Post Traumatic Growth 101

From traumatic beginings to "normal life", choosing to grow and wanting to empower others. This is my story.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Weekend Away

We spent Friday night at the hospital, Corey cut through a live 600V wire at work that afternoon and we had to have his heart monitored incase it changed the rythym. It was boring and interesting all at the same time. There was this one patient who wanted pain meds and was NOT taking no for an answer. I even heard the doctor comment to him "so you've been through here a lot have you". Before seeing the doctor he was loud and obnxious. Addict? Ya think?

Another girl was in the waiting room puking and making this HORRIBLE noise. We could hear her from the back room we were in and I had to "go take a walk" to see what was happening. I'm such a drama queen. All the people in the waiting room were like begging the nurses to get her inside because she was freaking them all out. When Corey and I left she was still there and both of us thought she looked like she was coming down off a high or something.

Ah Etobicoke General. This was the hospital both Corey and I were born at and where our daughter will be born.

Saturday we headed out for a visit with my Uncle on my Dad's side. I only met this side of my family a few years ago. They're so nice...and Normal! We had a really great visit mostly talking. We went to visit my Aunt at the store she volunteers at, a quilting store and I picked up a "How to Knit" book. She also had me pick out some fabric for a baby quilt!!! The one I picked out is adorable and I can't wait to see it finished. We spent the evening playing a dominoes game called "Mexican Train" and had a blast. The next morning we talked and talked and talked, ate and then talked some more. They're an awesome couple and have raised three pretty cool sons. We left mid afternoon with promises to visit again soon.

For My Darling Baby Girl: Your Great-Aunt Jackie is making you a quilt! It'll be interesting to see if by the time you read this you can still say you remember or have it.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Me and My Mom

I spent some time with my mom in my dreams last night. It was very strange, I was helping her find a cleaning service for her place so she could get things cleaned. She wanted Daniel (my 13 year old brother) to be able to visit with her. I told her I sent her an e-mail with a name to her hotmail account and she said she hadn't received it (this was super strange because my mother was legally blind!). We found a number and I wrote it down for her on a piece of paper. Corey was outside sitting on a lawn chair (our house was huge and spectacular) in front of the pool and he kept missing calls on the phone. It wasn't ringing or anything, just the message indecator(sp?) kept going up. The house phone rang and I answered it, it was one of the shelters my mother had lived at. I took the phone into the hall because I didn't want to upset her.

The lady from the shelter said she had heard about my mother passing and wanted to know what happened. Oh, this whole conversation was taking place in French, the first time I can remember speaking French in a dream. I told her my mother had committed suicide and both of us started crying. I began sobbing while telling her that she left three kids behind.

That's it. That was the end of the dream. My bladder and dry mouth woke me up (I seriously get up every single night to pee and drink some water - this started when I got pregnant).

Corey said he could tell I was having a bad dream because I was whimpering in my sleep. I guess that's when I was telling the lady about my mom's suicide.

In my dream she was still the lonely messed up mom that I knew and I was trying desperately to help her. Why was I telling someone she committed suicide if she was sitting in the other room? They say that people who've passed live in your dreams forever and you get to visit them but I feel even more empty now. It was like I had to relive the moment of telling someone about her passing all over again. She was not happy to see me or anything.

I think I may be feeling a bit anxious about visiting my Uncle this weekend. He's my Dad's father and we only really "met" about 3 years ago. Before that it had been since my Dad's passing when I was 4 since he had seen me. I haven't told them about my mom, I wanted to wait until I see them in person. That's just not something I wanted to do over the phone because I know how worried my Aunt is going to be about me and I want her to see how well I'm handling this.

The first thing I did when I got into work was call and pay off the burrial fees invoice that I received in the mail. I told them we hadn't scheduled the burrial and she told me to give them a weeks notice. I have to start thinking about when we'll do that, probably late spring

She'll be burried next to my Dad

To My Darling Baby Girl: You'll never meet your Grandmother because in December she took her own life. She was mentally a very sick lady but in her own way she loved us all, even you, very much. She was excited that she was going to be a Grandmother and worried about your Mom (me) all the time. You're not even born and you've already been such a big help to me. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without the strenght it's taken to keep you happy, healthy and safe inside me. Just knowing you were in there growing and already relying on me kept me strong. I want you to know I will never ever leave you like that. That is my promise to you.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

So We Bought This House...

Corey and I hate hate hate living in this city. It's gray, busy, ugly. We want to move to Fredericton, New Brunswick within the next few years. We've even gone so far as to buy a house! Here it is:

It's a nice house, six bedrooms, the basement is a completely separately rented 3 bedroom apartment, a good investment property because it's already completely rented. The amount of the rent being received is enough to cover the mortgage payments, so we'd get a nice chunk of it paid off before even moving down! After the holidays we start our negotiations and finally, mid January, we reach an agreement. Corey and I bust our butts off getting all of our paperwork and mortgage information in order to meet the fast approaching closing date. Two days before closing the vendors other lawyer says they have to delay things because HE DIDN'T KNOW THER SELLER IS A RESIDENT OF AND LIVES IN CHINA!!!! Fine. OK. Hey, it gives us an extra month to save up for that crazy down payment we have to come up with.

