Post Traumatic Growth 101

From traumatic beginings to "normal life", choosing to grow and wanting to empower others. This is my story.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Why Mommy?

Ok, hold the phone, isn't the whole "Why" stuff suposed to happen MUCH later? Sam is 21 1/2 months and has started with the Why? WHY? The good thing, for now she seems to be satisfied when you answer the original question. SOMETIMES she'll ask why again.

I don't think there are any kids in that "why age" at the babysitters...

We had some friends over this weekend with their kids, about 2 1/2 - 3 years that closer to the "why age"?

We have DEFINATELY entered the "terrible two's". Tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, arguements, fake crying. She's so funny though...imagine this, Samantha is freaking out because I won't give her my cell phone in the car (there was a "why Mommy" thrown in before the meltdown). After 30 seconds of ignoring her, the cries are getting phonier (she's literally going "waaaa, waaaa, waaaa, I'm crying! waaaa, waaaa, waaa) so I say "Samantha, stop faking". She replies with "I'm not! Waaaaa waaa waaa". So I call her a faker, and this is what she says "I'm NOT faker, I'm SAMANTHA".

If you don't crack up laughing in these situations, something is wrong with you.

But yea, the terrible two's are challenging. She pushes every limit she can. Still loves to tease too!

I haven't puked in over two weeks now *knock on wood* and feel like a normal human being. Well a normal 8 months pregnant human being. I crave foods and eat more now. I'd probably eat MORE if I had the room in there eh? The baby is still very active and kicks me in wierd spots that cause wierd pains. Totally different from Sam's pregnancy. Everyone thinks this is going to be the "handfull" child...uh oh.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Me this weekend (ready to go out):

8 Months Pregnant (34.5 weeks)



Monday, April 21, 2008

Adult Time

Saturday night Grandma had the kid. Corey and I had a 30th birthday party to go to at a bar. It was nice being out and socializing with other people but man oh man...I have a problem.

All I could talk about was pregnancy and my kid.

What happened to me?

The other girls at the table were all younger, the oldest was 26 I think. Two had kids, two didn't. One 23 year old with a 3 year old daughter and one 25 year old with a 5 year old son. Neither one of them wants another kid and looked at me like I had two heads when I told them I was desperate to deliver naturally.

I'm old. I'm an old maid.

No but seriously, it was fun. The guys were all nice, made some jokes (one guy called me FAT though, child), especially when I ordered food. Everyone was trying as hard as they could (including the two girls with kids) to get as drunk as possible. The bar was crowded, mostly men because the UFC fight was on. I felt rather rediculous navigating through the place to get to the washroom, man I've gotten HUGE since I've started eating again (still no puking! knock on wood!). I did watch the main fight though, the winner was a guy from Montreal who looked damn fine in his tight shorts. There was a big brawl outside the bar afterwards. Not surprised, give kids booze and ultimate fighting and well you've got a recipe for disaster. The 5 cop cruisers that showed up were nice, no one was arrested. Two girls were involved in the fight, I was shocked. They were right in the middle getting thrown to the ground etc. Even when I was young...I would NEVER. Tough cookies those two (and quite drunk). Oh and the wife of the guy who was turning 30 got him a birthday cake in the shape of two boobs, nipples included. She IS 23...I dunno.

I'm old.

Yesterday we were kidless all day and what did we do? Cleaned. It was so nice to clean in peace lol.

I think I'm nesting though, because it didn't take much to get me started. That's been the hard part lately, getting going.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Normal Pregnant

OK....I don't want to jinx myself here...but it's been SIX DAYS since I last threw up. AND, I am eating like a champ. *knock on wood* I'm avoiding all the heartburn foods, don't want to chance it, but I've GOT to be gaining weight (Brownie Iced Cappuccino's, good thing I have to limit caffine!). I gained back 3 of the 5 I lost when I was sick, so DR is happier, but warned me to keep gaining at the last appointment.

