Giving Myself A Break

You know, I'm trying to figure it out, this guilt thing. Where did I get it? From my mother? My family? Me genes? The Catholic upbringing?

I sit there sometimes and fester in this cloud of guilt. I didn't call someone when bla bla bla happened. I'm not "doing my best" to nurture this friendship or this family relationship etc.

Well you know what? I'm not. And I have so many good reasons, for my own life, why I'm not. So you know what? Goodbye guilt. Go BLEEP yourself!

It's time to give ME a break. Yes, I'm compassionate and tolerant of other people and often feel a responsibility to "be the bigger person" and do more, but I never look at my own obstacles and do the same for myself.

It's been three years since hurricane Katrina and the headlines made me ask myself what's been going on in my life over the last three years. My list is quite the doozy.

I got prenant. We moved in with my in-laws. My mother committed suicide. I repaired my relationship with my brother. We bought an investment property in New Brunswick. I had a baby. We had a misscarriage. I got pregnant again. We bought a house in Brampton. We renovated a house in Brampton. We moved out of the in laws (after OVER TWO YEARS thankyouverymuch). I remained deathly sick for 70% of the pregnancy. I had another baby.

And here we are. It feels like the "light and the end of the tunnel". I'm so happy, I'm bursting. Mack is 12 weeks old and an incredible baby (nursing moms know what the 12 week mark means!) We've adjusted to the added responsibility of a baby as best we can. Sam is incredibly smart and so much fun that the two-year-old antics are mild. They are present though! So as an added bonus in my life I have Grandma and Pop pop. I can take my kids over to their house WHENEVER I WANT. Heck, they would love it if they could see the kids every day! I trust them, and because we lived with them for the first 18 months of Sam's life, she has no problem whatsoever going to their house. In fact, she asks to go and looks forward to it for days. Corey and I can do whatever we want. We can be alone whever we want, go visit people, be HOME ALONE. In fact right now, Sam is at Grandma's for TWO DAYS. Hence the blogging. I'm cleaning my house SLOWLY, spending time with my husband and baby, might go for a swim sans 2 year old. I've been wanting to get some of these thoughts down for a while too, so might as well take advantage of the time :)

Right, so I'm happy. And that guilt thing? I think I've got it figured out. I'm going to be more open about my feelings. What a lot of it boils down to for me is I'm giving myself a break. I've had a crazy/rough/life changing three years. It's time I let people be tolerant and considerate of my situation. I can't do that unless they know about my situation. It's all about sharing, opening up. And who knows, that may help someone else too.

Happyness is infectious.

I feel so full of life right now! I'm getting out into the community and making friends. I'm going out on dinner/movie nights with other moms. I'm more active as I walk around the city. We're eating fresh and healthy foods from the farmers market down the street, and now from our own garden too! My kids are beautiful, happy, smart....

I deserve this.

Birth Story - FINALLY!!

Well, she's 12 weeks old and I'm just now getting to her birth story. How sad is that? Unavoidable though let me tell you. Two little ones is BUSY.

So June 2nd I go in for my OB appointment, overdue. The doctor says she's going to be on call the next day and she would like me to come in for 7:30am to be induced. I did NOT want to be induced and wanted to wait longer but she insisted and said if I wanted to I could wait until the following day. Gee, thanks, one day. I was sooooooooooo dissheartened. I seriously did not want to be induced. I desperately wanted to have a natural contraction! Spent the day talking with hubby, cousin and MIL about what I should do. They all thought I should follow the "experts advice" and get induced. I agreed and plans were made for me to go in the following morning (MIL and hubby told their offices they wouldn't be in etc.)

I spent the day sad but accepting. Walked a lot, tried to get things going. We ordered a big pizza with lots of toppings for dinner. I decided to have some despite the heartburn I knew it would bring. At 10pm I figured I'd better go to bed and watch "The Mole" season premier and try to get some rest for the next day.

I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I decided to give it one last try and began to stimulate my nipples. Well wouldn't you know it....A CONTRACTION!!!! Then 10 minutes later, another! Then another! OMG! I was soooooooooooo freakin excited. They didn't feel as bad as I thought they would and I was managing fine. I told hubby to get some sleep and tried sleeping in between contractions. I wasn't even timing them or anything, just knew I had a long ways to go. At about 2am I lost my mucus plug and asked hubby if we should go in. He was dead asleep and told me to get some sleep for the morning! At 3am I took a shower :P I don't know why, I just remembered hearing people say they had a shower so I thought it would be a good idea. The contractions were regular but manageable so I kept sleeping on and off as best as I could figuring we'd go in for 7:30am as planned and see how far along I had progressed.

At 6am I started getting people up, delegating everything because the contractions were coming faster and harder. I stood outside under our big tree in the front of the house labouring through my contractions in the rain. It was beautiful and peaceful, a moment in time I will NEVER forget.

We headed over to the hospital dropping Sam off at Grandmas along the way. Grandma was confused when I said I couldn't get out of the car, she just assumed I was going in for the induction and had no idea I was in labour.

Got to the hospital for 7:30am like we planned. I told them I was scheduled for an induction but had gone into labour the night before. They were unconcerned and hooked me up to a monitor. The nurse said the contractions didn't look strong and that the doctor would be in around 8am to check my progress. My heart sunk, all that work for nothing? I prayed for at least 4 cms dialated!

8am the doctor checked and holy crap, 6cms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She broke my water and the big time contractions started coming faster and faster. I was asked if I wanted an epidural and I told them I needed to think about it. It was all very overwhelming.

At about quarter to nine the doctor said she had to go upstairs for a surgery and asked how I was feeling. I told her i was doing ok but that I felt like I needed to poo. She said she had better check me "just incase" and wouldn't you know it, I was FULLY DIALATED! No time for drugs, this was happening. I remember saying "What? Now? But I'm not ready yet! This is happening too fast!"

Pushing was exciting and painful at the same time. Can't complain too much since two pushes later, at 9:13am, Mackenna Victoria entered the world, perfect in every day. I had no tearing at all. It was THE most incredible thing ever.

And the good fortune has continued! I thought Sam was a great baby, easy etc. Ha! Mack is happy, quiet, easy, growing like a weed. Sam was always at the bottom end of growth charts, not this one! Breastfeeding is so much easier and more relaxed. She's got a great temperment. The first 12 weeks of nursing were tough, but it's getting easier and easier every week.

I have so much to write about and so little time. I hope I get more soon!