Post Traumatic Growth 101

From traumatic beginings to "normal life", choosing to grow and wanting to empower others. This is my story.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Boy do we have a talker on our hands. I'm afraid. If she talks as much as Grandma, I'm going to have surgery to remove my hearing lol.

Seriously though, she says so many words it's scary. For her age, it's off the charts. She's saying please and thank you already, said "Bless you" when someone sneezed the other day and will repeat EVERYTHING we say. We all have to be concious of what we say. I am so used to calling Corey Corey and she picked up on that and will say Corey! Corey! Corey! He HATES it. It's so wierd though saying "Daddy!" when you want to get his attention in the kitchen. She can say "I want _____", "Up Mommy Please", "I know" etc. We went out for dinner on Friday night and a couple behind us couldn't get over how much she talked. Especially because she's so tiny. She doesn't look 14 months. Even when they hear she's 14 months though, people are shocked. We're afraid, what if she's smarted than us at like 9? lol

Walking on the other hand is a slow progress. She's doing it on her own, but she'd prefer to hold on if she can. When she is walking, she goes sooooooooooo slow and is so afraid of falling. I blame Daddy. He wouldn't let her fall onto her bum in the begining! Oh well, she'll start running when she's ready (and watch, I'll wish she wouldn't).

I think I'm going to have the added challenge of a girly girl. Me! With a girly girl! She's obsessed with her closet and clothes :P Grandma brought her home some outfits from New Brunswick and she LOVED holding them, looking at them, saying "clothes" over and over again.

I decided to go back and see a psychologist. I can't explain why, I just felt like I needed it. The other times I went I had these major life issues going on so it's different going into this for no real purpose. I actually really like it. My DR is fantastic. Having a kid has changed the way I look at the world, in ways it's given me hope, but lately it's also given me a lot of despair. I see so many kids with parents who aren't nurturing their kids, don't pay enough attention to them, take their frustrations and own issues out on them. I want to just shake these people! My shrink says it's because I know what these kids are missing out on first hand. I have this need to fix the world, and I have to give it up. I can only fix me. I'll never understand those people, I can't waste any more energy stressing about the state of their children't lives, as much as it breaks my heart. I've only been hurting myself by trying to help, encouraging parents to look at things differently, because they are incapable of understanding what I'm saying. It's nothing personal against me, it's just different intellects, different personalities. I need to focus on being thankful that I am who I am. Enjoy this life I have before me.

Yesterday I was presented with some information that sparked a little mini drama inside of me. Aparently a family member I haven't spoken to in like 10 years has been googling me. Private and very personal information was told to another family member who I really trust and thankfully she told me. This information was out there on the net under my HANDLE to boot, so this family member, who "doesn't acknowledge my existence", googled my handle and not even my name. At first I was furious, mad, felt violated. Then I calmed down and thought about it. This woman isn't talking to me because of issues with her daughter. When I was 19 her then 14 year old daughter contacted me for help. Let's set the stage here, I'm 19, abandoned by my mother and other family members, receiving a call from a drunk 14 year old asking for my help in a city I've been in for at most 2 years. What do you think I did? I helped her - and by help her i mean I went and picked her up and brought her to my place. Aparently that was the wrong thing to do. I should NOT have gotten involved.

I've been the big person and apologized over the years. More than once. Me, the lost kid who was just doing what I thought was right, apologized. No change, I'm still one of the "people who ruined her daughters life". See this daughter is now selling herself for money and has no relationship with her mother. So fine, I get that she can't accept responsibility for her own mistakes (there were HUGE issues before this incident) and needs people to blame. I've pretty much forgotten she even exists in the scheme of my family. No emotion for her, no thought.

It's been like this for 10 years.

So after getting through the emotion I felt when I first found out she's googling me and talking about these private things with others in the family, I've come to the following conclusion: she's a sad sad sad person. She declined an invitation to my baby shower and got MAD at the person who gave me her address (she what, thought I was going to stalk her?). Then she goes ahead and invades my privacy. Me, who "doesn't exist to her". She stalks me.

I don't know what went on back then with my grandparents, but most of these kids of theirs have got some serious mental issues. What, 3 out of 4?

I don't think I need to know. I hope she one day gets the help she needs. I don't wish what happened to my mom on anyone. If she does though, I will not be there to accept her apology. Never. That door closed a LONG time ago.

And since you're probably still stalking me, now you know. What you're doing is not healthy. Stop worrying about phantom illness, getting thrown off the subway platform and get out and live. Go to your daughter, get over the BS, ALL OF IT, be a parent and work on it. She needs you. It's never too late. It's what mom's do.

I considered changing my handle everywhere but you know what, I'm not going to. I'll continue on as is and this will be the only mention of anything. If this angers you more and you want to tell the world all my secrets, I'll warn you, I'm going to tell them how you know. Think about that.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Mommy! Mommy! Sweet music to my ears. We've got you in Kindergym and swimming this fall :) You love it! Daddy takes you swimming. I went to watch you guys yesterday and you were in heaven. The other day we were playing and giggling and right in the middle of it you stopped, grabbed my face, said "Mommy" and gave me a BIG kiss. I will never forget these moments, I promise. I promise to be the best mother I can be. You can see from the above entry that I have a lot of deep rooted family issues to overcome, but I'm trying my hardest to resolve these issues with the least amount of impact to you. I want you to concentrate on learning, having fun and growing. Mommy will take care of all the rest. I love you more than life itself.

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