I decide to e-mail my lawyer yesterday and make sure we're still OK for Feb 28th. Nope. Sellers lawyer needs until AT LEAST the end of March, maybe more. I wrote the lawyer and told him that this was unacceptable. We're losing out on $1100 a month here! We were nice and understanding the first month but no sir, this is money we're talking about here. So I wrote back and told him that we want the rent or a reduction in price in relation to the rent as of March 1st and we wanted all lawyer fees that we will now have to pay to draw up new papers etc. to be paid by the seller.

My lawyer was really cool about it and said he understood our position and would do what he could. I think in his first e-mail he couldn't really say anything to influence our decision but was happy that we came back with what we did.

I just want to own the house. We pay so little rent living with Corey's parents, we need something to pay towards. Neither one of us is good with just "saving". It's too easy for things to come up (like you know, a TRUCK - see Charlie entry).

For My Darling Baby Girl: Our dream is to raise you and your future brothers and sisters in New Brunswick. I can't express to you how miserable we are in this city. Most of your Dad's family is in New Brunswick and let me tell you it's beautiful. I hope that by the time you're reading this you know that for yourself and in fact, know nothing else but that beauty. I dream about taking you fishing on the Miramichi, skating on our big homemade pond, playing in a huge backyard...just having fun together as a family. We want to give you the best of everything, we love you that much.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Vroom Vroom Vroom

What a great weekend! Friday night we went over to my friend from work Daniela's house. Her and her husband always spoil us rotten with yummy food and access to their beautiful new house. Toss in the Ultrasound video, listening to the baby's heartbeat on their doppler (that we now have in our posession!) and some Mario Party 7 on Game Cube, you've got one hell of a night. If you're 2 young couples in or approaching their 30's that is. We were yawning away and ready for bed by 11pm :P Just a few years ago I wasn't leaving the house for the bar until 11pm and I'm talking Wednesday through Saturday most weekends. I love spending time with Corey and couples like that though.

Saturday was boring. Corey worked all day so I watched random crap on TV and the movie Amelie. I really enjoyed that movie! When Corey got home we grabbed some subs and the movie Zathura and were in bed a little before 11pm. Zathura was good but too much like Jumanji for my liking. I really liked Jumanji!

Yesterday was the AUTO SHOW! The cool thing about going to bed around 11 is 9:30am is sleeping in. You get quite a long day when you don't sleep through half of it! The Auto show was a bit of a dissapointment in terms of classic cars, the reason I got Corey to agree to go so quickly but we did see a lot of cool small SUV's and concept cars. I also entered every contest there so keep your fingers crossed for me, I could have a new free car in a couple of months! Really though, it was nice spending time with Corey again doing something out of the house. We have so much fun at home as it is but it's nice to get out and do something different every once in a while.

We were beat by 3pm but my friend Tammy was over so we had more good times playing with the doppler, sending FMIL to the drugstore for KY Jelly and making Pizza. My poor friend did find out some horrible news about her X-Husband-The-Lying-Cheating-Ba$tard but I was relieved she finally knew. It was information that I was privy to but unable to divulge. Corey and I agreed if she ever found out from someone else that we would not lie and we didn't. I know I felt better but I can't imagine how she's feeling. She'll get over it though and I think he's finally going to get what he deserves so I'm keeping positive. I will make an extra effort to make sure she's OK etc. though, she's going to need all the support she can get over the next little while.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We got to hear your little heartbeat a lot this weekend :) It's comforting for Mommy to know you're in there happy and healthy. Daniela helped us read your US stats and you've got a big belly - I'm feeding you well! You've also got a well developed brain, you're going to be a smart cookie! I get more and more anxious to meet you but know you need to grow in there. I hope you really are enjoying yourself :) (Daddy says you're lucky you're not out here because I'm killing him with my FARTS! ha ha, silly Daddy)

Friday, February 17, 2006

I Feel CRAPtastic! Thanks for Asking.

Ugh. How am I feeling? UGH UGH UGH! I go to bed at 10pm, wake up at 10am and it's a STRUGGLE. Yesterday I had the headache that would not go away, even with 2 Extra Strength Tylenol. I didn't even make it into work. I had to force myself to get ready for my 2:15pm doctors appointment.

I thought the second trimester was suposed to be energetic.

I thought pregnancy was suposed to be a beautiful wonderful experience!

How many more months of this? Ahhhhhhhhhh

Corey has been so great. He's been in a great mood and is trying his hardest to lift my spirits. I'm really lucky I have someone like him to make me crack a smile or two.

Work is interesting. Only because of all the drama. One of my co-workers quit the other day and now they're screwed because we were already short staffed. With my impending leave they're really scared. I don't feel bad for them at all. How many years have I been BEGGING for someone to be trained on the applications I support? Eh? Idiots.

Oy. My blog entry is as depressing and winey as I am as of late. Think positive...think's Friday!

