Another Period Of Learning

So I've been seeing a shrink. Since August. I love going to shrinks. This is my third big group of sessions (I saw a bereavement specialist once and Corey and I did a few sessions of couples counselling before my mom passed away). I've never felt comfortable enough to talk to anyone about the things I talk to my shrink about.

And now I know why.

I've felt "alone" for my entire life. Unintentionally, the people who were suposed to love me the most, the people who I should have been able to turn to, were never there for me when I was growing up. I reached out to them and got turned away. They had their reasons, some of them I can say I might have done the same and like I said, it was never intentional. I don't hold anyone responsible for the life I've led. But it scarred me, in an invisible way. I moved forward in life not trusting people because I never knew who to trust.

And then somehow, in my family dynamic, I learned guilt. I have felt so guilty for so long. Guilty for not calling, guilty for not reaching out, guilty for just wanting nothing to do with someone. Why? How did I get that way? Does it matter anymore?

I'm releasing those feelings. I'm learning that it's ok to have a closer relationship with someone in a family, to distance myself from others if they're just not people I can relate to. The simple word "family" does not bind me to people with whom no relationship can happen. I can impose limits on relationships, open up differently with each. Take a relationship as far as I want it to go and NOT feel guilty for being different with another.

Simple simple simple concepts that I just never got. I'm learning as I grow older that there are MANY. And it's such a shame. I look at what an opportunity I have, raising children. It's the greatest gift, the best "thing" life has to offer. A life created by love. A responsibility I will never take for granted. I am the world to this tiny being, and will always be. Nothing gets closer, nothing is stronger than that bond. That's how they're born and that's how I want it to stay, for the rest of my life. That to me is more important than a big TV, fancy car and multiple shopping sprees. That shit just doesn't give back the way a person can.

Having my children is my gift, my payback. My reward for becoming the person I have become (and continue to become). For suffering the childhood I suffered. I'm begining a new life!

Speaking of life begining...

I'm 21W now. I had the big ultrasound and.........I'm having a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond excited. Sam is going to have a sister! I'm going to have two daughters! Money wise it's a huge load off our shoulders. Sisters can share a room, and clothes, FOREVER lol. Our two bedroom bungalow is perfect for Corey our daughters and I! We're about 95% sure on the name McKenna Victoria. We'll have our "Sam and Mack" duo! Corey liked McKenzie for this reason but I vetoed that name (it was kinda my choice this time) so he's very pleased with my choice (as I was with Sam's).

Life really is falling into place.

Samantha update: 18 months old, the kid can now speak sentances. "Mommy, see a minute", "Pop Pop, supper ready!", "Mommy help please". The walking is a lot steadier as well. She's finally built up the confidence to motor. The tantrums are coming out in droves, but I think I've done a good job ignoring them because they last SECONDS, she just knows I won't respond to that kind of behaviour. It's funny too because she's smart enough to know that with others, it works. The tantrums she pulls with her Grandma....comical! But she knows! Grandma ALWAYS gives in ;)

So does Daddy actually. But I think that'll change once we're on our own in our new house. I feel guilty sometimes too when I'm disciplining her in front of Grandma or Pop pop. They'll look at her with sad sympathetic eyes and even throw out a "Grandma will let you later". Yea I know. But really, at this point, it's not worth the arguement lol. We're outta there!

Well, I needed a Friday brain dump. Thanks blog! lol