Personal Growth At 28

How being a mother has changed me:

- I don't feel the same way about marriage. It's Corey Sam and I, we're a family. Do I need a piece of paper saying so?? I think having a daughter, this beautiful little being, the product of our love for eachother, well it's so much more than a piece of paper. Watching her grow, smile, laugh, learn...it's more rewarding than a one day event (wedding) could ever be. If down the road for legality reasons we need that piece of paper, I want to do it quietly, in Vegas or something.

- I see Samantha as an opportunity to develop a human being and I want her to live up to her potential. Does that mean I want to give her everything she wants? No. I think in a way I'm lucky I don't have money and didn't grow up with a whole lot of it. I've had to work for everything I have, most of the time on my own. How could my life have been...better? If I had been nurtured, even just emotionally, I think I could have done great things with my life. But then, would I be where I am today? So how do I do this? How do I handle this enormous responsibility I've been given...someone's life. My answer...with Love. If she wants something, I want her to know how to work for it. I don't want her to feel as though she's owed things in life. It's my responsibility to teach her this lesson and the best way to do this, I think, is with communication and love. I didn't have either when I was growing up. I was left to fend for myself most of my life. I craved my mother's love, her attention, her words. I've spent so much of my life craving this from people, Sam has opened my eyes and taught me to look around at people who are loving me. I've reached that place and need to enjoy it.

- My mother wasn't perfect, but she was my mother. I'm not going to be a perfect mother either, I have to accept that. This lesson has compounded itself in other relationships as well. I didn't grow up around a positive male/female relationship. With my mother there was always drama, always fear, no expression of love in front of my brother and I. There was many relationships and then in the end, nothing. She was alone. I have had to look back on this and learn how it's affected me today. I love Corey with every ounce of me. Does that mean we never fight? Does that mean I don't sometimes feel lonely? Absolutely not. We do fight and sometimes when he's out being a "boy", I do feel lonely. How have I reacted to these feelings? I'll admit, sometimes I've considered leaving him, I've felt like I was at the lowest place ever. Since having Samantha I've been able to step back and really see how lucky I am. This man always wants me to be at his side. When he's being a "boy", he usually wants me right there with him, being stupid and immature. He drinks at home, in front of the house, with the guys next door. He's not going to bars, he's not drinking and driving, he's not meeting other women. He compliments me, he teases me, he plays cards with me, he cooks for me. He's an only child and has been "in charge" his whole life. He rules his parents, he works at a job where he has "helpers"...when he "tells" me to grab him the ketchup and doesn't say please, it's not personal. It's not because he doesn't love me or respect me, it's because he was raised by a mother who too had her own issues. She to this day enables him. She made mistakes that can't be erased, she was a mom, she was human, she was herself. It doesn't mean I'm getting walked on by him...because when it does matter I know how to stand up for myself. I know his weaknesses, his dreams, his passion. And he knows mine. When I say silly things that don't make any sense, he laughs and tells me I'm cute. When I act all psycho because I'm a woman and my hormones are out of wack, he doesn't leave me, he waits it out and accepts my apology. When my mother committed suicide his strength got me through it, it never faltered. He calls me at work just to tell me he loves me. Becoming a mom helped me see through all the negativity surrounding us. Our love created this perfect, beautiful little being and it's our love that's going to keep both her and us happy.

- I'm hopeful. And that's a hard thing to be sometimes. Her innocence has given me a lifetime supply of hope. I can shape this person into a loving, caring, hard working, determined, polite, respectful human being. Me. Me and her dad. The two of us are the only people responsible for this task. I'm hopeful that people out there realize this, take the time to understand what a responisibility bringing a child into this world carries. I'm not surrounded by many examples of people who do realize this, but I've met some. I'm hopeful that technology can one day be used for good because it's not all bad. I was raised on technology. I was raised by the TV and it's not all bad. If you choose to listen and learn, it can be a very useful tool. I don't have a mother to guide me through raising a baby, so I've had to use the Internet quite a bit. I'm open to all sides of a debate, prefering to remain an observer instead of lining myself up for execution. I make decisions based on what makes the most sense logically to me. I don't then brag about it on a message board etc. because people will have different opinions. It gets personal. I spend too much time living my life....I don't want to spend time defending my choices. It's my life, I have to live with myself and those I choose to be around or bring into this world.

- I'm a listener, an observer and I need to feel less lonely about that. It's not because I don't have anything to say...it's because I am facinated with how people live, the choices people make. I come from a background FILLED with drama and instability, this was not by choice, it was what I was raised into. I have chosen a life without drama and instability and that's a good thing. I can see how I'm lead down a path of lonliness sometimes. I meet a lot of people who aren't happy, who have relationships with people because of their common misery. I don't fit in with these people and I need to remember, that's a good thing. I can also see how I sometimes create drama for myself, most of the time because I've been caught up in other people's BS. Reflection like this reminds me that I'm not done growing...that personal growth can take a lifetime.

- I've learned who I am. I don't wear makeup, I don't dress in the latest fashions. I want to be comfortable not well put together. I don't know a lot about the mechanics of life and things around me, I didn't have anyone around who could explain things to me. That said, I am curious about how things work and appreciate when people take the time to explain. Also, I can take it if I assume I do know something, say something dumb and then get teased about it. I can look you in the eye when I talk and will do the same when you talk. I am fiercely loyal to those I love. I get caught up in both my own passion and passions expressed by others. I will sacrafice a lot to get what I want. If you ask me to help you and then don't listen to a word I say I have a hard time supporting your continued misery.

- I've learned from Sam what happiness is. It isn't money, it isn't driving a brand new SUV...it's driving in my craptastic volvo station wagon, on a beautiful sunny day, windows down and the music blaring. It's dancing in my seat, unaware of who's around me. It's the excitement I feel when I turn the corner onto my street, knowing I'm 5 minutes away from having her back in my arms. It's her smile, her cuddle into me, her unconditional love and trust. It's being with Corey after 8pm, our time, us time. It's the strength I feel in our relationship because we were smart enough to raise our daughter to have a bed time, to be in her room, safe, while we enjoy eachother's company. It's that we can have more fun at home than anywhere else in the world because we're all safe. It's that we eat at home 95% of the time because we know what foods we love and exactly how we like to make them. It's that Samantha feels the same way and so we get to see her grow and be happy every single day, together.

I really am one of the lucky ones.