While The Boss Is Away....

The boss is away this week - YIPEEEEEE! This means I get to watch a LOT of TV at work LOL. Don't get me wrong, I'm still doing my work, but I can have a TV show in the bottom corner at the same time. I'm a seasoned multi-tasker and I think I even work "better" when I have something going on in the background :) Wish I could tell that to my boss!

I felt the need to write today. This morning as I was walking down Bay Street I saw a lady drop a Tim Hortons bag beside a homeless girl. Seeing that random act of kindness really hit me hard. The homeless people of Toronto always tug at my heartstrings. Today, I cried.

You see, 90% of the time, homeless people remind me of my Mom. And I don't know why, but today I miss her SO MUCH. As I was writing this, I wanted to write "I don't know why", but I do. I have so much I want to say to her....it feels like it's building up more and more...and I don't know how to get it out. Everything in my life is SO DARN GOOD, I want her to feel that. When I see these homeless women, I see my mother. I think about the three years she went missing from my life and I see firsthand on a daily basis what that life must have been like. It doesn't seem real, possible, but it is my reality.

I've got these two amazing kids...my mom would have had two small kids with the same age difference. My love for them is undescribable - a Mother's love. My love for my Mother has grown so much because of my kids. I appreciate her so much more and I can't tell her that.

Instead I want to tell the homeless people.

Mental illness is a cruel cruel disease. It took my Mother from me. It plagues the streets of Toronto and I'm sure every other city. It took my brother from me.

Here comes the fear....the fear I feel looking at my children - wondering if this is going to be their fate.

I don't know why my mind has chosen today to go to "this place". Things are SO FREAKIN' GOOD! I'm the best Mom I know and I have the best kids I know. Everyday they learn and grow they're lifting me up, my spirits are so high.

Then I see those homeless people, and down they go.

I think I ultimately want to help someone, save someone....give someone the hope I couldn't give my Mother or Brother for that matter.

I have so much to give but am incapable of "giving" what I have to the people I love most. Through no fault of my own, but it hurts.

It hurts that my family can't see who/what I am. That they can't see past their own noses. That they don't "feel" the way I do.

I can't let it bring me down though...I can't. It's not my fault that I was born into this family. You know what it feels like though? From my own perspective?

I feel like the white sheep in a family of black sheep. For so much of my life, all I knew was family and my own circle of friends. I lived in that bubble that we all live in growing up, unaware of the big world out there.

At least I got out of that bubble right?

Being me is tough, but I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

Ah, feels good to get that out. I'm glad I have this time to write and get it out.