To My Darling Baby Girl: You're getting bigger in there! I hope you have lots of hair because man oh man are you giving me heartburn LOL We're picking up a doppler tonight and will get to hear your little heartbeat every night. I hope you're comfortable in there!

Monday, February 13, 2006


Corey got a new toy this weekend. Well the way he's been acting about it, he got a new CHILD this weekend. His name is Henry and he is old. Very old. Born in 1948 actually. Henry came to us from Guelph Ontario but lived most of his life in Texas. He was in Guelph Ontario when we bought him off Ebay, his owner didn't have time to care for him. I can see why.

Henry is a LOT of work.

Henry doesn't even have HEAT (oh don't worry - Corey said - I'll get a portable heater).

He sure did put a perma-grin on his "Daddy" I tell ya. Heck Corey was even jumping up and down while waiting for him to be delivered.

I present....Henry

My daughter is bringing me LUCK LUCK LUCK! Here's what's happened in the luck department since I've been pregnant:

Dec 3rd - Go to work Christmas Party. Win the second best prize of the night in a draw, (first was a $3000 travel voucher) a brand new IBM desktop computer with flat screen monitor! Seriously this was cooler than the travel voucher IMO. My Ebay venture is so much easier to run and I got all these cool toys for Christmas (new desk, chair, printer, flash drive and wireless USB).

A few weeks ago - Go to BINGO with FMIL (who goes like every day, well almost) and WIN! It was only like $50 but it paid for my afternoon and I got to yell Bingo. The rush from that is so cool. I didn't even stay for the next session like she wanted me to, I was up and not ready to lose it!

Saturday night - Tammy's girls dance competitively and were holding a Valentines Day dance for a fundraiser to go to Mertle Beach this summer. There were all kinds of little prizes (Corey and I won 200 free digital prints) and they also had a 50/50 draw. Guess who won $440?? MOI! I couldn't believe it!

I didn't win the 10 million dollar lottery on Friday, but she can't be perfect :) I'm going to keep trying though, this kid is L-U-C-K-Y.

For My Darling Baby Girl: OK why were you so happy yesterday? You were wiggling around in there for hours! Daddy says it's because of his new truck *eyeroll*. Did you like that seafood I ate for lunch? I hope so, Mommy needs someone to go to Red Lobster with :) A stranger asked if I was expecting today, the first random person to ask. I was beaming when I said yes, I'm already so proud of you.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Work Situation

I hate my job. No really, I do. I sit in my cubicle until 4pm most of the time doing busy work and barely talk to anyone. Who am I going to talk to? Everyone here is MALE and 80% of a different nationality. I have nothing in common with these people.

I work in a bank, so everything is very PC. It's so bad that I have a brand new hair do today, cut HALF the length (that's a lot of hair people!) and finally got the colour touched up (I'm PREMATURELY gray - I'm only 27 - I'm NOT old). NO ONE has said anything. If I was in an office of girls, or at least one other girl, I'd feel fabulous about my new hair! It does look great!

Ah well, I look cute today in my maternity clothes and the new do. I look about 15 years old though LOL I should go to the mall during lunch, I bet I'll get wierd looks. At the doctors office/hospital every time I said I was pregnant to someone new the first thing they asked was "how old are you?" I'm lucky, I take after my mom that way.

I can't wait to move to New Brunswick and start something new.

For my baby girl: Yep, I think you're going to be Samantha darling. Daddy was THRILLED when I said I would be happy with him naming you. You've got his sweet tooth as well! Last night you kicked me after I hate a brownie. You wanted more didn't ya?

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

For The World To See

I present to you world, our beautiful baby girl.

"It" Became "Her"

With todays technology how could I not keep a record of my pregnancy and subsequent motherhood? I mean if my daughter is anything like me she'll LOVE this. It's so wierd to say that, my daughter. And who am I kidding, by the time she's my age, 27, she'll have a chip in her brain recording her thoughts or something LOL

Her father, Corey and I had our big Ultrasound yesterday and we got to see her. There was definately a big "void" between those tinly little legs confirming what we thought, girl. Our dreams and plans have taken on a little baby girl now. It's amazing how quickly they changed from unknown scenarios to concrete wishes.

My biggest wish is for Corey to take care of himself and walk her down the asile when she gets married. I made him promise in his sleep last night (as I lay awake because of heartburn, ay ai ai).

So I'm 18W3D, due July 9th. I can't believe I've slacked on belly pictures, I'm just not really showing yet and until we saw how perfect she was I was in denial that everything was OK. I know I know, silly. So this Sunday at 19W I *have* to start my belly pictures.

For My Darling Baby Girl: We got to see you yesterday and learn that you are in fact a girl. Your Dad wants to name you Samantha and I think I'm going to let him, I would have named you Cadence if I had my way :) You're going to be Daddy's Little Girl though I just know it. I think you really liked the warmth of the laptop last night because when I had it on my belly you kicked me for the first time! We have a video of your Ultrasound and I can't wait to sit with you and watch it together. I love you so much already. - Mommy

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