Post Traumatic Growth 101

From traumatic beginings to "normal life", choosing to grow and wanting to empower others. This is my story.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I Really Did It!

I'm sitting here writing this from my new office right in the heart of Downtown Toronto! I actually did it! I got a new job!

I applied for something like 22 internal jobs, got interviewed for three and got a good offer for a Release Specialist position here in the Big City. I'm in the middle of day four, so things are Fresh and a little boring still, but I feel mentally and physically FANTASTIC. Life at my previous job had gotten very frustrating and was not motivating me at all. I would sleep in until the kids woke up on their own, take my time getting in, spend half the day surfing the net (Twitter addict!) and the other half attending BS meetings where I'd sit there mentally banging my head against the wall. I was getting in late and leaving early every day and no one seemed to care a bit! I accidentally sent my manager an e-mail with some details about an Interview I had been on and she had a meeting with me to try and convince me to stay. I got the same old song and dance about how things were "looking up" and "going to change", but it never did. It was time to move on.

I'm really happy I found something Internal. I get to keep my years of service, 4 weeks vacation etc. It was really nice the way I left my old position as well. I spent the typical two weeks there, mentally checking out and preparing for the new job. I got to say good-bye to people I had worked with for 10 years instead of getting walked out by security in one fell swoop (what typically happens when you announce you're leaving for the competition - and that happened to every single other person on my team who left). They had a nice Indian Buffet lunch for me and gave me some really nice flowers.

Some people in my life thought I was nuts, why would I leave a job where I was VERY secure yet could basically do whatever I wanted! The commute was nothing, I just lived "up the street" (I did too, but it was a LONG street lol).

But it made sense. I was bored, frustrated every day, growing fatter by the day due to lack of routine/motivation and not feeling any self worth.

Fast forward to today, day four. I am LOVING the commute! OMG it's heaven, I walk over to the GO Train (yay for living so darn close!) and sit in comfort with my Ipod and read a book. I have always loved reading but the last few years....impossible (I can't even pee in private anymore!). Once we arrive downtown I have to haul ass to get up the street to my office. I swear the first two days I thought I was going to die of a heart attack! What a rush though, I feel great after my heart settles back down lol. My legs were in PAIN, calves and thighs, but it's getting better. I feel stronger and mentally more alert already. I also feel important and like a real worker! I have to hustle back down to the train at 5pm to catch the 5:15 train - another heart attack marathon - but I know it'll get easier and easier and hopefully I'll see some real results (weight loss please!) from the consistent physical activity. Corey picks the kids up in the evening now which is also nice. I get home and they rush the door to see me. All three days Corey has had a good handle on supper by the time I get home too - BONUS!

The job itself seems very complicated lol. I was a developer before and now I'm in more of a coordination role. I'm a "Release Specialist" which means I coordinate infrastructure releases making sure they're planned accordingly, sign offs are obtained and implemented as planned for. There is a lot of learning since I was more on the software side of things and don't know all the Infrastructure terminology etc. There hasn't been much for me to actually do yet, just learn about, but that's a good thing since I have so many adjustments to make all around. It'll be nice to be busy though!

The people here are amazing, very welcoming and encouraging. I've run into a few people that worked at my old office and even one who worked with me in my first position with the bank TEN YEARS AGO! That was awesome, a blast from the past. I've been bringing my lunch in every day so far, avoiding the temptations of Downtown. I did decide to go over to the Eaton Centre for lunch today though, I deserve it every once in a while!

Home life is wonderful. Mackenna is a full fledged PERSON now. She walks AND talks - I've got another advanced talker on my hands! She's so different from her sister though, especially physically. She's a solid girl and moves her body with a confidence that we didn't see in Samantha until much further along (like a year + - seriously). She can fall and pick herself right back up with no crying - yay! She's the happiest kid ever and why wouldn't she be? She has her sister!

That's been fascinating to watch - the sister bond forming. Samantha is an incredible big sister, loving, understanding and gentle. They can always count on each other to be there, you really see how strong that bond is when you separate them (and Sam says she really misses her sister). They're both doing amazing at the Daycare (I get glowing progress reports - they love my kids!) and I'm so happy with the people we chose. They've become a part of the girls family.

Corey and I are still strong - for all intents and purposes - but internally I have been struggling with some issues I have with the relationship. I've been thinking of possibly returning to therapy to discuss some of my feelings because I really don't know. That's really how I sum it up, I don't know. Thanks to my upbringing, I don't know if I ever will. I'm just trying to avoid the explosion that would result in me discussing my issues with Corey at this point because I'm not sure. It's all on the back burner for now however - there is just too much going on at once.

Funny how I've wanted to get all this out before addressing one of the biggest things going on in my life - my Nanny is dying. Last week I got news that she had entered the hospital because of mysterious back pain. The very next day new news - Nanny has bone cancer stemming from stage 4 lung cancer. There is nothing they can do but make her comfortable in her final days. When I initially got the call I cried, but I haven't cried since. It's like OK, that's life. This is the end of her story. But then, I want to call her and can't. I try to ask myself why - because I really want to call her - but I just haven't/can't? I really want to see her before she passes as well, but I'm not jumping in my car either. What's up with that self?

I have very clear memories of my grandparents from very early on. It's sad to me because when I was a kid, we were like a typical family. We'd get together at Christmas, visit them often, take alone trips without my mom to their cottage. Then things got complicated and the family fell apart. Sisters (my mom and my aunts) started fighting and everyone went their separate way. I still saw my Grandparents on my own or with my mom for a while, but it was never the same. Even the way they was with bitterness for how their family dissolved. I still enjoyed the time with them, shopping, playing cards, eating and watching TV, but it was a different relationship emotionally. There was no LOVE, the way I myself define love. Naturally, as I grew up into the person I am today, I also grew distant from them. The last few years, since my mom died really, I have accepted things for what they are. In fact, I even tell them every time I talk to them that I love them (Nanny 80% of the time responds that she loves me too, Grandpa- never). It's who I am now.

So I cried when I heard the news because I really love my Nanny. A lot. And I thought about my mom, how would she have dealt with this? How would she have been involved? I heard they may have known she's had lung cancer for 8 months and didn't tell anyone (a story I've heard from a lot of friends with people of that generation who pass). I've heard Nanny's sisters didn't even know my mom was dead. So part of me is do I love someone I don't even really know - and how does that work?

I'm going to call her today - I really am - because my Aunt told me I should if I intend on talking to a semi-lucid person. I'm also going ahead with the original plan, stopping in and seeing her after our trip to New Brunswick next week. I hope she's still alive by then....but I'm willing to take that risk right now.

I may WANT a drama free life, but I'm also learning that's just not possible. Up and down, round and round.

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