I played poker at work last night. Came in 7th (out of 24). Not too shabby! I made it to the final table! It was a lot of fun too, got in some good pregnancy jokes. Someone asked where the doughnuts where and I got mad at him for even mentioning that word. This morning the guy sent me a coupon for some free Krispy Kremes lol.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Mostly wondering what it was like for her, with me, at this age. I mean she would have had me and been pregnant with my brother, almost exactly as far along as I am (my bro and I are 23 months apart). Sam is at such an amazing age now too. I love every minute I spend with her, we have so much fun, so much laughter. I love making up silly songs about the things she loves. Her favourite:

(To the tune of Frere Jacques)
My Blanket, My Blanket
Give it a smell, Give it a smell
I love it so much, I love it so much
My Blanket, My Blanket

(To the tune of Spider Man)
Silly Sam, Silly Sam
Silly silly silly silly Sam
Silly Sam, Silly Sam
Silly silly silly silly Sam
Silly Sam! She's got a shoe on her hand!

I made that last one up when she was being silly and taking her shoes off in the car. She LOVES that song now and I have to sing it everytime she puts her shoe on her hand. Yesterday she had both shoes on her hands and at the end of the song clapped them together, "Look Mommy! Clap!". I sing the song everytime she does something silly too, I just change the last part to "She's hiding under her blanket" or whatever it is that she's doing.

Went off on a tangent there...just wanted to record those two songs I made up. I'm a lyrical genious I tell ya (Silly Sarah!).

So yea, having a daughter and can't help but wonder what it was like for my mother having a daughter this age. Did she sing to me? Were we goofy? How different was it for her at 21 years old? Was it hard for her being pregnant and chasing after me? Was I as verbally advanced (and as slow in the motorskills department) as Sam?

And how could she forget all that? How could she lose hope?

I know all the logical answers. It's the heart that still questions. I guess it always will. It saddens me, but it doesn't change me. I will never get my answers and will never stop having questions. When they come, I can cry and feel sad.

All it takes is one look at my daughters smiling face, one kiss, one hug, one "I love you" and I know what my heart knows. Enjoy this thing called life. I'm one of the lucky ones :)

Monday, April 14, 2008

Next Month

Saturday I felt the BEST I have in MONTHS. It was like a day of clarity. I took Sam to the Early Years Centre and we had so much fun. Then we hung around the house with Daddy all afternoon and evening. It was a nice happy good feeling day. Sam went down to bed and Daddy and I started to tease eachother so I went upstairs, had a nice shower, Daddy chilled some wine, I put on some "sexy" maternity pj's (I looked rediculous), I even blow dried and straightened my hair.

Yea, half way into my glass of wine I started feeling the heartburn. It was SECONDS before the puking started (I had to use the popcorn bowl).

I just realized that I called Corey Daddy up there in that paragraph. OMG. I've gotten so used to calling him Daddy at home! It's funny because sometimes I'll call him at work and I'll say "Hi Daddy". Does this happen to every couple??

I still can't believe I'm having a baby NEXT MONTH. Well I'm due next month, but knowing my family history I'm betting on an early June baby. Still, it's creeping up so fast! I've already started planning what foods I'm going to eat all summer lol. I think that's what I'm most looking forward to, being able to eat normally. Yea yea the baby will be great, but it's food that I miss desperately at this point ;)

Hey it's tough being a pregnant lady who can't eat anything ok? It's consumed my life lol.

I just got through a stint with some nasty bronchitis too. Throw in some teething (2 year molars already!!??!!) and a sick Daddy (sick man - 'nuff said), omg I was a wreck. I really don't know who is suckier when sick, Sam or Dad, but man oh man am I ever thankful that she doesn't get sick often. He doesn't either actually. Thank you!

So I'm stuck between wanting 4 kids now and being DONE. This pregnancy thing sucks, so I'm firm on waiting at least 3 years before the next one, I NEED my body back. I know I'm taking a risk though because a few of my friends have said don't stop because when they start dressing themselves it's REALLY hard to imagine starting all over again lol. I can see the "get it over with" approach.

But then there's the other side of things. Sam has started helping around the house, well as much as a 21 month old can, but it's great! She'll pass you stuff, helps Dad unload the dishwasher (hands him the plastics and non-knife utensils) and yesterday handed me all the clothes from her hamper for me to put away (and that helps when you're 7 months pregnant let me tell you).

So we started thinking, with 4 kids, what would we ever have to do around the house? lol. The kids would all need chores, that's all less stuff for us to do!

I know I know, in a perfect world. It really can't be this easy, I must've gotten lucky with this one. Or maybe the more you add the less control you have...I don't know. But man, with 4 I could be sitting pretty....

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