Bliss

It's been a crazy few months/weeks....I don't know. But I'm here, sitting in bliss, happy as can be. I'm home sick, need this. The past two days I rocked it but was sicker than today - it's a work thing, Mon and Tues are crazy days. Now, here I sit, clean(er) house after two days of neglect, Flow 93.5 playing all my old hip-hop favourites from "back in the day", chillin'.

The past few months I've spent a lot of time "tieing (sp) up loose ends". Resolving lingering issues that a) I knew existed and b) didn't know existed. Relationship wise, there were issues. There was a blow up. There was a "separation" (slept in separate beds for 4 nights, a first). There was open communication and finally a resolution. My how we've grown :) Absofreakin' amazing. This man is worth all the fight, he's incredible.

I took an "Emotional Intelligence" course a few weeks ago. It was really interesting and a LOT of fun. I'm so lucky to be paid to do stuff like that. The pre-requisite for the course was a survey. A survey you had to have filled out by at least 7 people who knew you. I had 2 Managers, 3 peers, 2 "Key Clients", 3 family members and 1 friend answer the survey. The first day of the course we learned about the brain and what "Emotional Intelligence" is. Very interesting stuff I'm willing to share :) We also learned how to control our emotions...which was a good segue into "the Survey Results". Mine were all expected, except for one. This was b) above, issue to resolve I didn't even know I had. So the survey results are anonymous. There are a butt load of rating questions about how well I "coach others", my "personal drive", "empathy" etc. I scored fairly well in all of them except ONE person on quite a few questions who scored me "0". Then there were the comments section, "verbatim comments made by each of your raters in the online survey. This section is intended to provide more specific details to support the rankings provided by your raters".

All the comments are written out on a page. The good comments were great. The bad comments were great! (make a stronger first impression, improve your leadership skills" etc.) Then these, at the bottom of the "needs to improve" page:
1. Develop stronger independence of self-thought and behaviour.
2. Develop stronger awareness of the consequences of negative influences on self and family.
3. Develop a stronger sense of altruism.

Remember when I said we had just learned how to control our emotions. Yea. 11 people saying I'm empathetic, a great role model, independent, good listener, supportive, loyal to family, a desire to learn and self-educate.....it goes on and on. And I knew and believed all of this - still do ;)

You see, I know who wrote the comments :) I could pretty much guess who wrote everything. And to tell you the truth, this person who wrote the above, was someone I would have said knew me best - before I took the course.

I learned that I have to let go of someone....and not literally. I'm not like that - at all. But in my own mind, this person meant something completely different to me before this course....because I thought this person knew me....instead, I see how that person could totally think the above. Because this person doesn't know me, but likes to make judgements/assumptions about a lot of people, how could I ever have thought they wouldn't be the same about me? Especially since, and I take some responsibility here, I haven't really let that person know me the way I let everyone in my day-to-day life know me. Maybe it's distance, maybe it's time or maybe it's fear....fear of the judgement. Fear of the assumptions and fight to be understood. Maybe it's that I can't have open free flowing conversations often with this person because of who that person is (or how I'm perceiving that person to be!).

I love my life. I have it all. I feel incredible, powerful, invincible. There are still negative hurt people in my life, but I'm immune to their negativity. I really and truly am. It feels so gosh darn good and I deserve it.

My life story is full of sadness, tragedy, drama. I could seriously write a book...but I let go of my past and am living in the present, every day better than the last. I did this by making choices, great choices, for myself and my survival. I'm a survivor with a big internal hope-mechanism :)

Say what you want, no one knows me better than me :D It's time for me to OWN this and share my story because from bad beginnings comes generations of love and happiness (my love and my beautiful children), an appreciation for simplicity and the greatness in people love and happiness. Every time I'm at the cottage I look up at the bright stars, the giant moon and smile.

Life is good.