Me and My Mom

I spent some time with my mom in my dreams last night. It was very strange, I was helping her find a cleaning service for her place so she could get things cleaned. She wanted Daniel (my 13 year old brother) to be able to visit with her. I told her I sent her an e-mail with a name to her hotmail account and she said she hadn't received it (this was super strange because my mother was legally blind!). We found a number and I wrote it down for her on a piece of paper. Corey was outside sitting on a lawn chair (our house was huge and spectacular) in front of the pool and he kept missing calls on the phone. It wasn't ringing or anything, just the message indecator(sp?) kept going up. The house phone rang and I answered it, it was one of the shelters my mother had lived at. I took the phone into the hall because I didn't want to upset her.

The lady from the shelter said she had heard about my mother passing and wanted to know what happened. Oh, this whole conversation was taking place in French, the first time I can remember speaking French in a dream. I told her my mother had committed suicide and both of us started crying. I began sobbing while telling her that she left three kids behind.

That's it. That was the end of the dream. My bladder and dry mouth woke me up (I seriously get up every single night to pee and drink some water - this started when I got pregnant).

Corey said he could tell I was having a bad dream because I was whimpering in my sleep. I guess that's when I was telling the lady about my mom's suicide.

In my dream she was still the lonely messed up mom that I knew and I was trying desperately to help her. Why was I telling someone she committed suicide if she was sitting in the other room? They say that people who've passed live in your dreams forever and you get to visit them but I feel even more empty now. It was like I had to relive the moment of telling someone about her passing all over again. She was not happy to see me or anything.

I think I may be feeling a bit anxious about visiting my Uncle this weekend. He's my Dad's father and we only really "met" about 3 years ago. Before that it had been since my Dad's passing when I was 4 since he had seen me. I haven't told them about my mom, I wanted to wait until I see them in person. That's just not something I wanted to do over the phone because I know how worried my Aunt is going to be about me and I want her to see how well I'm handling this.

The first thing I did when I got into work was call and pay off the burrial fees invoice that I received in the mail. I told them we hadn't scheduled the burrial and she told me to give them a weeks notice. I have to start thinking about when we'll do that, probably late spring

She'll be burried next to my Dad

To My Darling Baby Girl: You'll never meet your Grandmother because in December she took her own life. She was mentally a very sick lady but in her own way she loved us all, even you, very much. She was excited that she was going to be a Grandmother and worried about your Mom (me) all the time. You're not even born and you've already been such a big help to me. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without the strenght it's taken to keep you happy, healthy and safe inside me. Just knowing you were in there growing and already relying on me kept me strong. I want you to know I will never ever leave you like that. That is my promise to you.