, New Brunswick within the next few years. We've even gone so far as to buy a house! Here it is:

It's a nice house, six bedrooms, the basement is a completely separately rented 3 bedroom apartment, a good investment property because it's already completely rented. The amount of the rent being received is enough to cover the mortgage payments, so we'd get a nice chunk of it paid off before even moving down! After the holidays we start our negotiations and finally, mid January, we reach an agreement. Corey and I bust our butts off getting all of our paperwork and mortgage information in order to meet the fast approaching closing date. Two days before closing the vendors other lawyer says they have to delay things because HE DIDN'T KNOW THER SELLER IS A RESIDENT OF AND LIVES IN CHINA!!!! Fine. OK. Hey, it gives us an extra month to save up for that crazy down payment we have to come up with.

I decide to e-mail my lawyer yesterday and make sure we're still OK for Feb 28th. Nope. Sellers lawyer needs until AT LEAST the end of March, maybe more. I wrote the lawyer and told him that this was unacceptable. We're losing out on $1100 a month here! We were nice and understanding the first month but no sir, this is money we're talking about here. So I wrote back and told him that we want the rent or a reduction in price in relation to the rent as of March 1st and we wanted all lawyer fees that we will now have to pay to draw up new papers etc. to be paid by the seller.

My lawyer was really cool about it and said he understood our position and would do what he could. I think in his first e-mail he couldn't really say anything to influence our decision but was happy that we came back with what we did.

I just want to own the house. We pay so little rent living with Corey's parents, we need something to pay towards. Neither one of us is good with just "saving". It's too easy for things to come up (like you know, a TRUCK - see Charlie entry).

For My Darling Baby Girl: Our dream is to raise you and your future brothers and sisters in New Brunswick. I can't express to you how miserable we are in this city. Most of your Dad's family is in New Brunswick and let me tell you it's beautiful. I hope that by the time you're reading this you know that for yourself and in fact, know nothing else but that beauty. I dream about taking you fishing on the Miramichi, skating on our big homemade pond, playing in a huge backyard...just having fun together as a family. We want to give you the best of everything, we love you that much.

Vroom Vroom Vroom

2006-02-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

What a great weekend! Friday night we went over to my friend from work Daniela's house. Her and her husband always spoil us rotten with yummy food and access to their beautiful new house. Toss in the Ultrasound video, listening to the baby's heartbeat on their doppler (that we now have in our posession!) and some Mario Party 7 on Game Cube, you've got one hell of a night. If you're 2 young couples in or approaching their 30's that is. We were yawning away and ready for bed by 11pm :P Just a few years ago I wasn't leaving the house for the bar until 11pm and I'm talking Wednesday through Saturday most weekends. I love spending time with Corey and couples like that though.

Saturday was boring. Corey worked all day so I watched random crap on TV and the movie Amelie. I really enjoyed that movie! When Corey got home we grabbed some subs and the movie Zathura and were in bed a little before 11pm. Zathura was good but too much like Jumanji for my liking. I really liked Jumanji!

Yesterday was the AUTO SHOW! The cool thing about going to bed around 11 is 9:30am is sleeping in. You get quite a long day when you don't sleep through half of it! The Auto show was a bit of a dissapointment in terms of classic cars, the reason I got Corey to agree to go so quickly but we did see a lot of cool small SUV's and concept cars. I also entered every contest there so keep your fingers crossed for me, I could have a new free car in a couple of months! Really though, it was nice spending time with Corey again doing something out of the house. We have so much fun at home as it is but it's nice to get out and do something different every once in a while.

We were beat by 3pm but my friend Tammy was over so we had more good times playing with the doppler, sending FMIL to the drugstore for KY Jelly and making Pizza. My poor friend did find out some horrible news about her X-Husband-The-Lying-Cheating-Ba$tard but I was relieved she finally knew. It was information that I was privy to but unable to divulge. Corey and I agreed if she ever found out from someone else that we would not lie and we didn't. I know I felt better but I can't imagine how she's feeling. She'll get over it though and I think he's finally going to get what he deserves so I'm keeping positive. I will make an extra effort to make sure she's OK etc. though, she's going to need all the support she can get over the next little while.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We got to hear your little heartbeat a lot this weekend :) It's comforting for Mommy to know you're in there happy and healthy. Daniela helped us read your US stats and you've got a big belly - I'm feeding you well! You've also got a well developed brain, you're going to be a smart cookie! I get more and more anxious to meet you but know you need to grow in there. I hope you really are enjoying yourself :) (Daddy says you're lucky you're not out here because I'm killing him with my FARTS! ha ha, silly Daddy)

I Feel CRAPtastic! Thanks for Asking.

2006-02-17T10:37:00.000-05:00

Ugh. How am I feeling? UGH UGH UGH! I go to bed at 10pm, wake up at 10am and it's a STRUGGLE. Yesterday I had the headache that would not go away, even with 2 Extra Strength Tylenol. I didn't even make it into work. I had to force myself to get ready for my 2:15pm doctors appointment.

I thought the second trimester was suposed to be energetic.

I thought pregnancy was suposed to be a beautiful wonderful experience!

How many more months of this? Ahhhhhhhhhh

Corey has been so great. He's been in a great mood and is trying his hardest to lift my spirits. I'm really lucky I have someone like him to make me crack a smile or two.

Work is interesting. Only because of all the drama. One of my co-workers quit the other day and now they're screwed because we were already short staffed. With my impending leave they're really scared. I don't feel bad for them at all. How many years have I been BEGGING for someone to be trained on the applications I support? Eh? Idiots.

Oy. My blog entry is as depressing and winey as I am as of late. Think positive...think positive...it's Friday!

To My Darling Baby Girl: You're getting bigger in there! I hope you have lots of hair because man oh man are you giving me heartburn LOL We're picking up a doppler tonight and will get to hear your little heartbeat every night. I hope you're comfortable in there!

Henry

2006-02-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

Corey got a new toy this weekend. Well the way he's been acting about it, he got a new CHILD this weekend. His name is Henry and he is old. Very old. Born in 1948 actually. Henry came to us from Guelph Ontario but lived most of his life in Texas. He was in Guelph Ontario when we bought him off Ebay, his owner didn't have time to care for him. I can see why.

Henry is a LOT of work.

Henry doesn't even have HEAT (oh don't worry - Corey said - I'll get a portable heater).

He sure did put a perma-grin on his "Daddy" I tell ya. Heck Corey was even jumping up and down while waiting for him to be delivered.

I present....Henry

My daughter is bringing me LUCK LUCK LUCK! Here's what's happened in the luck department since I've been pregnant:

Dec 3rd - Go to work Christmas Party. Win the second best prize of the night in a draw, (first was a $3000 travel voucher) a brand new IBM desktop computer with flat screen monitor! Seriously this was cooler than the travel voucher IMO. My Ebay venture is so much easier to run and I got all these cool toys for Christmas (new desk, chair, printer, flash drive and wireless USB).

A few weeks ago - Go to BINGO with FMIL (who goes like every day, well almost) and WIN! It was only like $50 but it paid for my afternoon and I got to yell Bingo. The rush from that is so cool. I didn't even stay for the next session like she wanted me to, I was up and not ready to lose it!

Saturday night - Tammy's girls dance competitively and were holding a Valentines Day dance for a fundraiser to go to Mertle Beach this summer. There were all kinds of little prizes (Corey and I won 200 free digital prints) and they also had a 50/50 draw. Guess who won $440?? MOI! I couldn't believe it!

I didn't win the 10 million dollar lottery on Friday, but she can't be perfect :) I'm going to keep trying though, this kid is L-U-C-K-Y.

For My Darling Baby Girl: OK why were you so happy yesterday? You were wiggling around in there for hours! Daddy says it's because of his new truck *eyeroll*. Did you like that seafood I ate for lunch? I hope so, Mommy needs someone to go to Red Lobster with :) A stranger asked if I was expecting today, the first random person to ask. I was beaming when I said yes, I'm already so proud of you.

The Work Situation

2006-02-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

I hate my job. No really, I do. I sit in my cubicle until 4pm most of the time doing busy work and barely talk to anyone. Who am I going to talk to? Everyone here is MALE and 80% of a different nationality. I have nothing in common with these people.

I work in a bank, so everything is very PC. It's so bad that I have a brand new hair do today, cut HALF the length (that's a lot of hair people!) and finally got the colour touched up (I'm PREMATURELY gray - I'm only 27 - I'm NOT old). NO ONE has said anything. If I was in an office of girls, or at least one other girl, I'd feel fabulous about my new hair! It does look great!

Ah well, I look cute today in my maternity clothes and the new do. I look about 15 years old though LOL I should go to the mall during lunch, I bet I'll get wierd looks. At the doctors office/hospital every time I said I was pregnant to someone new the first thing they asked was "how old are you?" I'm lucky, I take after my mom that way.

I can't wait to move to New Brunswick and start something new.

For my baby girl: Yep, I think you're going to be Samantha darling. Daddy was THRILLED when I said I would be happy with him naming you. You've got his sweet tooth as well! Last night you kicked me after I hate a brownie. You wanted more didn't ya?

For The World To See

2006-02-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

I present to you world, our beautiful baby girl.

"It" Became "Her"

2006-02-08T10:12:00.000-05:00

With todays technology how could I not keep a record of my pregnancy and subsequent motherhood? I mean if my daughter is anything like me she'll LOVE this. It's so wierd to say that, my daughter. And who am I kidding, by the time she's my age, 27, she'll have a chip in her brain recording her thoughts or something LOL

Her father, Corey and I had our big Ultrasound yesterday and we got to see her. There was definately a big "void" between those tinly little legs confirming what we thought, girl. Our dreams and plans have taken on a little baby girl now. It's amazing how quickly they changed from unknown scenarios to concrete wishes.

My biggest wish is for Corey to take care of himself and walk her down the asile when she gets married. I made him promise in his sleep last night (as I lay awake because of heartburn, ay ai ai).

So I'm 18W3D, due July 9th. I can't believe I've slacked on belly pictures, I'm just not really showing yet and until we saw how perfect she was I was in denial that everything was OK. I know I know, silly. So this Sunday at 19W I *have* to start my belly pictures.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We got to see you yesterday and learn that you are in fact a girl. Your Dad wants to name you Samantha and I think I'm going to let him, I would have named you Cadence if I had my way :) You're going to be Daddy's Little Girl though I just know it. I think you really liked the warmth of the laptop last night because when I had it on my belly you kicked me for the first time! We have a video of your Ultrasound and I can't wait to sit with you and watch it together. I love you so much already. - Mommy